Most people don't realize how great and sinister a role envy plays in our lives. But stop and think about it. Don't we all deal with envy practically every single day? We would have no problem driving the car we have, but when we look across the street and see what our neighbor is driving, our car suddenly loses its luster. We would have no problem staying home in the summer or going on a modest vacation, but when we hear where our neighbor is going, we feel impelled to revise our travel plans.
Our children come to us when they're little, and they say, "But he got a new bike! I want a new bike, too!"
They get a little older and the requests get a little larger, and the problems of dealing with envy become more severe.
How can we deal with it? How can we avoid being envious and jealous of our peers and friends?
IN THE BEGINNING
The problem of jealousy is an important and recurring theme in the Torah. The story of Cain and Abel is about jealousy. The story of Joseph and his brothers is about jealousy. The story of King Saul and King David is about jealousy. Why does the Torah devote so much ink to the pitfalls of jealousy? Because human beings have to deal with jealousy day in day out, year after year, for all of their entire lives.Let us return for a moment to the tragic incident of Cain and Abel. Both brought sacrifices. Abel's was accepted, but Cain's was not.
Cain was the first person in the history of the world who had to compete, the first person in the history of the world who came in second. He was the first person in the history of the world who had to deal with jealousy. He was so consumed with jealousy that he actually killed his brother. And thus he became the first person in the history of the world to commit murder, the first to commit fratricide.
So what does this story tell us?
A lot.
First, it tells us that jealousy is triggered not so much by objects as by people. We are not actually jealous of what they have but of their having it. It's not the thing itself that matters, but that they have it and we don't. Cain did not fly into a murderous rage because his sacrifice was rejected. No, that wouldn't have been so terrible. It was that Abel's sacrifice was accepted while his wasn't. That was more than he could bear.
When my children were very young, I took them to a restaurant. We sat down at the table, and there was a container of toothpicks in the center of the table. The toothpicks were totally ignored as we discussed the menu. But then one of my children decided to take a toothpick, and suddenly the other children were all clamoring for toothpicks. Now trust me on this; 6-year-olds and 8-year-olds don't need toothpicks. So why did they want toothpicks all of a sudden? Because the others had toothpicks and they didn't.
YOUR FRIEND GETS TWICE AS MUCH
The Midrash presents a very illuminating parable about two people of different natures. One was an extremely envious person, the other an insatiable pleasure seeker. Satan comes to them and says, "Gentlemen, I'll make you a deal. I'll give one of you whatever you want. Make a wish -- whatever you want -- and it's yours. Just one condition. Whatever you get, your friend is going to get twice as much."Both people faced a terrible dilemma.
The envious person could not deal with someone else getting twice as much as he did. "Whatever I'm going to wish for," he thought, "the other guy is going to get twice as much. I can't live with it."
The pleasure-seeker could not deal with it either. "How can I stand the sight of so much pleasure," he thought, "and not be able to enjoy it?" So they went back and forth, each one pushing the choice onto the other. You choose. No, you choose. No, you choose.
Reluctantly, the envious person agreed to choose first. "What should I ask for?" he thought furiously. "Should I ask for a million dollars? I can't, because then he'll get two million. Should I ask for a 25-room mansion? I can't, because then he'll get a 50-room palace. So what should I do?"
Finally, the envious person came to his decision. He turned to Satan and said, "Okay, I made up my mind. I want you to take out one of my eyes."
This, points out the Midrash, is how twisted and warped we can become. This is what envy can accomplish. A person who is ruled by envy would forgo the fondest wishes of his heart and ask to have his eye put out, just as long as someone else does not have more than he does. It is absolutely mindboggling.
FLAUNT IT?
Moreover, not only is it destructive to be envious, it is also destructive to arouse envy in others.In America we are told, "If you have it, flaunt it!" But the Torah begs to differ. If we have it and flaunt it, thereby causing envy in others, we are most definitely doing something wrong.
So what is the antidote? How can we protect ourselves if we are fortunate enough to have a wonderful home, wonderful children, a wonderful wife, a wonderful salary, a wonderful job? The only way, Rabbi E.E. Dessler explains, is to become a giver to the community rather than a taker. People look kindly on givers. They are inclined to be generous with people who give generously of their time, their money and their energies.
But those who hoard it and flaunt it, who are miserly with the gifts God has granted them, are not as pure as the driven snow. People are not inclined to cut them any slack, and thus, they become vulnerable to envy.
ONE OF THE BIG TEN
The Ten Commandments are the fundamentals of Judaism. Every single one of them is a fundamental of the faith. [The 10th of the 10 Commandments is:] "Don't covet your neighbor's wife or his donkey or any of his possessions."This is a fundamental tenet of Judaism? If a person covets someone else's donkey, he can't be a good Jew? If a person covets someone else's car, he can't be a good Jew? Why did God include jealousy in the Ten Commandments along with faith and idolatry and Shabbos observance? Is it really so fundamental to Judaism?
That's right! The answer is a resounding yes. Jealousy is the exact opposite of faith. "Don't be jealous" tells us that God controls the world... Don't be jealous of your neighbor's wife, because the wife He gave is you is one He wants you to have as a life partner. Don't be jealous of your neighbor's house, because the house He gave to you is the one in which He wants you to live. Don't be jealous of your neighbor's donkey, because that donkey is meant to be that person's donkey, not yours.
WORKING DOUBLE-TIME
If we put this into practice, our daily lives would be transformed.A Jewish jeweler in Antwerp, Belgium, once came to Rabbi Chaim Kreiswirth. "I don't understand it," he told Rabbi Kreiswirth. "The man across the street is doing twice the business I am. What am I doing wrong?"
"How much square footage do you have?" asked Rabbi Kreiswirth, thinking the other man might have a bigger store.
The man shook his head. "No, that's not it. I checked it out, and we both have the same square footage."
"How about the lighting?" asked Rabbi Kreiswirth. "Maybe he has better lighting. Lighting is very important in the jewelry business, you know."
The man shook his head again. "No, we have the same type of lighting."
"Well, maybe he just has better goods than you do," suggested Rabbi Kreiswirth.
"No," said the man. "We both have the same supplier."
"How many customers come to his store each day?" asked Rabbi Kreiswirth.
"Well, I know that he has twice the number of customers I do."
"Aha!" said Rabbi Kreiswirth. "Now I know what you're doing wrong. Every day your friend across the street comes into his store and minds his business. But every day you come into your store, you're looking across the street. You, my friend, are minding two stores at the same time. It's no wonder that you're not doing as well."
