I would like to make a confession and talk a bit about confession:
My confession - I feel inadequate. Not that I have low self esteem. I feel very good about myself. For the most part. But I almost always feel inadequate in my dealings with others. I often feel that I didn't say the right thing, do the right thing, do enough etc. Others confirm this and I have found that people are sometimes disappointed with me - which makes me feel yet worse. Even when they are not, since people will rarely say anything, I often wonder and suspect that I disappointed them. That is in my dealings with others. When it comes to my dealings with Hashem I certainly feel inadequate. I waste too much time, I don't learn enough, daven well enough etc. etc.
That is my public confession.
Confession in general: The GREAT thing abt. vidui, confession, is that it allows us to feel AWE-SOME about feeling inadequate. If we feel that we are perfect beings, that we always do things as we should, then the whole thing is a farce. We don't want THAT!
There used to be a popular book "I'm OK You're OK". I have another title: "I'm NOT OK And That's OK!!! OK??"
Politicians spend a lot of time and effort convincing people of their near infallibility. In public discourse, the finger is almost always pointed elsewhere. It is Trump's fault, Cuomo's fault, DeBlasio's fault, the Democrat's fault, China's fault, white people's fault, black people's fault, the list goes on. BLAME BLAME BLAME. This is bad chinuch for us. אחת בשנה [the Torah term for Yom Kippur] - once a year, we have a GREAT opportunity. It is MYYYYYYYYY FAULT. ELCHONON BEN HENNA MIRIAM BAS ALTA CHANA! That guy. The bearded-skinny-jokester from Manhattan-Jerusalem-Givat-Zev. And that is PER-FECT. Exactly as it is supposed to be. It feels SUPER to be a LOSER. ICH BIN A LUUUUUUUZERRRRRR - AND PROUD OF IT!!!
That is CLEANSING!
Of course, I will try to be better this year. I will try to daven with more kavana, get into learning, stop speaking dvarim bteilim, be a better son-husband-father-friend. Less narcissism, more love for others. SO MUCH TO IMPROVE ON!!! But in the meantime, I REJOICE in acknowledging my inadequacies in ALL areas. THAT is the avodas ha-yom. To feel GREAT about how much we are falling short of our potential. The Mishna says that the BEST day of the year is Yom Kippur. Not Purim. Not Succos. Not Super Bowl Sunday or my birthday. The somber Yom Kippur is the BEST [w/ Tu b'av] day of the year.
So let us celebrate our failings [with a lot of OOOOYYYYY coupled with JOOYYY] and then get to the business of rectifying them.
Much love,
In all inadequacy, shortcoming and failure,
Me😊
