We are starting Shovevim this week. Shovevim is a time when the Mekubalim teach us that we can fix sins of sexual impurity - THE test of our generation.
I once spoke to a boy who came from a frum, Charedi family [father learns full time, mother super farfrumpt etc. The whole nine yards] and went off the derech. He told me that ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of his formerly Charedi friends who had gone OTD to differing degrees are פרוץ בעריות [sexual impropriety] - either הוצאת זרע לבטלה, looking at content of a sexual nature [with the Internet one is never more than a click or two away], inappropriate contact with girls etc. etc.
Why is that?? OK - He is not frum so he doesn't daven or learn anymore. But why does he NECESSARILY descend to the depths of depravity [even looking at women who are dressed in a provocative manner is "the depths of depravity" according to the Torah]? Let him change his clothing, cut his peyos off, go to university and become a mechubedike mensch? A doctor, a lawyer, an accountant - SOMETHING?? No. First - he breaks the Halachos designed to help a person control his sexual urges. Then he gets to the other aveiros.
Why?
This is deep and I offer a preliminary analysis.
The strongest urge in man is the sexual urge. We all need to breathe but nobody lies in bed at night and fantasizes about breathing. We all need to eat but when we are not eating and not hungry we don't think much of food. But the average man thinks about sex - according to one study - 19 times a day. [I think that it is much much more]. When a man sees an attractive woman he will not necessarily think about being in bed with her but he will be attracted to her in one-fifth of a second of seeing her. This attraction is sexual and if you would ask the man "would you like to sleep with her if she was willing, you could get away with it and you wouldn't feel guilty?" The answer would be yes. This happens dozens of times a day. The need for sexual satisfaction is far more than being a purely physical and animalistic desire but serves very, very deep emotional needs. The is an obligation of עונה in the Torah b/c the Torah understood that a woman has emotional needs that are fulfilled w/ relations and thus obligates a man to fill these needs. [Chazal tell us that a woman is likewise obligated in עונה in order to fulfill her husband's needs - ואכמ"ל].
When a person is spiritually fulfilled - he has much less of a need for sexual fulfillment. He loves to daven, learn, has fulfilling relationships with his family and male friends etc. etc. He has urges but they are less pressing b/c he is fulfilled in life. Once a boy [or girl] goes off the derech, they create a vacuum. They are EMPTY!! והבור ריק אין בו מים - The pit is empty and lacks water. Water is Torah. The pit must be filled with SOMETHING. If there is no Torah, instead there will be [as Chazal tell us regarding the pit Yosef was cast into] snakes and scorpions. That is a reality. Either Torah or snakes and scorpions. Man cannot live in a vacuum. He has to fill his emptiness with something. That explains the prevalence of drug and alcohol abuse. A person feels empty and thinks he will fill this emptiness with foreign substances. It doesn't work. It might temporarily dull his emotional pain but in the long term destroys him. Teenagers think that if they watch shmutz on the Internet, somehow they will feel better and be happier. Happy, fulfilled people [generally] don't watch pornography. It is not a fulfilling activity.
Why do men [in the millions and millions] have affairs? Why don't they have affairs with their own wives? This way - they won't have to hide it, won't feel guilty and also won't end up losing their house, tons of money and children?? The answer is that there is a lacuna, a lacking, an emptiness in their relationship with their wives. So they think they will fill that with an illicit relationship. Bad move.
The answer for a Jew is to fill that pit with water. Find the sweetness in learning, davening and chesed. Develop deep relationships with people and with Hashem. If one has no geshmak in his Avodas Hashem, he will find alternative, unhealthy and forbidden behaviors to fill the void.
