A. In order to change, you need to find specific techniques that are
appropriate for your unique personality and situation. The exact needs of
each individual are different and therefore if you are sincere about
improving yourself, you must give the matter much thought in order to
find ideas that you will be able to utilize for self-improvement. {Toras
Avraham, p. 410)
B. The Rambam offered the following advice on how to acquire positive
character traits so that they become part of your personality: “Perform,
again and again, the behavior you wish to acquire as part of your
personality, until it becomes automatic for you to act in that manner.”
(Hilchos Daios 1: 7)
Rabbi Yaakov Yitzchok, known as the Yehudi Hakodosh, said, “A
person who finds it difficult to do acts of kindness should accustom
himself to help others by degrees.” At first he should go out of his way to
give others small gifts. Little kindnesses like
this will get you into the habit of helping others and you will be able to
continue doing ever larger acts of kindness. {Niflaos Hayehudi, p. 58)
C. The Rambam wrote: “Behave in a manner that is at the opposite
extreme of your fault, until you are able to behave in the middle path. For
example, if you have a bad temper, completely ignore all insults until you
no longer feel anger when insulted. If you are arrogant, behave in an
extremely humble manner until you no longer feel conceited, and then you
can behave in a moderate manner.” {Hilchos Daios 2: 2)
A person was put into the world to break his natural tendency towards
having negative character traits. If you have a natural tendency to be
stubborn, be resolved for the next forty days to do the opposite of what
you would like to do. If you are lazy, for the next forty days do everything
as fast as possible. For example, do not procrastinate when it is time to go
to sleep, and get out of bed on time in the morning. If you are shy and
embarrassed in the presence of others, pray and study in a very loud tone
of voice. (Tzetel Katan of Rav Elimelech, no. 16)
D. If you lack inner drive and zeal, a technique that will generate the
inner feelings is to behave externally “as if” you already felt enthusiastic.
Your external actions have an effect on your inner feelings. You have more
control over your actions than you do over your emotions. If you utilize
that which you do have control over, you will eventually acquire control
over that which is not presently as much in your power. {Mesilas
Yeshorim, ch. 7)
E. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter strongly advised his students to keep a
personal list of sayings from the Sages that had a positive effect on them.
This list should be reviewed frequently to serve as a constant reminder.
{Chayai Hamussar, vol. 2, p. 154)
Rabbi Salanter also stated that if you want to change yourself in a
certain area, take one statement and repeat it to yourself over and over
again. When you repeatedly think about something, those thoughts enter
the depth of your mind and have a strong effect. Even if you do not add
any novel ideas to the concepts you arc repeating, you will have a much
greater internalization of those ideas and they will change you. {Michtav
MaiEliyahu, vol. 1, pp. 260-1)
F. One powerful motivator that will help you keep your resolutions is
publicizing them to your friends and relatives. For example, you can tell
c\׳eryone you know that you are working on your tendency to get angry.
By telling others that you are trying to overcome some negative habit, you
will have social pressure to keep your resolution. Really, we should try to
overcome our need for approval, and do what is right because it is right
without any ulterior motive. But to keep your resolutions, use any means
that are available, until you are able to break your bad habits on your own.
(Erech Apayim, p. 73)
G. When you feel motivated to do a good deed, you might feel
overwhelmed. ‘‘How can I keep doing this for a long period of time?" you
ask yourself. "True, I wouldn't mind doing this only once or for a short
period of time, but I do not want to make a long term commitment.”
The solution to this problem is to tell yourself, “Just this time. Till I do
it, or - Only for a short period of time." Later, you can reconsider and
make a decision to continue, but at least initially you won't feel an
overwhelming burden. {Michtav MaiEliyahu, vol. 3, p. 293)
H. One of the strongest motivating factors for good behavior is for a
person to realize that this might be his last day. Anyone can act kindly
towards others when he knows that this will be the last day of his life.
Anyone can improve his behavior and do good deeds on the day he is to
die. Therefore, a useful tool for self-improvement is to keep repeating the
statement: “Correct yourself the day before you die.’’ Repeat this over and
over, even without trying to gain intellectual insight. By repeating this
frequently enough a person will be able to feel emotionally the reality of
his death and will easily be able to have the necessary strength for
improving himself before he loses the opportunity to do so. (Rabbi
Yeruchem Levovitz: Daas Chochmah Umussar, voL 1, p. 114)
I. When you work on various aspects of your behavior, it is wise to do
so with a close friend. Tell him which areas and which behaviors you arc
trying to improve and ask him to point out any mistakes on your part,
(Erech Apayim, p. 78)
]. Visualize yourself acting the way you wish to become. In your mind
practice the behaviors you presently find difficult. Keep repeating this
over and over again until it becomes part of you. When you practice
something mentally with vivid ׳ imagery, it is almost like actually
experiencing it, and this can have a profound effect on your behavior, (see
Yesod Veshoresh Hoavodah 1:11)
K. If you want to change your behavior, it is not sufficient to merely
make resolutions. Rather, rearrange your environment in such a way that
you will be forced to change. (Michtav MaiEliyahu, vol. 3, p. 293)
L. At times, the best way to work on improving a specific negative trait
is to be aware of an opposite positive trait that you can work on improving
and, in this way, the negative trait will be dealt with automatically. For
example, if a person has a tendency towards cruelty, it might be difficult
for him to work on it directly. But he can work on gaining more
compassion and mercy for other people (he can go out of his way to take
care of sick or injured people, etc.) and by doing so he will no longer be as
cruel. (Divrai Yehoshua 2: 4)
M. When you strongly dislike something, you will not do it. On the
other hand, when you enjoy doing something, you will want to do it as
frequently as possible. While this is obvious to everyone, not everyone is
aware that we have the ability to consciously develop a hatred for those
things we wish to avoid and to develop a love for those things we wish to
do. For example, you can keep repeating to yourself that you hate and
despise talking, negatively against other people. If you repeat this often
enough, you will actually hate speaking loshon hora. Conversely, you can
keep repeating to yourself that you strongly desire to do acts of kindness
for others until you build up a compulsion for chesed. (Rabbi Shmuel
Houminer; Aitzah Vesoshlyah)
N. The way to work on each personality trait depends on the particular
trait. There arc traits you need to work on by changing your attitudes and
thoughts.- Other traits will be changed by working on behaviors and
actions. Yet other traits need to be worked on by both actions and
thoughts. But even here in certain situations you will need to work on
behaviors before thoughts and in other situations the thoughts conne
before the behavior. (Toras Avraham, p. 393)
To illustrate this point, wc will discuss two midos which have very
negative consequences: arrogance and lust. The way for a person to
improve in both of these areas is different. The way to overcome arrogance
and to acquire humility is through challenging your previous way of
thinking. Give much thought to your lack of intellect and paucity of
abilities. The behaviors to work on arc to be patient and tolerant with
others and to run away from receiving honor. The order here is definitely
to work first on thoughts and only then to work on the external behaviors
which manifest humility. If, however, a person will only try to act like
someone who is humble but will not change his inner attitude, he will be a
hypocrite and will completely lack the attribute of humility. But as regards
lust, the first step is to work on changing behavior. As the Mesilas
Yeshorim elaborates, a person should make fences and resolutions for
himself to control his physical desires, A person should also work on his
attitudes to sec how wasteful and potentially dangerous it is to go after
one s desires. In this case, the challenging of his previous attitudes is a
means to make it easier for him to work on his behavior, (ibid., pp. 393-4)
R' Pliskin
