I'm 30 years old and have been married for 3 years. My husband is a person who cares for me very much and meets all my physical needs, whether it's providing a good living, living in a nice apartment, being generous with me, or being a God-fearing person.
Regarding emotional needs, nothing. He will never have a deep conversation with me, he will never understand my pain, even if I talk about pain I'm experiencing, even if it's not related to him. He will give such technical answers. If I tell him about a painful incident, for example, he might give the most superficial answer in the world: "Move on, don't think about it."
There were days I would cry at night for almost two hours, and he wouldn't even pay attention. It would break me even more. No matter how much I tried to explain to him that a woman is more than just technical, it's about emotion and conversations of interest, but nothing would get through!
And for me, that's the aspiration and the norm: to have friendship, understanding, and conversation with him, because that's what connects me – the conversations, the understanding, the acceptance, essentially. That you feel he's there for you even in a mental sense!! It affects me so much that I cry less at night now, and I understand that there won't be a solution, but I can't be with him in a man-woman connection under any circumstances!!!! Because of this, I feel that this topic is only hurting me more because I can't understand how it's possible to be there without an emotional connection. For me, it's like two strangers from the street. I feel a lack of connection!!! And my husband is terribly angry about this and keeps going back to the "I give you," "I support you," "I buy you" technique.
And I just cry out from the depths of my soul that he would only truly understand me, that he would connect with my soul, that he would be interested in what's inside me. I've been so frustrated lately. I started feeling physically unwell, but my blood tests are mostly fine. I experience extreme weakness. I sit on the couch for hours, not out of depression, but due to weakness. I think this is because my soul is suffering so much because the person who is supposed to be closest to me doesn't understand me and even demands that I be with him in a man-woman connection. I can't do it; it repulses me when it comes in this way!!!!! And I wanted love, intimacy, and romance the most, but when there's no emotional connection, it just destroys the soul. I'm so hurt, frustrated, and helpless. I've tried to talk to him about this a lot, and I've also argued with him about it in the past. He's very opposed to therapy and listening to rabbis. Additionally, this leads to extreme anger, which is unpleasant for the house, and I can understand him because in his world there is only technical and he finds it difficult to understand the other side. I'm really looking forward to your response. Thank you very much.
Answer:
Your words are full of pain and I've been carrying them with me for several days. I feel your pain.
You want connection. Connection. Significant closeness.
And how right you are.
A relationship is not a technical system, not a commercial one, and certainly not just physical.
And when there's no meaningful connection, everything else feels bland and tasteless.
You describe your husband as a practical and technical man, his investment in you, the house, and the relationship – on a technical level.
He gives, he buys, he allows and releases -
But for you, all of this is meaningless because the main thing is missing from the book - your emotional needs.
Can we take a moment to look at two concepts that have become intertwined here?
To see the desire and aspiration for meaningful connection,
And alongside them, to see your emotional needs?
These are two different topics, and right now they are mentioned in the same breath, intertwined.
By saying that if emotional needs are not met, there is no connection and no bond.
I know this is a common perception and many women experience these two issues as one.
And at the same time, it suggests that we look a little deeper.
We all have needs. Of all kinds.
Physical, emotional, mental, social.
And we strive, work hard, and toil to fulfill these needs.
There's no doubt that we also seek to fulfill them through others, and first and foremost through our most significant relationship - our marriage.
Can a relationship really be a source of fulfillment for all needs?
Can one spouse fulfilll all the desires, needs, and shortcomings of the other?
After all, no one but God can be the one who "fulfills all my needs."
Certainly, couples in a healthy and loving state want to do the best for each other.
And mutual giving and deep caring are part of a close relationship,
But it's important to distinguish between an expression of love and the role of fulfilling needs.
After the Holy One, Blessed be He, who creates many souls and their deficiencies - in order to bring us to pray to Him,
The next person who cares for a person's needs is a parent.
Parents are responsible for children's needs, providing them with everything they need to grow and develop physically, mentally, and spiritually.
And the parents too - they are limited and can't really give everything perfectly...
The connection between partners, the connection between a man and a woman, is a different kind of connection.
This isn't a parent-child relationship, but a relationship between two adults.
A bond of partnership, connection, unity, cooperation, of creating a new cell of life - the Jewish Home.
What creates this connection?
What builds a connection?
What allows for closeness?
That's the million-dollar question :)
And the answer is not fulfilling needs.
We won't be able to touch on everything that creates closeness, but there are two points you might want to consider as tools for connecting with your husband.
Presence and an open heart.
This presence is the ability to be. I am here with everything I am. With the feelings, thoughts, and needs,
I'm here and holding myself together. Not hiding, not concealing, not faking, not trying to please.
This presence is also the ability to see the same thing - you are present and I see you. Everything you are. Your will, your personality, your choice, your effort, your limitations. Everything you are and are not, everything you think and feel.
Presence is simply being with what is. Without judging. Just to see and acknowledge who I am and who you are.
Presence is giving space to our being as it is.
An open heart is an attitude.
A position that allows the other person to get to know me from within, to see what's going on inside me, a position of openness and transparency, of candor and sharing - not to get something, but only to allow connection.
This is a position of acceptance of what the other person brings and gives. The ability to warm up to his good intentions - even if the action itself didn't exactly fit my needs.
When you are fully present with who you are. Bringing your feelings, your personality, your truth.
Ready to see him and enjoy the beauty he possesses.
Open to him, happy to accept what he brings, transparent before him -
So there's a much greater possibility of connection.
And what about unmet needs? How do you live with this?
The answer is divided into two parts:
Some of your needs, and probably the majority of them, will be met when you share your feelings, what brings you closer and what pushes you away, what makes you feel good and comfortable or the opposite.
Not as incriminating information, not as a lawsuit - but as sharing. Factually, without placing blame on him. That doesn't demand of him.
Information that provides an opportunity.
A small portion of needs may remain unmet in this relationship.
And these are probably not meant to be realized within the relationship either.
Perhaps they are childish needs that have remained like giant voids in the soul and require processing within a therapeutic framework.
And it is possible that they are part of life's trials, a lack that the Holy One, Blessed be He, decreed, and He is the only address for them...
Anyway -
I want to recommend that you ask for all your needs from the one who owns everything - the King of Kings.
Share with your husband the opportunities he has to do good for you and treat you well—not because you depend on him and would remain miserable without him.
I believe that changing this attitude will allow your husband to expand the boundaries of his goodness.
And to feel enormous satisfaction in his ability to make you happy and connect with you.
