Charif - But What Can I Do.....

I don't mean to offend anyone with this post. Really. My weakness is that I love people and try to do anything I can not to cause pain or distress. My intention is to convey things as I see them with the hope that it will increase good in the world. If I am wrong - may Hashem and His holy people forgive me...

I learn. A lot. I am not bragging - just stating a fact. I am particularly drawn to sifrei avoda. Books that are intended to guide Jews towards reaching their potential. I want to reach mine and I want to help others reach theirs.

I learn Mesilas Yesharim and Orchos Tzadikim and Tomer Devora and Maharal and Sfas Emes and Sifrei Chabad and Rav Tzadok and Rav Yisrael Salanter and Rav Kook and Rav Charlap. I see who these people were and the heights they reached in their Avodas Hashem [as an earthling looks up at the stars]. Then I look around and feel that there is a tremendous gap between what is expected and what is actually practiced.

Take tefilla. I am not talking about modern shuls. There is nothing to talk about because in my 41 years I have not attended a modern shul where the daily davening was anything more than a drudgery on the level of having to fill up the car with gas or going to the dentist for a cleaning. No emotion but you have to do it....  I am talking about the frum shuls. I watch people rush-in-rush-out. Come late, leave early. Skip parts of the davening. Answer phone calls. People are BORED. Is a man any different after he davened mincha on Tuesday afternoon than he was before mincha on Tuesday afternoon? Hard to believe. But if he isn't - then he hasn't truly davened. Do people feel אשרי יושבי ביתך - that it is a great merit and honor to be able to sit in His house? If they would, then one minute after mincha, shul wouldn't be empty. Does anybody CARE that הללוהו כל מלאכיו - the angels praise Hashem? If we could - wouldn't we cut out almost all of davening. Don't we breath a sigh of relief when there is no tachanun on Monday and Thursday? Then I read a piece Rav Kook writes about tefilla and I am stung by the stark contrast between theory and practice, what should be versus what is. Where is the לב???

Take ahavas yisrael. How many people do you know who really love every Jew? That is a mitzva from the Torah that almost nobody keeps. At best we love a few people we are close to. I know a MILLION people but when I really need a favor done [even a small one] I have to spend a long time wracking my brain decideing who on my short list of dependable not self absorbed people, I should ask. And even then it often doesn't get done. What the Torah expects is that everybody should feel comfortable and confident that even a complete stranger would do anything for you because that is the way of Hashem. Recently, for example, I asked a HUGE talmid chochom I am friendly with to hand over a small note with a name to the gabbai of the shul. He refused "I'll forget". I wonder - is this what Hashem wants? Do we really believe that when we do a chesed it is worth more than a billion dollars?? If somebody was giving out 20 dollar bills don't you think that he would get more attention than someone asking for help cleaning his house for pesach? What is greater - an act of chesed or a few silly dollars??

Belief. Do people REALLY believe. Is G-d as real to them as they are to themselves. There is a mitzva to walk around feeling love of Hashem and fear of Hashem. WHO DOES?? Rav Tzvi Meir Zilberberg. Great. Who else?? It is a standard-applies-to-everyone-mitzva-in-the-Torah. Do people really believe that a second of Torah study will merit them eternal bliss beyond anything this world can offer? If so - how can people spend so much time on so much of the nonsense that most people are focused on.

What bothers me is how little self-awareness people have. Not realizing how distant they are from the ideal in every aspect of life. People think that they are talmidei chachomim when they are ignoramuses, that they are modest when they are arrogant, that they are true baalei chesed when in fact their chesed is self serving. Chesed feels good and people choose chasodim that enhance their good feeling but when it comes to a chesed that doesn't feel good they won't do it. I have a trillion examples but I am trying to keep things concise....

Today I was on the bus and a friend invited me to sit next to him. I was far more interested in how the Ramban explains chazkas shalosh shanim [ע"ש!] as explicated in a geshmak sefer on Bava Basra that I just picked up in the used bookstore on Rechov Meah Shearim [for about 2 American dollars!!:)] but I thought it would be rude to learn so I closed my sefer in order to chat with him. He then proceeded to interrupt our conversation six times with phone calls. Why couldn't he just talk to me for a few minutes without stopping every two minutes. What made it more annoying was that he had some good advice and offered practical help with a project I am working on. Am I not normal because when I speak to someone I try not to interrupt them repeatedly to care of my own business? Why do I feel self-centered when I do show them that I am far more interested in myself than in them? What is even crazier is that I didn't realize how much it bothered me and how offended I was until THIS MINUTE. I am so used to rudeness that I suppress any negative emotions I may be feeling. The other day, a big talmid chochom was at my house asking me for a favor. He did the SAME thing. So I am standing there waiting impatiently for him to finish his conversation so I can get back to my business. I didn't say anything because he wouldn't understand. It is acceptable so what is my problem. Don't I realize?? His phone rang. The world must stop. Even davening must stop. Some people might say that I am hypersensitive. Maybe. Maybe not. But instead of psychoanalyzing the Baal-Hablog a lot more good would be accomplished if people thought about what Hashem wants. What is true gitskeit [goodness]. Even the Rebbe Shlita once described how someone came to him for eitza and interrupted for a significant amount of time in order to answer a phone call. There is a word for that.

It rhymes with "Lutzpah".

Take Rav Moshe Feinstein as a f'rinstance. He explained that he wasn't a smoker [back when everybody was before the health risks were known] because he NEVER PUT ANYTHING IN HIS MOUTH JUST FOR PLEASURE!!! The average Joe [or "Mo"]? EVERYTHING he does is for pleasure. He eats foods he shouldn't, drinks sodas that are only good to clean a stuffed kitchen pipe [I heard that one from a soda drinker who fills his overweight children with the poison], is lazy when he should be moving - all for pleasure. Where ARE we?

People, most people, aren't EMES-DIK. They fool themselves and they fool others. My curse is that I see it so often. Indeed, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

The baalei mussar would tell me that if I notice it in others it means that I possess some of it in myself. OF COURSE I do!! That is how I know. So this is not about being better than others. I just feel the spiritual dessication that is so rampant and want to break out of it. It is hard when one is surrounded by so much mediocrity. Where people STRIVE for mediocrity. Where people are so attached to their bodies and comfort and preconceived notions about how to act that they stay the same people their whole lives. Oh, to have died, and realized that you never lived....

So sweetest and most-most-most-beloved-friends. If you don't know what I am talking about - then this post wasn't for you. Ignore it. If you feel yourself getting defensive - then again, this post wasn't for you. If you can identify on some level with what I am saying then you are an איש כלבבי.

It goes without saying that there is tons of good in the world. Loads of chesed-tzedaka-and-tefilla. Example - in my small poor neighborhood [poor because people primarily moved here to the boondocks out of yerushalyim for the more affordable housing] over 30 thousand shekel was collected for matanos le-evyonim. Today I was at a sefarim store, and Baruch Hashem, people are learning and writing great sefarim. When I get to the Kotel, I see davening as it should be. LOTS of great things in Klal Yisrael.

But all told - light years away from what the Mesilas Yeshaim describes.

So what is the solution? Learn sifrei avoda and become an emes-e oved. Find friends who are like-minded. Engage in introspection. Connect to a tzaddik who personifies the true Torah personality. Ask yourself how much the transient western culture has a hold on you at the expense of eternal values.

There is soooooo much more to say. ישמע חכם ויוסיף לקח.

Love to all and apologies if I hurt anyone. Anyway, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the other guy:).