Rabbi Atiel Gilady,
Lecturer in the School for the Soul and Editor of the Writings of Rabbi Yitzchak Ginzburg
There are times when I have no patience for myself... I see in myself so many failures and problems that evidently my most difficult failing is that I am too critical of myself. After all, the truth is that in general I am pretty much okay, wouldn't it be better to look at the bright side instead of all my criticism? Anyway, if I am so damaged how can I expect to help others and to give them some of my own good?
Realistic Criticism
Self-criticism is the key to building up our character, personal advances, and certainly to a life of serving G-d. Anybody who has no faults and blemishes whatsoever is no longer a human being, for every single human being has some good traits and some failings. To be aware of this and to practice self-criticism is necessary in order to develop and to utilize the good points and in order to cope with the failings and mend them. However, even somebody who knows that he has some faults but is not able to look straight at them has a problem.
In addition to the "blockage" of the ability to mend my own problems and to achieve progress, the fear of what is lacking in me and the difficulty in analyzing myself precisely stem from a problem in my own personal image. Anybody who tries to wrap himself up in a personal image which is more generous than the truth (is there anybody who does not try this?) "loses patience with himself" when the exaggeration and the imagination in the self-image become apparent. As in a magic circle, my impatience with myself leads to a situation where I cannot look at myself honestly in order to make the necessary improvements without either diminishing my faults or exaggerating them. The solution for this, as a way of life, is to develop a realistic self-awareness which recognizes my personal faults, has patience with them but does not accept them, while maintaining a constant attempt to change and to grow.
First "Reprimand" Yourself
So far, we have very briefly discussed the matter of self-criticism needed for personal development. However, self-criticism is also a trait necessary for our ability to give spiritual support to others, in education and in treatment, and sometimes to be able to merely give friendly advice.
There is a well-known rule, "adorn yourself first and only afterwards should you try to adorn others." This is how our mentor the Baal Shem Tov explained the mitzva, "Hocheayach tochiach – Admonish your colleague" [Vayikra 19:17]: "First criticize yourself, and only then can you admonish your colleague with respect to the same subject."
Does this mean that I cannot make any comments to another person if I have not yet mended the same matter for myself (which evidently would mean that I can never make any comments to another person)? Anybody who takes pleasure in making such comments, in stabbing him from an exalted position, would probably do well to understand the matter in this way. However, we can look at it differently: Am I supposed to concentrate only on mending my own faults, such that I will not be able to help anybody else until I have completed my own process? This is absolute egotism, the very opposite of the Chassidic dictum to worry first about other people and not myself.
"Adorn yourself first" does not mean that I must complete my own mending before I will have the right to "comment" to another person. Rather, in order to truly be able to help another person I must be in a process of striving for my own mending and be able to engage in self-criticism. A person who can criticize himself with a realistic and patient acceptance of his own faults will also have the requisite patience when he looks at somebody else. He will not approach the matter with arrogance, rather he will propose to help from a feeling of empathy for the difficulties. He will give encouragement based on his own experience, and he will say that one can continue to live with the faults that everybody has, while coping with them and fixing them as time goes on.
In greater depth, realistic self-awareness can help a person recognize that good deeds and helping others are a gift from heaven. The more insignificant a person feels as compared to the Holy One, Blessed be He, the more he will be able, in spite of his personal failings, to be a channel for passing on the good. From this point of view, my own self-criticism should be focused on the degree of my insignificance with respect to G-d: How much of a "pure channel" am I for my children, my students, or my patients? When I take the credit for my insights and my successes, my own failings – and specifically, my pride – interfere with the Divine abundance. When I operate with modesty and remain aware that all the good belongs exclusively to G-d, my personal failings are shunted aside and allow the Divine good to pass through. Because of our arrogant tendencies, only constant self-criticism will allow us to maintain the purity of the "channel" which leads to a truly good influence on others.
(Based on the first condition of the "Rules for Education and Guidance" by the Rebbe Rayatz – the sixth Chabad Rebbe.)
