I read an article by a therapist about the issue of הוצאת ז"ל [masturbation] among religious boys. She says that they often feel dirty and disgusting because of their behavior. But, she argues, it is only natural. It is natural for a boy to get aroused and spill his seed. It is natural for a boy to be attracted to women. It is unhealthy and wrong to make them feel guilty. These are her assertions.
My response:
It is natural for many people when they get angry to punch the source of their anger.
It is natural for many people to curse at people who have wronged them.
It is natural to urinate in the middle of the street. As Annie said in the famous Broadway Show/Movie - "When you gotta go - you gotta go". To "hold it in" is unnatural.
It is natural to sleep until 12 or one in the afternoon. Try not setting your alarm [please don't] and see where it takes you. [Full disclosure - I can't sleep that long but I know many who can]. My elevator man in the city once said to me "you are on vacation so you can sleep till 2". At first I was taken aback - didn't he ever hear of sof zman kriyas shma? But then I realized to my horror that he hadn't...
It is natural for a married man to cheat on his wife. Very natural. If there would be no religious or moral prohibitions and one's wife would agree [or not find out] and there would be no guilt feelings - every married man would do so. Constantly. If it were a mitzva it would be the most popular mitzva in the Torah. Even more than eating on Shabbos and Yuntiv [which is presently in first place or very close].
It is natural to be selfish and think of himself even if others would suffer as a result.
Ahhhhhhhhh - natural.
WE WERE NOT CREATED TO BE NATURAL!!!!
We were created to be HOLY. קדושים תהיו.
Our task is to constantly overcome our natural instincts and do what is pure and holy. We are supposed to elevate ourselves to the extent that OUR NATURE becomes holy. [I learned that from the Sfas Emes and Reb Yeruchem Levovitz ztz"l].
If people fall in areas of שמירת הברית then we CAN'T say to them "You are the MANNNN!! Keep it up. You like pornography? Enjoy. You are not alone. There are millions like you enjoying at this very moment. You feel a need to masturbate - c'mon, everybody does it. Drop those guilt feelings. You aren't hurting everybody. You enjoy having sexual fantasies? Great. You are male. Feel your maleness. It is your nature and don't feel bad".
CHAAAAAAASSSS VIIII-SHAAALOOOMMMM:-).
What we CAN say is that "I love you. Hashem loves you. Your mother loves you. It is a big battle. Sometimes you win - sometimes you don't. The most important thing is to keep battling and not to get depressed. Depression leads to all of the sins of the Torah and is flat out dangerous. So do everything you can to keep your spirits high. You CAN control yourself. Many people do. It can be done. What happened in the past can be fixed with teshuva out of love and the future can be different. You can change your habits. Let us think of some strategies...." Then you can talk about it.
Guilt is healthy. Without guilt the world would look infinitely worse than it already does [and it looks QUITE BAD]. We are wired to feel guilty when we sin for a GOOD REASON. And no therapist is going to change the reality that there is such a thing called "sin".
So bottom line - No depression, no excessive guilt, yes simcha and yes kedusha. Living a life when one's core values are being actualized makes one VERY happy. Not DESPITE the fact that he transcends his nature but BECAUSE he transcends his nature. It is SWEET to want to look at a pretty girl walking by and to look away. It is SWEET to want to eat a cookie and to say "now I will exercise self control" and to not eat it. It is SWEET to overcome one's fatigue and to get out of bed and daven like a lion. A person must constantly remind himself how great he is for doing what is right. If after a month of not being מוציא ז"ל he falls then he should remind himself that for a WHOLE MONTH he controlled himself. That means a LOT. Not to focus on the failing but on all of the successes. And the very fact that he feels guilty is a sign of a healthy soul. A healthy soul feel guilty when a sin is committed. That is what preserves our souls and society at large.
