Seudas Preidah For The Rav Of Breuer's - HaRav And Rebbetzin Mantel

 

The Most Effective Way of Avoiding Disputes

The Torah portion of Parshas Korach serves as the definitive archetype of machlokes—interpersonal discord—a phenomenon that is unfortunately far from esoteric. For anyone who navigates the complexities of social, professional, or familial life, the dynamics of conflict are acutely relevant. The narrative provides a masterclass in what modern psychology describes as emotional regulation and strategic non-engagement.

The following two insights explore the profound psychological utility of silence and withdrawal in the face of vitriol.

1. The Strategy of Radical Non-Reactivity

The text records that when Moses was confronted by the inflammatory rhetoric of Dathan and Abiram, “he fell on his face” (Numbers 16:4). The Talmud (Sanhedrin 110a) notes that Moses, a seasoned leader forged in the crucible of Egyptian bondage and decades of desert communal management, was not easily shaken. What, then, prompted such a visceral reaction?

The Sages explain that he was being subjected to character assassination of the most egregious kind: he was accused of private impropriety with married women. In the parlance of modern psychology, this was a systematic attempt at gaslighting and social subversion. Given Moses’s integrity, an indignant, high-decibel defense would have been entirely justified. He had the "right" to be right.

Instead, Moses’s ultimate response was a strategic withdrawal: he moved his tent outside the camp. He chose silence over symmetry.

In the literature of Stoicism, Marcus Aurelius famously wrote, "The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury." By refusing to descend into the arena of mud-slinging, Moses preserved his psychological sovereignty. Psychology identifies this as breaking the "conflict cycle." When we respond to an insult with a counter-insult, we validate the aggressor’s framework. By "falling on his face" and subsequently withdrawing, Moses signaled that the accusation was so detached from reality that it did not even merit the dignity of a rebuttal.

A contemporary application of this is found in the "Five-Year Rule" of professional ethics. A successful congregational Rabbi once shared his personal protocol: when faced with inflammatory disrespect, he remains silent. He understands the Affective Forecasting of the human ego—that while the impulse to retaliate is strong in the moment, the long-term "moral high ground" yields far greater psychological dividends. Years later, those who were once aggressors often return in a state of contrition, their own guilt having done the work that a thousand arguments could not achieve.

2. The Paradox of Success: Losing to Win

The narrative of Rav Yosef Shlomo Kahaneman, the Ponevezher Rav, introduces a concept that mirrors what self-help pioneer Dale Carnegie often suggested: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

The Chofetz Chaim famously blessed Rav Kahaneman with success in all ventures—save for one. He told him he would "lose" every dispute he entered. This was not a curse, but a profound psychological safeguard. It suggests that the Opportunity Cost of winning an argument is often too high. To "win" a machlokes requires an investment of emotional labor, time, and mental real estate that could otherwise be spent on one’s primary mission (the "gold" of the Rav’s life’s work).

Rav Kahaneman tells the story that once when he went to London, a member of the community started yelling at him and hurling accusations at him. The London Rabbinate was appalled at what happened and they wanted to put the person in Cherem [excommunication]. The Ponevezher Rav told the Rabbis that he has a tradition from the Chofetz Chaim which precluded that option. The Chofetz Chaim gave Rav Kahaneman a blessing that he would be successful in all his endeavors except one: He will never be successful in any machlokes he takes part in! “Everything you touch will be gold. You will be tremendously successful. But you will lose badly every dispute in which you take part.”

He urged the Rabbinate to take no action against the person who insulted him. This attitude takes a tremendous amount of self-discipline.

In Game Theory, this is akin to recognizing a "negative-sum game"—a contest where even the winner ends up worse off than when they started. By refusing to allow the London Rabbinate to excommunicate his detractors, the Ponevezher Rav practiced Ego-Transcendence. He understood that his legacy was tied to his productivity, not his pride.

3. The Architecture of Silence: The "Two to Tango" Principle

Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach offered a nuanced linguistic analysis of Psalms 38:14: “And I am like a deaf person, I do not hear; and like a mute person who will not open his mouth.” He noted a curious grammatical shift: the first half of the verse is in the first person ("I do not hear"), while the second half describes the result in the third person ("He—the opponent—will not open his mouth").

This represents a fundamental law of Social Psychology: Mirroring. Human beings are neurologically wired to mirror the emotional state of those they interact with. If one party remains "deaf" to an insult—refusing to provide the "dopamine hit" of a reaction—the aggressor eventually loses their momentum.

As the adage goes, "It takes two to tango." Conflict requires a feedback loop; it is a fire that requires the oxygen of a response. By assuming the posture of the "deaf and mute," we effectively starve the conflict of its fuel.

Conclusion

The wisdom of Parshas Korach, viewed through a psychological lens, teaches us that self-regulation is the ultimate power move. Whether it is Moses withdrawing his tent, the Rabbi’s quiet endurance, or the Ponevezher Rav’s refusal to "win," the lesson is identical: your peace of mind is too valuable to be auctioned off to the highest bidder in a trivial dispute. In the economy of the soul, silence is often the most sophisticated currency we possess.

The Wisdom Of Ohn Ben Peles' Wife

The Talmudic narrative of Ohn ben Peles, a figure initially prominent in Korach’s ill-fated mutiny against Moses, offers a profound psychological treatise on the nature of human conflict and the mechanics of rationalization. Though enumerated among the rebellion’s architects, Ohn conspicuously vanishes from the biblical record before the catastrophe strikes. The Gemara (Sanhedrin 109b) attributes this preservation to the astute psychological intervention of his wife.

The Strategy of Radical Realism

When Ohn’s wife observed her husband’s descent into the insurrection, she did not engage him in a theological debate or a legalistic polemic. Instead, she utilized what modern psychology calls "Cognitive Reframing." She challenged his perceived "utility" in the hierarchy of the rebellion, asking him a searingly pragmatic question: What is your personal "ROI" (Return on Investment)?

She argued that whether Moses remained the leader or Korach ascended to the throne, Ohn’s social standing would remain static. He was destined to be a perpetual subordinate—a "commoner" regardless of which "King" held the scepter. In the parlance of self-help literature, she forced him to confront his "ego-traps." He was risking his life for a cause that offered him no "secondary gain." Ohn admitted his error but felt trapped by "sunk cost fallacy" and the social pressure of his peer group. He had already committed; the rebellion was a moving train he felt he could not jump from.

To save him, she employed a brilliant maneuver in social psychology. Knowing the "performative piety" of Korach’s followers, she drugged her husband into a deep sleep and sat at the entrance of the tent with her hair uncovered. She understood the rebels’ cognitive dissonance: while they were comfortable with the moral transgression of rebellion, they were rigid about external, ritualistic modesty. Her "immodest" appearance served as a psychological barrier, causing the "pious" agitators to retreat in discomfort.

The Anatomy of Rationalization

The central philosophical question raised by the Ba’alei Mussar (Ethicists) is this: Korach had built a compelling, albeit deceptive, narrative of victimhood. He accused Moses of nepotism, elite capture, and even cited a heart-wrenching (though fabricated) story of a widow driven to death by the burden of priestly tithes.

If Ohn ben Peles had been radicalized by these high-minded concerns for social justice, how could a simple argument about "personal status" sway him? Why didn't he respond, "Even if I gain nothing, we must stop this tyrant who oppresses widows!"?

The psychological answer is both cynical and liberating: The "Issues" are rarely the issue. In psychology, this is known as "Motivated Reasoning." When people engage in Machlokes (divisive conflict), the laundry list of grievances—the "It’s not fair!" and "It’s not right!"—is often a facade. These are intellectual justifications constructed to mask deeper, more visceral drives: the hunger for Kavod (honor), the thirst for power, or the alleviation of a bruised ego.

The "Fake News" of the Ego

As the Gemara notes, the story of the widow and the oppressive tithes was a complete fabrication—an early historical example of "Performative Outrage" or "Fake News." There was no agriculture in the desert; there were no tithes of grain or wool. Yet, the rebels "believed" it because it served their emotional objective.

In the field of Conflict Resolution, it is understood that ninety percent of disputes are driven by personality clashes and the "Urge to Win." We see this reflected in the book The Righteous Mind, which posits that "the emotional dog wags the rational tail." Our moral arguments are often just post-hoc justifications for our tribal instincts and ego-attachments.

The Wisdom of Discernment

The "Wisdom of Women" (Mishlei 14:1) attributed to Ohn’s wife lay in her ability to cut through the "Intellectual Noise." She bypassed the polemics regarding tzitzis and mezuzah—which were merely academic smokescreens—and spoke directly to the core of the matter: Kavod.

By revealing that there was no "ego-supply" to be found in the rebellion, the entire house of cards collapsed. Once the prospect of personal gain was removed, the "noble cause" lost its luster.

This narrative serves as a timeless reminder from the self-help world: Whenever we find ourselves embroiled in a "crusade" or a heated dispute, we must ask ourselves the "Wife of Ohn" question: Is this truly about the principles I am espousing, or is my ego simply looking for a victory? To save one’s "house" requires the wisdom to distinguish between a genuine pursuit of truth and a sophisticated masquerade of the self.

NEW SHIURIM!!

 HERE!!!

Money Saving Advice

Putting aside the issue of קדושים תהיו and ולא תתורו which prohibit excessive immersion in gashmiyus [Ramban and Sefer Hachinuch respectively], there is another important point. 

There is an incredible amount of buying that people do. If someone is emotionally and spiritually fulfilled they simply don't need to buy so much stuff. So all of this excess consumerism that we have in our communities is an important data point. People are not sufficiently fulfilled on the inside so they look for things on the outside. 

Do you want to save money? Grow as a person and as a Jew. You will spend far less and feel no lack.  

Oh - and you will also grow as a person which is why you are on earth in the first place!! 

Today I was thinking about this b/c I found myself in a shopping mall filled an endless flow of people dressed in distinctively Charedi garb. [I was not there to shop but to have a dental x-ray for some very, very exciting, extensive work Hashem has gifted me with the zchus of having to do, thus enriching my dentist (for sure) and healing my tooth woes (אי"ה)!!] 

I am like - what are you all doing here? You don't have enough clothing so you need more and more and more? You don't have food at home so you need to go to all these eateries? You need a fancy watch even though you already have one on the phone almost everybody was talking into?

I am not talking about being an ascetic. I am talking about buying things we don't need for a temporary dopamine hit until it wears off and we need a new dopamine hit. 

[When I went for my x-ray the secretary was very very edgy. She thought I was about to go into a room she didn't want me to enter, so she sternly said "Tell me what you want and I will get it for you". I told her that I need to do something that requires a very special bracha after I do it. One of those areas of life where there is no "דין שליחות"]. 

יש לו מאה רוצה ...

There are people with 700 million dollars who are on anti-depressants b/c they don't have a billion. 

מופתי החזו"א

רבי שלמה זלמן אויערבאך נשאל על כך שעל החזון איש מספרים מופתים רבים כל כך האם צריך להאמין בכל המופתים האלה? ענה רבי שלמה זלמן "כן". כשנשאל ביחס לגדול אחר שעליו סיפרו מופתים דומים האם להאמין למופתים אלו. ענה רבי שלמה זלמן שאין להאמין למופתים אלו. 

כשנשאל מדוע ביחס לחזון איש אמר שיש להאמין ואילו לגדול האחר אמר שאין להאמין. ענה רבי שלמה זלמן "החזון איש היה בעל תורה למד תורה לשמה ועם תורה אפשר לעשות מופתים כי היא מגדלתו ומרוממתו על כל המעשים [אבות ו א] הוא יכול לקבוע איזה ניתוח יצליח ואיזה ניתוח לא יצליח מה כדאי לעשות ומה לא כדאי לעשות הוא שולט כביכול על הטבע. לעומת זאת השני ששאלת עליו אולי הוא צדיק אבל הוא איננו גדול בתורה כמו החזון איש ועל אדם שכזה קשה להאמין שעשה מופתים.