Is there is problem of spousal abuse in the frum community?
Let's see:
If one forces unwanted sexual contact on a spouse then one can call the police and have the spouse arrested. That is abuse.
If one denies the spouse physical affection then one cannot call the police. But that is ALSO a form or abuse.
If one hits a spouse then the victim can call the police and have the spouse arrested. That is abuse.
If one is verbally abusive or excessively cold [including the famous "silent treatment"] then one cannot call the police. But that is ALSO a form of abuse.
There are MANY forms of abuse that are not illegal but are very immoral and evil. The reason that there are more men in jail for spousal abuse than women is not necessarily because men are more abusive but b/c the types of abuse that men inflict are [there are many great things about masculinity - one is that men are protectors. But some use this masculine power to harm and not protect] against the law whereas the types of abuse women inflict are legal, but no less harmful and from a standpoint of Halacha - no less forbidden.
Mussar Haskel: Beware that you don't inflict subtle but insidious abuse on your abuse. Nobody in the outside world will know and people think that they can get away with it but Hashem runs the world and judgment day comes for all. According to the Mekubalim - the judgment STARTS with how one treats a spouse.
And if you are the victim of such abuse then remember not to blame yourself [even though as part of the abuse the spouse will try to convince you that you are the problem]. It is the other person living their issues through you. It has ZERO to do with you. [Unless of course you are at fault which is sometimes the case].
Hashem arranges all marriages according to what we need for our tikkun in this world. Some get a great, loving, nurturing spouse. Some get the oppsite. And most of us - somewhere in between.
We can't control our spouse or their behavior. Only our reactions. [Hat tip - Viktor Frankel!] If a person always maintains the proper behavior then they have lived the Good Life. We are not here to *have fun* [in לשון הקודש there is no word for fun] but to follow in the path of Hashem by perfecting our middos and keeping His mitzvos.
So to return to the question we started with. Is there a problem of spousal abuse in the frum community? Well, not like the בני חם or בני ישמעאל often do it. But as for the subtle type - there is lots of it. We can work on our marriages and be part of the solution.
And while on that note: There is also quite a bit of child abuse if we define child abuse not as what is strictly a legal offense and grounds for arrest but a much more subtle type that we inflict [often unknowingly] because of the unattended to emotional baggage we ALL carry.
