Dealing With Those Who Don't Appreciate You

This is in response to an email communication where I was asked by a dear friend how to deal with relatives who are less than religiously inspired.

Dearest Beloved Friend!

First - Kabbala....

There are billions of worlds. Souls descend from different worlds. Some souls descend from higher worlds and are therefore of a higher quality. Other souls descend from lower worlds and are of less spiritual quality. You can see it in people. Some people have this irresistible attraction to spirituality. Even from a young age you can often see it. Some people are solid religious Jews but are just not excited by spirituality. Some are spiritually tone-deaf. EVERYBODY has a purpose in this world and just because someone is not the Amshinover Rebbe doesn't mean that he doesn't have a job to do here. Everybody is obligated to maximize their potential.

That is nature. There is also nurture. A lot has to do with how a person is raised, who his influences are and what his experiences have been. The confluence of these two factors, nature and nurture, will determine what type of spiritual constitution a person has.

So we often have children in this generation who are very spiritual and their family members are not. The nature of many of those who themselves don't appreciate spirituality is to scoff at and mock those who are more passionate [including branding them fanatics or other 'terms of endearment']. There are numerous reasons for this which are not our topic.

So what is one to do about those who oppose his [or, possibly more often, her] religious growth and enthusiasm?

First of all: Rachmanus. Poor them. There is NO simcha and fulfillment in life like closeness to Hashem and His ways. People don't appreciate Torah but if they would taste the sweetness that thousands taste with every daf gemara and every tosfos they would change their attitude. So they deserve compassion that their pleasures in life are the externals such as restaurants and pro sports. Mamesh nebach. I have tasted tosphos and also delicious turkey and the depth and meaning that the former give are incomparable to the gastronomic pleasure afforded by the latter. The ideal is to be able to enjoy BOTH [while realizing what life is truly about]. וטוב לב משתה תמיד - Life should be a constant party, said the wisest of all men.

One must also realize that the air in America is spiritually contaminating [in the words of Rav Elchonon Wasserman who visited America to fund raise "Der lift is farsamt" - The air is tamei]. Most people there think that the primary purpose of life is economic i.e. MONEYYYYYY. אלהי כסף ואלהי זהב - gods of gold and silver. Even people who daven three times a day with a minyan and never miss a daf yomi also think this way. It is a disease that needs a serious refuah....

The truth is that money is just a means but not an end. It is very hard for people to accept this. Deep down they know that it's true, even goyim know that its true, but in daily life, people don't think that way, not in the U.S.A [at least not most people].

So if we understand that it is a national malady that afflicts all types from all circles, it is easier to accept.

So sweetest friends - don't take it personally! If you wear a long skirt and your mother tells you to be normal, give her an answer she won't be able to counter "I love you Mommy. You are the best". [If you are a guy - she might have a point though...:-)].


If you want to learn and your parents tell you that you are wasting your time, say "Mom and Dad, you are the most wonderful parents in the world. Thank you sooooo much for your care and concern." Then kiss them. And mean it! You are only Jewish because of them. You only exist because of them. You owe them everything. You don't have to listen to them but you have to respect and appreciate them.

You are not going to convince them that the purpose of the briyah is limmud hatorah and avodas Hashem. If you try that argument, you will be branded "nuts" or "out of touch with reality". Avoid argument [see the statement of Rav Yochanan in Sanhedrin 38b which is frightening in its harshness and profound truth].

One day, when moshiach comes and after 120, everyone will know the emes. In the meantime - YOU know the emes and that is what matters. Thank Hashem that you are connected to what is real and lasting and don't let the criticism affect you.

THIS is what it's all about. Sends chills up my spine.....:-)

Love and blessings,

Me:-)