Ba'al HaMevakesh Lev, his wife, cleaning lady, and gardener were saddened to learn of the passing of former President Joe Biden. [Note: Make sure this does not get posted until it is 100% confirmed that he died. Like really dead. Not just lying in bed motionless. And try to sound genuinely sad - not sarcastic in any way.]
Born in 1871 as a poor black child to sharecropper Wilson Biden and his wise LaShonna, Joseph Robinette Biden [they affectionately called him "JRB"] grew up in the vast wasteland of Delaware. As a young boy foraging for sustenance in the unsettled Delawarean tundra, Joe learned the benefits of determination, American ingenuity, a hard day's work and sharing his few toys. [Note: Confirm birth year — may have been much earlier.] It is not clear at what age he became white.
As a young muscular lifeguard and vagabond, Joe witnessed the nation's conversion from a loose affiliation of agricultural states to an industrial powerhouse. Biden played a significant role in this transition by inventing the automobile and telling Henry Ford about it. He was also consulted by the Wright brothers as they were busy creating the "airplane". He thought of the name after considering "Fly-high". [Fact-check this.]
Decades later, Joe Biden's uncle was eaten by cannibals, leading a bereaved Biden to quit driving a big rig and go into politics in order to become the social justice warrior he later became famous for. Not before considering becoming a Buddhist monk. Biden famously participated in the civil rights march in Selma, where he won acclaim for how well he operated the water hose. Elected to Congress in the 1930s, Biden served two terms before taking a brief hiatus to "fight the Japs", his image being captured in the iconic flag raising at Iwo Jima [can we get this image or is it under copyright? Be sure it's really him.]
After 80 years serving in the U.S. Senate, Biden won the right to become Barack Obama's running mate through various feats of strength and rounds of single combat. Even in his last days, President Biden praised Obama as "that tall, skinny colored fella who used to yell at me all the time and then gave me a medal."
President Joseph R. Biden Jr. is survived by his wife and equal partner in running the country, Jill, his drug loving son, Hunter, who regretfully loved to chronicle his foibles on his laptop, several grandchildren he does not acknowledge, and the half-eaten carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream that is still in the back of the White House freezer. [Note: Repeat, DO NOT publish until death is confirmed, no matter how dead he may look on TV. It will be a HUUUGE בושה.] Every so often, the First Lady will say "Donald - can we throw this out???" It is not clear why he refuses her request.
He was a lover of Israel and the Jewish people. Except when he was doing things like unfreezing 6 billion dollars to help Iran and giving 1.5 billion to Hamas. He was a devout, pious Catholic, despite believing in late-term abortions and same sex marriage. This illustrates what a profoundly, nuanced man he was.
In summary, it can certainly be said that of all the presidents throughout the history of the United States, Joe Biden was one of them. [Note: Allegedly.] At publishing time, the Joe Biden Presidential Library was in the planning stages. It will contain, among other things, Hunter's laptop and a lot of books aimed at young black children.
