A Breslover, a Lubavitcher and a Litvack end up in gehenom. They’re sitting there in gehenom when in walks Rebbi Nachman.
He says to the Breslover “what are you doing here in gehenom?” “I did such and such serious aveiros.".
“Listen” says Rebbi Nachman, "you said Tikun Haklali, you said Tikkun Chatzos, I made a promise.” And he shleps the Breslover out of gehenom by his peyos.
They’re sitting there for a while and in walks the Lubavitcher Rebbe. He says to the Lubavitcher “What are you doing here in gehenom?” “ I did such and such serious aveiros”.
The rebbe says “listen, you said Chitas, you did shlichus and put tefillin on some guys in Timbuktu, you don’t belong here.” And he shleps the Lubavitcher out of gehenom.
The Litvak is sitting there in Gehenom all alone for the longest time when in walks his Mashgiach. He takes one look at his talmid sitting there in gehenom and says “I told you!”.
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BJJ girl and Brisker went on a date.
Brisker- "What's your name?"
"Kelisheva, what's yours?"
"Kelikaku."
And then they sat down and enjoyed ginger keil.
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A guy goes to Reb Chaim ZTL for a bracha, and Reb Chaim gives his standard "Bu Ha"
Guy: Can I please have a longer bracha?
Reb Chaim: Sure. Boooooooo haaaaaaaa."
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The famed Chassidish badchen Yankel Miller went in to Reb Chaim for a Brocha.
Reb Chaim: Bu Ha.
Yankel: Ooh ah.
Reb Chaim: Vus meint Ooh ah?
Yankel: Vus meint Bu ha?
Reb Chaim: Brocha Vhatzlocha.
Yankel: Umein V'umein.
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A Breslover and a Brisker sit near each other on a plane. The Breslover turns to the Brisker and goes,
"Na!"
The Brisker looks at him and says "SH!"
Breslover: Na nach!
Brisker: SHHHH!
Bresolver: Na nach nachman!
Brisker: SHHHHHH!
Breslover: Na nach nachman m'Uman!
Brisker: SHHHHHEMAAA!
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Did you hear about the Yekke who married a chassidishe girl?
The chuppa was exactly an hour late.
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A bochur goes to his rosh yeshiva a few days after purim for permission to go home early for pesach. when asked why, he responds "I have it all worked out. I go home now and date, then I will be able to come back engaged right after pesach. I will go back summer bein hazmanim to get married and be back R"ch elul."
The Rosh yeshiva says "fine, just wait one more day"
The bochur asks why and the response is "according to your cheshbon the bris will be on shabbos. Better push it off a day."
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A chassidisher, a lubavitcher and a litvisher found out they’re not really Jewish.
The chassidisher went to fress at all treif restaurants.
The Lubavitcher went to dance in clubs.
And the litvisher went to learn in the bathroom .
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A chossid goes to his doctor and says “doctor I want live until 100. What lifestyle changes do you recommend?”
The doctor says, “become a litvak. No farbrengins, not so much as a Lechaim to drink, no singing during davening, no shmoozing in the mikvah, no Toamehu erev shabbos, just simple foods, serious slow davening, and learning.”
“OK, then I’ll live to be 100?”
“No,” says the doctor, “but it will feel like it.”
