Man Davens Wife's Fever Breaks Before It's Time To Make Dinner

LAKEWOOD, NJ — Local yungerman R' Yossi Weinberg davened Mincha with intense kavanna today in hopes that his wife’s fever would break before it was time to put together supper for the family.

“Ribono Shel Olam,” Weinberg was heard whispering quietly into his Siddur. “I hate that she’s not feeling well, but I, um, don't even know where the light switch for the kitchen is, and things are about to get bleak.”

Weinberg’s wife, Breindy, had been in bed all morning with a fever, aches, and chills. He had been diligent about checking on her, but he admitted he really had no game plan if 7:00 PM rolled around and he had to feed himself and their three young kids.

“She took Advil an hour ago… it should be kicking in any minute,” Weinberg said. “I know she’s feeling terrible, but supper is just a few hours away. Oh Baruch Hashem, she just got out of bed.”

Breindy told her husband she could probably muster the strength to pull a few frozen schnitzels or fish sticks out of the freezer and pop them into the oven for the kids.

“You literally just put them on parchment paper at 400 degrees,” Breindy said gently. “But it’s fine… I’ll do it.”

At publishing time, Yossi had insisted Breindy go back to bed after proudly serving the kids a gourmet meal of peanut butter and jelly on matzah with a side of sliced cucumbers, feeling like a true eishes chayil in his own right.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Accuses The Jews Of Removing Her Brain

ROME, GA — Former congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene once again pointed her finger squarely at the Jews, this time accusing them of removing her brain.

Greene posted a video to social media on Friday in which she claimed that secret tiny Jews infiltrated her house while she slept and systematically removed her brain from her skull piece by piece, turning her into the stupid person she is today.

"I used to be much smarter until the Jews came along," Greene said. "Did I mention that MAGA is dead, and also that Trump will use his influence in MAGA to start a nuclear war so he can get a third term? And, you know, there are also the space lasers."

According to experts, it is possible that Greene was missing her brain, but since there were no records of extended hospital stays for treatments during her congressional term, it was likely that she lost it before she became famous. Other sources claimed that she may have even been born without one.

"I like waffles," Greene responded when questioned about the details of her theory.

At publishing time, Greene had posted a new video accusing the Jews of taking control of her body and forcing her to post the initial video of her claims that they had stolen her brain. 

Feminist Mad That The Men She Hates Won't Date Her

PALO ALTO, CA — Local woman and self-proclaimed feminist Brandy Sidwell expressed frustration this week over the fact that all the men she hates refuse to date her.

Despondent over her singleness, Sidwell admitted to her friends that she has trouble holding back her outrage at the male population she's disgusted by for not being interested in her.

"Men are all pigs. Why won't they date me?" Sidwell lamented to friends. "I don't get it. I'm aggressive, shrill, angry, and I talk online all the time about how much I hate men. Why won't any of them ask me out?"

The 34-year-old Sidwell said she wants to get married eventually and start a family, maybe in her late 30s or early 40s, but she knows she needs to at least go on a few dates with "someone from the patriarchy" first.

"I hate to have to date them," she said. "But I know if I want to eventually get married, keep my last name, and spend a lifetime emasculating my husband, I have to date at least one of them."

At publishing time, Sidwell had decided to post a TikTok video outlining why she hates men as a way to get more men to notice her and hopefully ask her out.

Authorities Now Believe FlyDubai Copilot Radicalized By Watching Ms. Rachel Videos

DUBAI — After a preliminary investigation, authorities believe the failed FlyDubai hijacker Hamam Al-Hammami was radicalized online by watching Ms. Rachel videos.

Born in the United Arab Emirates, Al-Hammami previously flew as a copilot with Omani Air before he was grounded by the company when several Ms. Rachel episodes were discovered on his laptop.

"We can now confirm that the attacker had accessed Ms. Rachel videos on Netflix, which started a spiral of Islamic radicalization," announced a Dubai security spokesman. "This is why stopping terrorism has become so much harder in the modern age. No longer are these extremists traveling to Afghanistan and becoming indoctrinated in person. Today, all they need is a Netflix subscription and the ability to sit through thirty minutes of Ms. Rachel."

FlyDubai has taken full responsibility for the security oversight of hiring a man previously grounded by another airline for extremist views. "We failed to adequately check if Mr. Al-Hammami had previously watched Ms. Rachel. It is the sort of mistake that should never have happened," said FlyDubai spokesman Tariq Al-Amin. "We have immediately grounded all pilots until their Netflix history can be checked properly. FlyDubai will take every measure possible to ensure this never happens again."

At publishing time, Dubai authorities had also discovered that Al-Hammami had downloaded several episodes of Tucker Carlson's and Nick Fuentes' podcast.

ספק ספק ספיקא

הכובע של הרב צ"י נפל ותלמידו ר' ח"ש רצה לנקות משום "כל ת"ח שנמצא רבב וכו'. 

אמר הרב: ספק ת"ח, ספק בגד, ספק רבב. 

 

Melech HaMoshiach Shlita??

Thousands danced in ecstasy over Chol Hamoed in a *certain neighborhood* in Brooklyn to the words הרבי מלך המשיח שליט"א אין כמוך בעולם. 

I have some questions for them: 

1] If he is alive ["שליט"א"], then where *on earth* is he??

2] How is this man who is over 120 years old surviving??

3] If he is Moshiach then, by golly, why are we still in this horrific [albeit physically comfortable] galus? 

4] Isn't "אין כמוך בעולם" a term reserved for Hashem? Why do you talk about the Rebbe in terms used for Hashem [as one well known Chabad rabbi said, that one day we will see that "the Rebbe feert di velt"]? Why do you talk much more about him than about G-d???

5] Why is Klal Yisrael silent when a large influential group of people endlessly promote a false Messiah [a big lit up billboard recently went up in my very non-Chabad neighborhood with his picture and the words ברוך הבא מלך המשיח. How is this allowed??] and many even believe that a man who clearly died over 30 years ago is still alive?? Because they are really good for when one travels to some far away location in providing kosher meals and a minyan??  

To my mind, this is a scandal [as per Prof. Berger's book].