Tug Of War

Many relationships turn into a tug of war where each side is "tugging" in order to get their needs fulfilled. People do this, I believe, because by nature we are selfish beings. We need to be in order to survive. If we wouldn't care so much about ourselves we wouldn't do the things necessary to live meaningful and fulfilling lives. However the down side is that when it comes to another person we often are so focused on our own needs that we forget that the other person's needs are no less important. In this tug of war there are no winners, only losers.

There is a chasidic concept called "bitul". If practiced the geulah, both personal and national, would come. It means [on the interpersonal plane] that one nullifies his own needs on behalf of someone else. One wakes up in the morning and says to himself, "What can I do today to make my wife [or future wife] happy? What does she like? Flowers? A phone call during the day? Something else?" If not sure one asks "Sara-Rivka-Rochel-Leah-Chana-Roiza-Shulamis-Bracha, my wife with many names, what can I do to make you happy???" One stops thinking "Boy is she needy-annoying-clingy-demanding" and instead thinks "What an opportunity to make another human being a little bit happier!"

After practicing this consistently he will find that his significant other will be THRILLED to fulfill his own needs because that is what she really wants to do in the first place. So his initial motivation is NOT to get what he wants but it is the inevitable result of his behavior.

In English we have a word for this. It's called "relationship".

Try to have one today.

:-)