Key points
Emotional states typically begin on autopilot, outside conscious awareness.
On autopilot, angry exchanges are likely to get out of control.
We can learn to notice our flashpoints, before anger has a chance to escalate.
Anger is a flame, fanning it will only burn your hand. We need to turn off the gas. The gas is blaming.
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Emotional states typically begin on autopilot, outside conscious awareness. We’re resentful before we know it, and angry before we perceive it. By the time we know that we’re resentful or angry, they’re in advanced stages, where they are much harder to regulate.
We can more easily notice our flashpoints, such as gut-level discomfort, a rush of arousal or sensation, and devaluing thoughts about someone. Mental focus becomes narrow, rigid, and self-obsessed, making it virtually impossible to see other perspectives.
Anger and resentment in families require a arrow and rigid focus to maintain. Once we widen our focus, they diminish almost immediately.
We can widen our focus deliberately by trying to:
Improve situations instead of blaming them on someone
See other perspectives
See the bigger picture (the meaning of your life)
Compassionate assertiveness – standing up for our rights and preferences in ways that are respectful and sensitive to the vulnerabilities of loved ones.
Resentment and anger dissipate when we ask ourselves:
What can I do to make this situation a little better?
What’s it like for my partner (and others involved)?
What will help me be the person, partner, and parent I most want to be?
On autopilot, angry exchanges are likely to get out of control. Anger is the most contagious emotion. Just being around angry people, much less interacting with them, is likely to make you angry.
Anger naturally escalates in arguments because it evolved for winning, not for ties. We don’t try to hurt the saber-tooth tiger just as much as it hurts us, in the spirit of fairness. Rather, we try to destroy its capacity to hurt us.
Beyond Anger Management
Anger is a flame, fanning it will only burn your hand. We need to turn off the gas. The gas is blaming.
Blame escalates anger because it’s embedded with a retaliation motive, which stimulates counter-retaliation from the blamed.
Once your pulse rate goes above 80, you risk crossing the line that separates expressions of anger from emotional abuse. Anger becomes abusive when it devalues someone. To devalue is to make someone unimportant or worthy of disregard, derision, contempt, or harm. Devaluing behavior dismisses, manipulates, controls, dominates, or demeans.
Associate Flashpoints With the Instinct to Protect
The instinct to protect people we care about is so strong that it generally overrides self-protection. You’re likely to step in front of a gun to protect your child. You might not do it if you thought about it, but you would likely act on the instinct to protect without thinking about it.
If you have a family, the instinct to protect controls your self-value, regardless of how successful you might be at work. (Imagine the emotional fate of world-class CEOs who let go of their children’s hands in traffic.) But if you feel that you can protect your family’s well-being, your self-value will be high, even if you fail in other areas of life. For example, getting fired from a job is bearable for people more attuned to the protection of their families than defending their egos. Protective people tend to search immediately for another job as a means of putting food on the table, while the ego-driven are likely to endure weeks of painful depression and drinking. It takes longer for them to recover because they misunderstand their pain. It’s not telling them they are failures; it’s telling them to protect their families. The pain will continue until they heed its message and resume protecting their families, emotionally if not financially.
Reflect
Recall a recent escalating argument with your spouse and try to remember the hurtful or disrespectful things you said. This won’t be so easy. We tend to remember the hurtful things our partners said or did while blocking out what we said or did immediately before.
Once you're able to recall the hurtful things you said or did, imagine a stranger saying those same hurtful or disrespectful words to your spouse. Think of how you'd respond.
If you were to see your loved one harmed verbally, emotionally, or physically, you would probably feel anger, an aggressive impulse, and loathing. For that moment at least, you would hate the person who harmed your spouse.
What happens to that anger, aggression, and loathing when you are the one hurting your spouse? Part of your brain is still committed to protecting loved ones, so where do the anger, aggression, and loathing go?
When we hurt loved ones, the ultimate object of our anger, aggression, and hatred is us. The unavoidable legacy of spiteful, angry, or abusive behavior directed at loved ones is self-loathing.
Every harsh word we say to loved ones, every cold shoulder or dismissive behavior makes us dislike ourselves a little more.
Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. His recent books include How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It and Love Without Hurt.