Rabbi Reuven Bulka - Jewish Marriage A Halachic Ethic
What Is "Shalom Bayit?"
Shalom, as the word which is used to describe "peace," relates in a fundamental sense to the Hebrew word shlemut, or "completeness." Shalom disconnected from shlemut, peace disconnected from completeness, is a peace which manifests itself as mutual nonaggression, peace as the absence of war. Shalom with "wholeness" is peace with harmony, peace with cooperativeness, peace which moves toward completeness. It is this higher level of peace which is so exalted, and should be the ever-present goal of our personal and communal strivings. (1) The ultimate goal, of course, is a true peace which permeates the entire world, but that is too massive a task to be thrust upon any single individual. However, each individual can make a contribution toward this all-encompassing goal by working to create peace in his or her immediate environment. Having done all that is within one's power to effect peace is thus seen to have much more than local implications. (2) The home is the primary place where one's obligation to effect peace unfolds. Here is where one is able to have significant input, if not control, over the peace of the world, the world of one's home. Shalom bayit, the peace of one's home, in its true sense as desired in marriage, is best translated as "domestic bliss." Shalom bayit is not the peace of sameness or absence of conflict. It is the completeness of opposites, the translation of differences into more effective action and greater love, incorporating the wisdom gained from shared opinions and give-and-take. (3) To be conversant in the ways of shalom bayit is to be conversant in the ways of local-cum-global peace. It is to have an exemplary home which is a model for other homes, eventually all homes. It is lamentable that not enough attention is given to the mastery of shalom bayit formulations upon entry into marriage. (4) Whose is the obligation to create shalom bayit, domestic bliss? Simply stated, it is the obligation of both husband and wife. That the home should be fortunate enough to enjoy such tranquillity and harmony is ultimately a G-dly blessing, but it is a blessing which comes only after the couple work to be eligible for and worthy of that blessing. To be worthy, each of the couple must see shalom bayit as an obligation directed not at the other, but at the self. Precious little is contributed toward shalom bayit when each member of the marital team demands that the other do some thing for shalom bayit. Shalom bayit is a personal responsibility that beckons each of the partners to make demands on their own selves toward improving the home atmosphere. It is generally a good practice, in areas related to living a responsible life, to be very demanding on one's own self. It is a practice which makes for better marriages. Rather than waiting for the other to change, or to make a move, one should take the initiative; the other will likely follow. Waiting for the other is standoffish, leads to frustration, and builds up abundant hostility. It can ruin what could have been blissful. (5) This is the active side of shalom bayit. There is another side to shalom bayit, the preventive side. In this, the most appropriate advice is: Do not provoke, do not become provoked. Do not provoke, do not introduce strife or contentiousness into the home vocabulary, and go out of your way to prevent strife situations from developing. (6) Do not become provoked if situations arise in which expectations have not been realized, requests have not been heeded or the normal household pattern has been upset; do not react with anger to your spouse, to whom you may attribute this unwarranted situation. Instead, assume that understandable circumstances have caused the problem, rather than bad intentions. Again, one should not stand on one's rights or be touchy concerning the honor that is due. Rather than demand what you are convinced belongs to you by right, be flexible and forgiving, not rigid and unforgiving. (7) If possible, try to anticipate what to you may be anger provoking situations and have second options, so that "no-escape" situations are avoided. Accept that dishes may break, or that important items may be misplaced, but ensure that the true perspective is never distorted. (8) Domestic bliss is such a vital ingredient of life that it neutralizes what under normal circumstances are positive ritual obligations. In a case of "either-or", where the choice is expending limited funds for either Shabbat candles for the home to have a bright rather than a depressed atmosphere, or wine for sanctification of the Sabbath, the lights for the home come first. Great sages allowed themselves to be humiliated if that humiliation preserved the peacefulness of a home. This was reason enough to forgo accepted protocols, even to turn a blind eye to obviously contemptible disrespect. These sages did not want to be associated, however indirectly, with a marriage breakdown. They saw each union as personally and communally significant. (9-12)
To Honor One's Wife
Shalom bayit is more likely to be realized if each of the marriage partners lives up to the letter and spirit of their obligation to the other. To honor one's mate is obligatory. It is achieved through tangible manifestations of honor. The true purpose of the obligation is best achieved through integrating into one's being the feeling that one's partner is deserving and should always be honored, in all situations and circumstances. Respect and dignity, appreciation and gentleness, are expressions that should be forthcoming without compromise. The husband is duty bound to honor his wife. Honor is more than the absence of disrespect; it is the according of salient, deferring respect to the one who is the main cause for true blessing residing in the home. The husband, by working out in his own mind the essentiality of his wife in his own life, will make it more likely that the honor imperative remains ever-present in his thinking process, never allowing for a laxity which not only may presage a regressive pattern but also reflects that the honor he bestows is perfunctory and conditional, when in fact the honor should be authentic and constant. (13) The husband who honors his wife appreciates and values her dignity as a person. He respects what she considers vital to her own self, and to her sense of self-worth, and cooperates fully with her in attaining and maintaining self-worth. He does not take his wife's contributions to the marriage and the home as a matter of course, to be expected. Instead, he continually voices his appreciation for all things, large and small. (14) The husband who honors his wife talks in gentle tones and is exceedingly careful not to embarrass his wife or cause her to feel as if she is not keeping up her part of the marital responsibilities. The honoring husband conveys his respect, but he does not employ the formal language of a royal palace. His is more the language of an intimate. (15) The honoring husband will take great care not to make excessive or unrealistic demands of his wife. In fact, he will not demand; he will gently ask. He will be sure that he is asking at a proper time, and that what he asks for is not a triviality which betrays disrespect or something excessive which betrays insensitivity. If, for whatever reason, the trivial or the excessive is requested, it should be preceded with an appropriate preamble assuring the wife that no disrespect or insensitivity is involved, and that she is greatly appreciated no matter. The husband will use this approach not as an effective technique to get what he wants, but because this is the way that his wife should be acknowledged. (16) The husband who honors his wife, upon seeing that she is too busy to attend to him as she normally does, will not sit and sulk. He will get up and take care of matters on his own. With this and other components of honor due to the wife, the wife should not use the husband's obligations as a device to demand from him, or to refuse to do her part. The obligation to honor is his responsibility, not her weapon. The honor given by the husband to his wife is dimensionally different from the generally respectful demeanor with which one must conduct oneself. For example, there is a general prohibition against causing pain or anguish to anyone. It applies to everyone but specifically and mainly to one's wife. She is much more vulnerable, and thus must be treated with greater care. Pain can mean either direct action causing pain or failure to act properly and thus causing pain. The husband must be ever aware that he is a vital, integral part of his wife's world and that this places upon him a heavy burden, an onus to be sensitive to what pains her. This includes that which under normal circumstances would not cause pain to others. Failure to praise strangers or friends may not be a serious matter, but the wife is likely to seek the approbation and appreciation of her husband to reinforce her dedication to him. (17) The other dimensional difference in the honor incumbent upon the husband is that he must honor the wife more than he honors himself. One normally does not place excessive demands on oneself; that same respect must be extended to one's wife. And more. The husband may have ascetic tendencies, or lean toward being frugal. He may be content with less to eat, and comfortable with old, worn-out clothes, but he must not impose these predilections on his wife. She must be maintained in dignity and honor even more honor than the husband accords to himself. Honor to one's wife is not relative to, or contingent upon, the honor one gives to oneself. Self-respect is no doubt important, and proper care of oneself as a G-dly being is not to be under-emphasized. But, even if it is neglected, this does not afford an excuse to do the same to one's wife. Here the husband must go beyond the Jewish view that man and wife are a unit. The honor the husband extends to his wife must rise above the constraints the husband places upon himself. Her honor is more than a function of his limited horizons. (18) The husband who fulfills the letter and spirit of his "honor" obligations makes a significant move toward assuring that shalom bayit prevails in the union. (l9)To Honor One's Husband
The other side of the husband-wife shalom bayit equation is the honor and respect that the wife must give to her husband. It may be true that the primary shalom bayit responsibility rests with the husband, and that he must perforce take the lead in creating an atmosphere of respect in the home. But it is not a one-sided obligation. The husband, by being respectful, is more likely to be respected. The wife, for her part, must embark on a relationship of respectfulness by unconditionally committing herself to properly honor and respect her husband. (20) The wife should honor her husband more than enough. The "more than enough" duty serves to take the according of honor out of the realm of measurement. Instead of being bogged down in assessing what is enough honor, or how much honor is merited, the honor should come in effusive doses, spontaneously and free- willingly. The honor should be more than honor of position; it should reflect the wife's appreciation of what her husband means to her. (21-25) What should evolve from the dual obligation of the husband and wife to honor and respect one another is a situation of escalating respectfulness, in which each one of the partners accords respect, elicits via that honor and respectfulness the respect of the other, and so helps to create a syndrome of escalating honor and respect. Neither should wait for the other to start lest no one begin. Let them both initiate the honor syndrome. Should they trip over each other in the rush, it will be a profound meeting.Anger--To Be Avoided
Honor, the mode of expression that is most desirable in marriage, is underlined by the ability to communicate with genuine concern for the situation and needs of the other. Honor is humane considerateness. Anger is on the other side of the spectrum. It is communication without concern for the other. It is self-serving speech, bereft of feeling; it is talking "to" rather than "with". It is a form of letting loose rather than a form of communication. Husband and wife, in an atmosphere of shalom bayit, merit that the G-dly presence reside with them. G-d feels welcome and at home in a harmonious atmosphere. On the negative side, the consuming fire which devours the conflicting couple may in fact be the fire of anger, which in its venom provokes diatribe and insult and leaves the relationship in a state of turmoil. (26) The propensity to anger is generally condemned as evil and one is to keep far away from exercising anger. Anger as verbalization that lacks control, is placed on par with idolatry, which also emanates from lack of control and is instead the expression of what one feels like doing. Anger begets angry counter-response, as well as implanting a hardness and arrogance which makes one oblivious to the truth and unconcerned about others. (27) Anger is a destructive enough force in human relations. For the married couple, who are in an enclosed environment, it can be devastating. Anger is verbal violence, and the fear engendered by anxiety over when the next tantrum will come puts the entire house on edge. Where respect builds, anger destroys. Where true respect prevails, anger is not likely to come into play, for it is not usual to explode at people whom one really respects. The presence of anger thus points to a double deficit, in that the proper respect that should obtain in the marriage is sorely lacking. It is thus extremely important never to get angry at one's mate. and not to allow for the conditions which beget anger. (28) While it is an obligation of both partners to refrain from anger and temper outbursts, the failure of one to live up to this obligation should not be seen by the other as just cause to likewise resort to anger. Hard as it may be, one should meet one's partner's anger with gentleness. That will prevent an escalation of belligerence, at the very least, and possibly calm down the boisterous party, who may even see the folly of the angry approach when the obvious and more pleasant contrast hits home. (29) We are all prone to anger of differing intensities, and to simply speak about not becoming angry is nice, but leaves a void, the void between recommended ideal and practical reality. Bottling up the emotions only works well for those who can contain an immense amount of grievances. It is worthwhile weighing at the very outset whether what is bothersome is really worth it. If it is, then the proper approach would be to sit down, in a calm setting, and discuss it with one's mate. This may head off the explosion. (30) Before exploding, ask why. What will be gained by the tantrum? Will it bring results, or will it be merely a ventilation exercise? As a ventilation exercise, the outburst is of dubious value. The angry explosion is more likely to generate more such explosions than to get it out of the system. Awareness that anger is habit-forming should be kept in mind before expressing oneself angrily. (31) There is probably no better technique for controlling anger than cultivating a balanced outlook on life which sees things in proper perspective. Advance integration of the right philosophy implants the preventive mechanism forestalling anger. There are volumes and chapters of traditional Jewish texts addressing the control of anger. Their study should bring with it the resolve to be extra scrupulous about losing control. Good intentions, reinforced over time by study and hard work, translate into concrete, positive results in cultivating and strengthening marital harmony. (32)2. Avot D'Rebbe Natan 28--one who establishes harmony in the home is considered by Scripture as having established peace in Israel.
3. Domestic bliss includes harmony, contentedness, love, purposefulness, etc. Likutei Eitzot (Jerusalem, 1979), (shalom, n. 10). See also R. Shlomo Wolbe, Alay Shur, (p.258).
4. Pirkey Hanhagat HaBayit, vol. 1, p. 20.
5. See Yevamot 62b, and cited in Hilkhot Ishut 15:19, Hilkhot Ishut 5:20, based on Kiddushin 31, Sotah 17a, Avot D'Rebbe Natan 41, and Shevet Musar, chapter 24.
6. On not provoking, see Sefer HaMitzvot, "Lo Taaseh," no. 251- a person should not say things that will anger others. Do not be provoked, easy to anger (Avot 2:15). See further Yevamot 44a, "Do not introduce strife into your home."
7. The principle of being understanding is an application of "Judge all individuals charitably" (Avot I :6). Regarding being forgiving, one should be "soft as a reed, not hard as a cedar"--Taanit 20a, and should not be insistent and unrelenting on one's due-- Megillah 28a; Orach Chayim 606:l and Rambam, Hilkhot Teshuvah 2:10.
8. Regarding the avoidance of "no-escape" situations, Pirkey Hanhagat HaBayit, recommends having a second suit always ready, to avoid arguments if the first one is not ready (vol. 1, p. 179).
9. Regarding the primacy of shalom bayit in the form of lights, see Shabbat 23b, Orach Chayim 263:3, Hilkhot Hanukah 4:14.
10. See Yevamot 65b.
11. Numbers 5:11-31. See also Sefer HaChinuch, no. 453.
12. See Sefer HaChinuch, no. 364.
13. See Yevamot 62b, Sanhedrin 76b. See also Bava Metzia 59a, Rambam, Hilchot Ishut 5:19.
14 -15. See Bava Metzia 59a, Hilkhot Ishut 15: 19. Relative to being careful not to embarrass, see Binyan Aday Ahd, p. 62.
16. Regarding inordinate burdens, see Sotah 1la&b, Ketuvot 72a, and Yevamot 62b.
17. See. Vayikra 25:17; see also Hinukh, no. 341.
18. See Hullin 84b and Hilkhot De'ot 5:10.
19 - 20. See above, note 5.
21. On husband's priority relative to respect, see Kiddushin 3la. See further, R. Shlomo Wolbe, Maamaray Hadrakhah LeChatanim, p. 5.
22. See Megillah 12b and Hilkhot Ishut 15:20.
23. See Ramah, in his gloss to Even HaEzer 69:7.
24. See also Rabad, Baaley HaNefesh.
25. Honor "more than enough" is the language of Rambam, Hilkhot Ishut 15:20.
26. See Sotah 17a.
27. On distancing from anger, see Nedarim 22a&b. Also Rambam, Hilchot De'ot 2:3.
28. See Gittin 7a, Megillah 28a.
29. On refraining from anger, see Hilkhot De'ot 5:10.
30. See Hilkhot De'ot 6:6.
31. See Berakhot 29b, and Hilkhot De'ot 2:3.
32. The relation of proper perspective to control of anger probably explains why the one who never becomes angry is one of the types that is beloved by God (Pesachim 113b).
