I am probably naïve. I read an article in the YU Commentator and was shocked. I only skimmed it and skipped the graphic parts but the idea was that a teenage girl got together with a male friend of hers to say goodbye and have something to eat before he went off to college [both, I am assuming, identify as "Orthodox"]. In the past they have had a physical relationship although they are not a couple with any serious or long lasting relationship. To make a long story short, he pressured her to engage in physical contact. At first she was resistant and then she agreed. After a little while she wanted to stop but he continued and essentially raped her [again, I didn't read the article carefully and skipped a lot but that seemed to be what happened from the part I read]. She then needed a lot of therapy to get through the indescribable trauma that she subsequently experienced. [I am sure that she still suffers].
I am not shocked that she was raped. עיר פרא אדם יולד - Man was born a wild donkey. If he doesn't work to tame himself, then he remains that way. We know today how common place sexual abuse is and it happens at all levels of society. This is the sad reality of life. Of course it is heart breaking and society at large must do everything they can to put a stop to it but that is the present reality.
I am not blaming her for his behavior. He should be arrested, jailed and sent for counseling. He is one hundred percent at fault. רשע רשע רשע. No excuses.
But it didn't seem from the article that she changed her opinion about her own practice of casually fooling around with boys. She will continue and hope in the future that they are more gentle. That is what seems. In any case, many young girls from good "Orthodox" families have no inhibitions about engaging in physical relationships with boys. Being "shomer negiya" is viewed as a matter of choice ["are you shomer"?] like cholov yisroel. And cholov yisroel is for Lakewood or Flatbush but not for the "enlightened"....
Herein lies the tragedy. It is not just that they are sinning against Hashem, the Torah, their tradition and their own belief system, rendering their lives internal contradictions [Shabbos, Kashrus, fooling around with boys etc. etc.]. It is much more than that. When a person wears shatnez or tells a lie they are also sinning against Hashem, the Torah etc. etc. Here what is happening is more than that. An otherwise respectable human being, a Bas Yisrael, with an intellect, a well developed emotional world [we hope], and a soul, is willingly engaging in behavior that totally cheapens her. Does she not understand this? Does she want to be cheap? In a way, it is worse that a zonah. A zonah at least is able to eat and survive from cheapening herself. But a girl does it very often just to get a boy to like her or for a few moments of pleasure [which wouldn't be pleasurable if she understood how much the boy was using her]. Doesn't it hurt her to completely shatter her sense of personal dignity??
Of course it does.
I once heard an interview with a psychologist [or psychiatrist - I can't remember] at a major college campus [I believe that it was UCLA, she happened to have been Jewish and maybe even frum] who spoke about the very high incidences of depression among college students, particularly girls [in general, women are more prone to depression than men]. One of the main causes was that a girl goes to bed with a boy at night. The next day he sees her in the chemistry lab or in the cafeteria and pretends that he doesn't even know her!! Why should he? He got what he wanted and now has no use for her רח"ל [reminds one of the story of Amnon and Tamar]. Experiences like that, send these sensitive young ladies into the throes of depression.
So my plea is as follows - Maintain your dignity, men and women, boys and girls. Control yourself. "Restraint" is our human mandate. Overcome your base urges. Don't do things that are morally repugnant in order to find favor in someone's eyes. It won't work anyway. Follow your pure, G-d given conscience and sense of propriety together with our hallowed tradition. You will feel better about yourself and make this CRAZZZZZY world a better place.
This applies not only to sexually charged physical contact רח"ל but also to what one reads, watches and even how one eats and other areas of life.
ישמע חכם ויסף לקח!
It is an avodah but it is for avodah that we were placed here on earth...
