1. See the virtues of other people.
A. Focus on the virtues of all the people you meet and honor them for
those virtues. (Ohr Yechezkail michtavim, p. 195).
Work on mastering the habit of speaking well of everyone and
everything you can. [Tomer Dvorah, ch. 2)
B. As soon as you start thinking about someone’s faults, make a
concerted effort to immediately think of the person’s virtues. Try to
visualize his good qualities and the good things he has done. This, is
especially important to do when you become angry at someone, or if you
are beginning to become involved in a quarrel. (Rabbi Reuven Dov Dessler:
Tnuas Hamussar, vol. 5, p. 180)
C. One of the reasons why it is forbidden to speak derogatorily about
others is that derogatory speech manifests a lack of awareness on your
part of the virtues and positive aspects of the person you are speaking
against. If you were aware of his positive points, you would not focus on
his faults. (Ohr Yohail vol. 3, p. 121)
D. If you constantly look at the faults of others, you will overlook
opportunities to focus on the good to be found in those people. By
focusing on their virtues you will be able to use them as models that will
enable you to improve yourself. (Rabbi Yitzchok Blaser, Kochvai Ohr,
p. 156)
E. Train yourself to find even the most minor good qualities and virtues
in other people. (Cheshbon Hanefesh, no. 89)
Even if someone has many faults, find the good in that person.
(Chochmah Umussar, vol. 2, p. 195)
Rabbi Gershon Henoch of Radzin used to say that even when someone
finds fault with another person, those listening often have the ability to
focus on some good point. For example, if someone complains that a
certain person talks when the chazon repeats the shmoneh esraih, we can
imply that the person attends the synagogue. (Otzer Pisgamim Vesichos,
vol. 2, p. 11)
F. The way to overcome a fault is to make an effort to behave in the
opposite manner. Therefore, if you have the habit of looking at the faults
of people you come into contact with, go out of your way to find virtues in
each and every person you meet. “This person accomplished such and
such.” “That person overcame a very great difficulty.“ Similarly, w׳hcn
someone relates a Torah thought to you, try to find some aspect of it that
you can admire. {Maarchai Laiv, p. 91)
G. A certain pious person was walking with his students and they
passed by a dead dog that gave off a very bad odor. The students
commented, “How awful is the smell of this animal.“ The pious person,
however, observed, “How white are its teeth.“ When they heard this
remark, they regretted having spoken negatively about what they saw. The
righteous person wanted to teach them that it is improper to speak
negatively about even a dead dog, all the more so is it wrong to speak
negatively about a live human being. Moreover, since it is a good trait to
praise even a dead dog for its positive attributes such as its white teeth, all
the more so is it an obligation to praise people for their positive attributes.
The teacher wanted to train his students that it should become their very
nature to focus on the positive and not to speak negatively. {Chovos
Halvovos 6; 6)
H. A wise man was once asked, “How did you become a master over
your entire generation.^“ He replied, “Because I have never met a person in
whom 1 did not see virtues greater than my own. If 1 saw a person who was
wiser than me, I used to say that he fears the Almighty more than 1 do
since he has greater wisdom. If someone had less wisdom than I did, I
would say that his offenses are not as severe as my own since he lacks the
level of awareness that 1 have. If he was older than me, I said that his
merits are more numerous than my own because he had more time to do
more good. If he was younger than me, I would say that his transgressions
are fewer than my own. If he was my equal in wisdom and in age, I would
say that perhaps his thoughts were more elevated than my own. If he was
wealthier than me, I would say that he has given more charity and has
helped more people than me. If he was poorer than me, I would say that he
has more humility than I because of his poverty. I therefore would show
honor and respect to each person I ever met.” (Chovos Halvovos 6: 10)
2. Focus on your own faults, not the faults of others.
A. If you keep focusing on the faults of other people and seeking out
their negative traits, it will prevent you from noticing your own faults.
What you really need most is to discover your own mistakes and
ommissions, for this will enable you to improve yourself. With physical
illnesses a person will be more aware of his own illness and will try to cure
himself, rather than noticing other people’s illnesses. This should be our
attitude towards our spiritual deficiencies. (Chovos Halvovos 5: 5)
Rabbi Yisroel Salanter said that he went through three stages in his life.
“When I first started studying mussar/^ said Rav Yisroel, “I began to find
fault with the entire world and judged myself favorably. Afterwards, I also
found fault with myself. Eventually, I learned to judge others favorably
and found fault only with myself.” {Nachalas Yosef, Torah, pp. 114-5)
B. A wise man said, “There is nothing easier in the world than finding
faults in other people and there is nothing more difficult than recognizing
one’s own faults.” {Pele Yoatz: zilzul)
It is easier to find one thousand faults in your friend than to find one
fault of your own. {Keser Chochmah 11:23)
C. The Baal Shem Tov used to say that just as when we look into a
mirror it reflects back an image of ourselves, so too whenever we see
someone else’s faults we should realize that we too have some aspect of
that fault. {Keser Shem Tov, 14a)
D. A person came to a wise man and told him that a certain person has
such and such faults. The wise man retorted, “Now you have revealed to
me your own faults. A person does not see the faults of others unless he
himself has them.” (Maiam Loez: Pirke Avos 4: 1)
£. If a person has faulty character traits, whenever he learns more
wisdom he will consider himself to be wise and as knowing all that there is
to know. Because of this, all that he learns is poison for him. He will try to
impress others that he is very wise and will prematurely render decisions
on matters about which he is unqualified. Whenever he studies mussar, he
will use that information to seek out the faults of others. While the goal
of studying mussar is to find and correct one’s own faults, such a person
will focus only on the faults of others and not on his own. {Chochmah
Umussar, vol. 2, p. 262)
F. We have the ability to master the habit of thinking about the good
qualities of others and of overlooking their faults. We should think about
our own faults and how we have to work on trying to correct them. When
we try to improve our own behavior and traits, we will not focus on the
faults of others. {Maaneh Rach, ch. 13)
G. Whenever you see a fault in another person, instead of wasting tinie
condemning him, focus on yourself. Try to find ways to prevent yourself
from having the same fault. Such is the behavior of a person who works
on self-improvement. (Alai Shur, p. 137)
How much time do you spend thinking about the faults of others?
Wouldn’t it be much more productive to spend that time on thinking of
ways to improve yourself? Develop the habit of asking yourself, “In what
ways do I have that fault?” whenever you notice a fault in others.
3. Do not blame other people for your mistakes and faults.
A. Frequently people complain about the environment in which they
find themselves and blame other people for their personal failings. They
mistakenly think that if only they would be able to change their
environment, their problems will be solved. But in many instances the core
of the person’s problems are within himself, and the way to correct his
situation is to improve himself. (Rabbi Yosef Leib Bloch; Shiurai Daas,
vol. 3, p. 50)
6. When a wise man makes a mistake, he blames himself. When a fool
makes a mistake, he blames others. (Chayai Hamussar, vol. 1, p. 72)
C. People have a tendency to blame others for their faults, but they
take credit for their own virtues. It is much more beneficial to give credit
to others for your virtues so that you will not become arrogant, and to
take personal responsibility for your faults, so that you will try to correct
them. (Rabbi D. Budnick; Chayai Hamussar, vol. 2, p. 207)
D. When you do something wrong and blame someone else for causing
you to do it, you will not do anything to improve yourself and are very
likely to repeat those same mistakes time and again. Only if you take the
responsibility for your mistakes will you try to improve. (Hegyonai
Mussar, vol. 3, p. 12)
Even if someone else was involved, keep your focus on what you
personally have to do to prevent another occurrence of your mistakes. You
won’t gain anything by blaming someone and telling him, “It was all your
fault.” Ask yourself, “What can 1 personally do to prevent a reoccurrence
of that error?”
E. When you have failed in something, it is very easy to place the blame
on others. But a wise person will have the courage to accept the
responsibility for his failures. The benefit of taking this responsibility is
that you will learn to be careful not to make the same mistakes in the
future. (Alai Shur, p. 164)
F. A basic Torah principle is that we have free will. We have the
responsibility for our own lives and it rests upon us to work on ourselves.
Once we accept this attitude, we will refrain from placing the blame for
any of our faults on anyone else. Some people have a tendency to make
statements such as, “My parents are such and such, and it’s their fault
that I...” or “My teachers are to blame.” or “My environment caused me
to have these negative traits,” These types of rationalizations are entirely
unacceptable. It is up to you to decide how you will behave in any given
situation and it is dishonest to justify your conduct by blaming others.
(Toras Hanefesh, P- 45)
G. People frequently blame others when they themselves are really at
fault. Often, it is not that they intend to lie, but they have a strong
tendency to avoid focusing on their own responsibility in doing something
wrong. If someone suggested that you do something improper and you
listened to him, it is your own fault that you did that action. You could
have withstood the pressure and refrained from that behavior, (Toras
Hanefesh. p. 100)
4. Learn to overlook the faults of others.
A. The Chazon Ish wrote: A person who reaches an elevated level of
loving humanity will be concerned only that he docs not harm or slight
others. He will be ready in advance to accept any insults or slights from
others. He knows that most people have not perfected their character
traits and should not be blamed. An elevated person will work on
mastering two opposite approaches. He will try to find all of his own
faults, even the most minute. But at the same time he will overlook the
faults of others, even if they are very noticeable. Such a person will not
have to work on controlling himself not to get angry or feel pain from
someone’s insults. He is so elevated that such things will not affect him.
(Emunah Ubitochon 1:11)
B. “Is it forbidden to tell someone the truth?” someone who had a
tendency to constantly point out faults to other people asked the Chazon
Ish.
“It is definitely forbidden!” the Chazon Ish replied. “Except for special
situations when it is forbidden to remain silent, we should not criticize
others for their personality and mannerisms if they do not ask us for our
opinion and we do not think that the person will actually do something to
improve himself. Even when we feel the person will try to improve, we
must be very careful not to tell him more than he will be able to accept and
apply." (P'air Hador, vol. 4, p. 162)
C. A righteous person will have many virtues and good points, but he
will inevitably also have a few faults. An evil person will focus only on the
faults of the righteous. (Chochmah Umussar, vol, 2, p. 253)
D. If someone has done for you both good and negative things, when
you think about the person try to forget about the wrongs that he has
done and keep your focus on the good that he has done for you. Do not say
to yourself, “True he might have done good things, but he also has done
some bad towards me, therefore he is a totally bad person.” Rather,
always keep the good that he has done before your eyes, and try to forget
about the bad to the extent that you are able. {Tomer Dvorah, ch. 1)
E. It frequently happens that when someone has done many, many
favors for another person and once does something against him, the
person forgets all the good, and feels animosity for that one wrong thing.
It seems to him as if the person constantly did only bad. However, the
proper attitude to take towards others is that even if they have done only
one good thing for us and a thousand wrongs, we should try to forget all
the wrongs and try to remember the good. [Mussray Rabainu Yonoson,
P- 69)
F. There is an old Jewish saying that one who looks for a friend without
faults will have no friends. Everyone has faults. Unless you learn to overlook
the faults of others that you cannot change, you will have difficulties in
dealing with people.
G. If you dislike someone, you have a special obligation to try to avoid
seeing his faults and mistakes. When you dislike a person, you are likely to
feel happy when he does wrong. Even if you admonish him, you are likely
to shame him, since your main intention will probably be to cause him to
feel bad. (Dubner Magid: Sefer Hamidos: shaar hasinah, ch. 4)
H. The Chofetz Chayim used to say, “When a poor person comes to
you for aid do not start looking for faults in him in order to rationalize
your refusal to help him out. Just as you take care of your own family even
though they have faults, so too you should help others even though they
are not perfect.” (Hachofetz Chayim, vol. 3, p. 953)
I. When someone has worked on self-improvement, do not focus on
what is still wrong with hirn. Rather, make an effort to appreciate even a
small amount of improvement on his part. Appreciate how difficult it was
for him to achieve what he has already achieved. (Ahavas Maishorim,
p.33)
J. At times you might see a person who has worked on self-
improvement and see that he still has many faults. You might think that
he wasted his time and all his studies about values and ethics were for
nought. This is not so. Rabbi Simcha Zissel of Kelm once said about a
student of his, if this person would not have worked on self-
improvement, it is likely he would have been a murderer. True, the
person might be very far from where he should be, but he is still much
better than if he did not try to improve. [Imrai Binah, p. 132]
5. Benefits of not finding fault with others.
A. A person’s constantly finding faults with others and noticing their
blemishes manifests a major fault of that person himself. A person who is
truly an honorable person will focus on the good qualities of others rather
than on what is wrong with them. Through this means he will learn from
every person he meets, since he will always find virtues he can emulate.
(Mussar Hatorah, p. 97)
B. People do not want to be the only one to do something that is
improper. Hence if you do not focus on the faults of others and instead
judge everyone else favorably, you will be careful not to do what is
improper. (Bayis Neaman, p. 10)
C. A person who docs not complain about other people will be
cherished in everyone’s eyes. (Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, Sefer Hamidos.
Kaas, no, 18)
D. Some people have the very negative trait of constantly finding fault
with others and complaining about them. They point out every minor
offense of others even if it was unintentional. They will always judge
others unfavorably. A person afflicted with this trait will not have close
friends since people will avoid his company. (Maaneh Rach, ch. 21)
E. You will only be able to learn from a teacher if you judge him
favorably, otherwise you will keep finding fault with him. (Rabbi Chayim
of Volozhin; Ruach Chayim 1:6)
Since everyone has some faults, if you will search for the faults of your
potential teachers, you will never learn from anyone. If your main goal is
to improve yourself, you will try to gain from everyone, regardless of their
personal shortcomings.
F. In classroom situations and in private discussions it is important for
a teacher to look for what is right in what a student says rather than what
is wrong. While mistakes do need to be corrected, the students will gain a
love for both their studies and for their teacher if the teacher will
constantly focus on what is correct with what his students have said.
(Imrai Haskail p. 56)
R' Pliskin
