My 14-year-old son studies at a yeshiva, but when he's home, he plays computer games all day, doesn't go to daven on time, and just plays for many hours, even 7 hours. His father helped him buy this game. I was against it from the start, but we're divorced and he can do whatever he wants. It turns out I'm always trying to reduce his playing hours, and he gets very angry and curses me for interrupting him from playing as much as he wants. What can I do? He's very addicted to the game and it breaks my heart to see his mental and emotional state.
Answer:
It's clear that there is great pain hidden in the few sentences you wrote. The pain of a mother worrying about her teenage son who is behaving like an addict.
I'm trying to find words to express empathy for your frustration, and I hope that in this response you'll find guidance on how to deal with your teenage son correctly.
Well, for the sake of good order, here are a few points that arise from your words:
Your teenage son plays computer games for many hours. He's not going to daven in a minyan – meaning his functioning is problematic and it's clear you're very worried about it, which creates...
Power struggles between you and your son over reducing playing time.
There are disagreements between the parents (even if it's not explicitly stated, the assumption is that your son is experiencing this).
From these points, it appears that beyond your personal suffering, your son is also likely having a very difficult time. Usually, addiction is an (ineffective) way to cope with difficulty and pain.
It's easy to guess that it's hard for him that his parents are divorced. If your arguments about educational methods continue to this day, it only adds to your son's difficulties. I assume he has no interest in arguing with you about screen time, and I believe he would like to function as a normal child, sitting and studying and also playing with friends or on the computer in the right proportion, but he doesn't have the knowledge or the mental strength to make a real change.
Therefore, I recommend that you seek personal therapy/guidance from a professional who can also treat your son if necessary.
But I will also try to give you some knowledge and tools that will help you.
In cases of challenges with teenagers, I like to work with a model that I've found to be very useful and effective.
Here he is before you:
At the core of the model, there are several very important principles.
First principle – connection
Let's start by saying that the main parental role during adolescence is: the responsibility to maintain contact with the teenager, despite their natural tendency to separate. In other words, to allow him space to develop independently, while still maintaining a connection even though his behavior doesn't always align with the parent's wishes. And this is different from the main role in childhood, where we need to show them the way and teach them things they wouldn't know without us. Teenagers often know everything, or at least have access to a lot of information that can help them in life, but sometimes they choose to ignore this knowledge (like your son who "plays computer games all day and doesn't go to daven in the minyan," and so on) due to various challenges they are dealing with, or because of significant difficulties they are going through.
Second principle – the parent's inner work
The more aware we become of what we're going through, the better we can organize the inner voices within us, thereby becoming calmer, more regulated, and with clearer personal boundaries. The model presented below is intended to address this part and help you organize your thoughts and feelings.
Third principle – to understand what the teenager is really going through.
The teenager's problematic behavior is often an expression of distress or a search for identity. Which means the right response isn't just to correct the behavior, but to try to understand what's behind it.
The more the parent sees things from the child's perspective, the calmer, more empathetic, and more helpful communication becomes. In this context, parents worry that if they show their child they understand them, the child might feel validated for their actions and will continue problematic behavior. Well, understanding is not agreement. In other words, even if I understand the other person, that doesn't mean I agree with them, and as you'll see in the next section, it certainly doesn't mean we should allow them to continue their behavior – but it's important to know that understanding the other person builds trust and strengthens the connection.
Fourth Principle – Hierarchy and Boundaries
Even during adolescence, the parent remains the authority – the responsibility for the child's safety and functioning is theirs.
However, boundaries are becoming more flexible and dialogical.
They need to be personalized for each child, not a copy of what worked with their siblings.
Setting boundaries through dialog teaches maturity, responsibility, and demonstrates attentive leadership rather than forceful control.
Fifth Principle – Communication, Empathy, and Validation
A connection with a teenager is built from small, everyday moments of caring and listening.
There are two main tools in communication:
Empathy – understanding what the teenager is feeling, even without agreeing.
Validation – to legitimize the emotion, even if not the behavior.
Empathy and validation create a sense of "being understood," which strengthens the connection and allows for setting boundaries without disconnection.
Sixth Principle – Gaps Between Parents
Differences in approach between parents are natural – the challenge is not to make the child a battleground. The emphasis should be on the child's mental well-being, not on which parent is right. There's no doubt that in your case, what's needed is more complex, but it's definitely worth preparing and investing resources to try and cooperate for the sake of your son.
This is the place to mention that a mentally healthy child is more important than an obedient one.
When a child sees parents who respect each other, even if they think differently, they learn about love, boundaries, and stability.
Well, after presenting the principles, we can move on to a model that can help you get closer to your son.
In this section, we examine with ourselves what we are going through in light of the teenager's behavior. In fact, in the mind of every parent, various and numerous voices arise on how to behave and cope with their child. These voices often contradict each other. Sometimes they clash with our preconceived notions and attitudes, unsettling us. To sort this out, we will try to identify (preferably by writing on a piece of paper) what voices arise within us from the perspective of:
"Warmth and love" – meaning those soft voices that tell us it's not worth arguing with the child, that we should let them do whatever they want, and so on...
Approach the teenager and ask them what's going on. For example, you could say to your son: "I see something is bothering you. I'm here to help. It's very possible that your son won't really go along with your desire to help, and he'll respond, "Everything's fine. "Nothing happened," but here your responsibility is not to give up on him and try to invite him into a relationship. Despite the potential challenge, try to find ways to reach his heart, driven by the understanding that he is suffering from something and that you have a responsibility to stay in touch with him. And yes, sometimes it takes courage!
We are – at this stage, we are reaching agreements regarding our joint conduct.
For example: "Thank you for telling me that you are having a hard time at the yeshiva academically and socially / because of the divorce, etc." I will do everything I can to find you another mentor/framework. I understand that this difficulty is causing you to act in certain ways, but there are things that cannot continue. For me, that's a "red line" when it comes to touching my personal belongings...
I hope this is helpful for you and that you get a lot of joy from your son!
