Drowning In Cortisol

 The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally.

You begin to realize that the way someone treats you is shaped by their relationship with themselves-their self-awareness, their emotional capacity, and their nervous system state.

You learn that someone's capacity to meet you has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with their own.

That shift in perspective is often described as the "emotional holy grail." It’s the moment you stop being a character in everyone else's drama and start becoming the observer of your own life.

When we lack emotional intelligence (EQ), we tend to view the world through a narcissistic filter—not in the clinical sense, but in the sense that we believe everything people do is a direct reaction to us. If they’re short with us, we’re "annoying." If they don't call, we’re "unimportant."

Expanding on your insight, here is how that internal shift actually functions:

1. The Mirror Effect

Most people aren't reacting to you; they are reacting to the version of you that exists in their head, filtered through their own past traumas and biases.

Projection: A person who is deeply self-critical will often find flaws in others to alleviate their own internal pressure.

The "Capacity" Cap: You cannot pour a gallon of water into a pint-sized glass. Similarly, you cannot expect emotional depth from someone who hasn't done the work to understand their own shallow waters.

2. The Nervous System as a Filter

Emotional intelligence includes a physical understanding of the human body. When someone snaps or withdraws, an emotionally intelligent person recognizes a dysregulated nervous system.

If someone is in "Fight or Flight," their prefrontal cortex (the logical part of the brain) is essentially offline.

The Realization: You aren't arguing with a person; you’re interacting with a stress response. It’s hard to take an insult personally when you realize the other person is simply drowning in cortisol.

3. Decoupling Value from Validation

The most profound part of your statement is the decoupling of Value from Capacity.

Perspective	Low EQ Reaction	High EQ Realization
Unreturned Text	"I'm not a priority to them."	"They are likely overwhelmed or disorganized."
Harsh Criticism	"I am incompetent."	"They have a high need for control or a low tolerance for mistakes."
Emotional Coldness	"I am unlovable."	"They have limited access to their own vulnerability."

The Freedom of "It's Not About Me"

Taking things personally is a heavy burden; it requires you to constantly defend your worth. When you realize that someone’s behavior is a map of their own internal world, you stop trying to "fix" their perception of you. You realize that you could be the most perfect version of yourself, and someone with a distorted lens would still see a distorted image.

The Insight: Peace isn't found in changing how others treat you; it’s found in changing what their treatment means to you.

Emotional intelligence creates a kind of psychological distance that allows us to observe behavior rather than absorb it. When we understand that responses are often driven by someone’s internal regulation, insight, and coping capacity, it becomes easier to remain grounded and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively. That shift protects both our self-worth and the quality of our interactions.