Why Kids Go Off The Derech

There has been much talk [including on these pages] over the last few years about the question of why so many of our young people are going off the derech. My first rule is HUMILITY. Some people are afflicted with the great illness of arrogance and think that they have all of the answers and if people would only follow their instructions everything would be fine and all of our children would be tzadikim. This arrogance is cured when they themselves have a child who goes off the derech. Then they see that it is not so simple. There is a long list of great people who had problems with their children. We begin with Avraham Avinu, followed by Yitzchak. Yaakov also had quite a bit of distress himself. Throughout the generations there have been many gedolei yisrael who had children who went off. In our generation we see children from families of great talmidei chachomim who have wonderful siblings but are themselves on the streets.

One show of humility is when educators and the like involve parents in the process of trying to help the child. Some people are so convinced that they know it all and/or everything is the parents fault that they try to help the child while completely ignoring the parents, even though it is the parents who know the child best and care for him the most. This is harmful to the child, indescribably painful to the parents and the people who act in such ways are being terribly irresponsible [I would say that they will be punished but I don't want to wish punishments upon anybody...]. Nothing can take the place of parents. Of course, some parents are not helpful and can even be barriers in the process of helping the child but this is often not the case.  

I recently read a piece where the author wrote that it is because parents don't have shalom bayis that kids go off. This is IT!:-) He knows. But then he also knows that many parents have shalom bayis and their kids go off anyway. His answer was that they don't have the ideal shalom bayis as the Torah maps out.

I will share with you sweet friends who has ideal shalom bayis as the Torah maps out.....

Nobody.

Or almost nobody. To understand this one has to deeply understand what the Torah is shooting for in marriage and in addition to understand what goes on in the marriages of people. Just by keenly observing most couples for a short while, I can already perceive problems in their relationship. Nobody is perfect in this area and I think it quite presumptuous to blame everything on the parents. Of course, it is critical for parents to have good shalom bayis but just because it is not perfect doesn't mean that they are at fault for their children abandoning Torah and mitzvos.

So sweetest friends - work on your middos, have good shalom bayis, give your kids a solid Torah education, don't give him/her unmonitored access to the internet, don't let him watch TV or movies, live in a good neighborhood and then DAVEN lots. Many of the so-called experts themselves have kids who went off [just as many marriage counselors are divorced] so you see that knowing-it-all is not the answer.

Sometimes, it is a decree from above that parents must accept bi-simcha. Sometimes, it is partially the fault of parents or other factors. But at the end of the day - when a child abandons the faith, he is making a conscious decision that is his and his alone and ultimately he/she will have to take responsibility. Blaming parents and teachers is great for an angry blog, but the reality is that [almost] everyone has free choice and must take responsiblity for their actions and decisions.

I have had hypocritical rabbeim but didn't go off the derech [at least I hope not], yet hypocritical rabbeim are often blamed for a child's veering from the path [this is not a defense of hypocritical rabbeim:-)]. I watched too much TV and movies and listened to goyishe music as a child but remained frum [I hope:-)] yet pop culture is often targeted for blame. A factor - yes, but ultimately it is up to the child. I was a poor student [in class not in money, today I am much better in class but much more poor with the money:-)] and didn't like learning, yet I remained with my kippah and tzitzis firmly in place - so another scapegoat is proven not to be a compelling factor. I wasn't given proper answers to hashkafah questions I asked [and was shouted down for even asking by a well known gadol] yet I persevered and found my answers. Yet another one of the targets of blame goes down. I am not a great person or particularly special [don't tell my wife - I want her to be happy she married me] because just about EVERYBODY I know had reasons to become irreligious. The best reason is the YETZER HARA which wants to be free of rules and act on human impulses and urges. Everyone reading this does that while many of those children who go off choose not to.   

So again, if you want good children, zera beirach Hashem - hug and kiss your kids all the time into their teenage and adult years, make yiddsihkeit exciting and joyful, have a Rav you consult with to give objective opinions, don't be overly strict while setting limits, set a good example, love your spouse boundlessly etc. etc. and then stain your tehillim with tears.

Love and blessings:-)