In Parshat Vayishlach, we read about the embittered encounter between Yaakov and Esav. In the very dramatic scenes of the parsha - as we watch Yaakov both mentally and physically prepare himself for the upcoming battle with his brother - we learn a timeless lesson both about how to view ourselves and how to relate to Hashem during moments of uncertainty and fear.

In the past few parshiot, Yaakov demonstrates his unwavering faith in the face of the many struggles that he has to overcome. He fearlessly tricked his father, stole the bracha from his brother, and ran away from the house of Lavan. It is surprising then that we find Yaakov in the beginning of our parsha, to suddenly be in a panic as he readies himself to face his brother, Esav. The Torah tells us:

Vayar Yaakov meod vayetzer lo

Yaakov became very frightened and was distressed (32:8)

How can we understand Yaakov’s sudden fear? Can this fear be considered a lack of faith – did he no longer trust wholeheartedly that Hashem was going to protect as He had over the past years he was on the run? To answer this question we must understand the reason Yaakov is so fearful about his imminent meeting with Esav. Yaakov says:

I am unworthy of the least of all the mercies and of all the truth, which You have shown Your servant (32:11)

We see that Yaakov’s doubts were not in Hashem’s word or ability to protect him; Yaakov doubted his own worthiness to be saved. As Rashi explains, Yaakov’s concern was that he used up his merits already, or that he would come to sin and would no longer merits Hashem’s miraculous intervention. Rav Moshe Taragin notes that this humility and even lowliness is the proper mindset of every Jewish individual – to never feel that we are complacent in our merits or that we have filled our quota of good deeds to deem us as righteous in the eyes of Hashem.

Yaakov’s unassuming nature is demonstrated further in Rashi’s interpretation of the three words that Yaakov instructed his messengers to tell Esav: im lavan garti (literally translated, I have sojourned with Lavan). Rashi explains that Yaakov wanted to assuage his brother, Esav, by informing him that all the time he was in beit Lavan he did not rise to an envious position but he remained a stranger (ger) there.

Rashi also offers a second explanation of the words, im Lavan garti – quoting the Midrash, Rashi notes that the word garti contains the same numerical value of 613 (as in taryag mitzvot) – thus indicating to Esav that all the time that Yaakov spent with Lavan, he kept the 613 mitzvot.

If we determined that Yaakov was so concerned about his spiritual status to the point that he fears he is not worthy of Hashem's protection (and we said that this is an appropriate, admirable mindset to have), then how do we understand the second explanation that Rashi that suggests that Yaakov was indeed confident in his Torah observance? If Yaakov was aware and felt assured that he had maintained his spiritual piety and purity over the years, then why does he seem so concerned that he lacks the merit of Hashem’s protection?

The two explanations that Rashi offers illuminate the paradoxical perception of self that Yaakov Avinu had. One the one hand, Yaakov sees and presents himself as a mere stranger of no notable status, someone who is lowly in the eyes of others and unsure where he stands in the eyes of Hashem. On the other hand, there is a sense of pride that he expresses in that he was able to maintain his spiritual wholesomeness despite the negative influences of beit Lavan.

Although on the surface these two attitudes seem contradictory, the Netivot Shalom explains that in fact, they are complimentary to one another. He explains further that both the humility and confidence that Yaakov models were necessary mindsets to have in order to overcome the evil forces that tried (unsuccessfully) to diminish Yaakov’s spiritual level.

The Netivot Shalom explains further that the yetzer hara attacks us from many different fronts. Perhaps the more obvious way the yetzer hara strikes is in attempt to persuade us to give in to physical desires and in so doing neglect Torah and mitzvot. Often times the evil inclination attempts to accomplish this task by causing us to ruminate over our past sins and thereby convincing us that one more sin won’t really make matters any worse, or one more merit won’t be enough to salvage our prior mistakes. In order to overcome this, we must have a sense of confidence about the good we have already accomplished and a recognition that our actions are meaningful and significant, and therefore we, as individuals, are important.

At the same time, there is another force with which the yetzer hara attacks – and that is after we have already performed the mitzvah. Often times after we have done a good deed, our ego becomes inflated and we become overly confident in ourselves - when this happens, it is if our good deeds are handed over to the influence of the yetzer hara. In order to overcome this front of the evil inclination, we must maintain a sense of modesty and humility - rather than becoming overly proud about our past that we feel complacent in our spiritual accomplishments and lose our motivation to keep moving forward and upwards on this path.

And so, explains the Netivot Shalom, Yaakov needed both aspects – the self-confidence in regards to the mitzvot he did keep, coupled with a humble spirit that ensured that he did not become overly-confident or content with his spiritual gains. How did Yaakov strike this healthy balance between self-worth and genuine humility about his spiritual status?

It seems that Yaakov’s sense of self came from the confidence, even pride, that he had in his past actions and choices, while his sense of humility stemmed from an insecurity about what would be in the future (as seem in the first Rashi quoted above), as he was unsure whether he would continue to find strength and have the foresight to make the right decisions and continue to find favor in the eyes of Hashem. Thus, in spite of all the good that Yaakov did, he maintained his unpretentious and unassuming nature. Essentially, it is the combination of satisfaction in the good that we have accomplished, along with an apprehension about our future that inspires and propels us to act with utmost piety and righteousness as we moves forward in our lives.

The notion that his balance between self-worth and humility is a necessary means to protect our inner goodliness and our spiritual accomplishments from the workings of the evil inclination is reflected in the following statement:

G-d tells man, "My candle [the mitzvos] are in your hands; your candle [the soul] is in My hands. If you guard My candle, I will guard yours" 
(Devarim Rabbah 4:4).

A great challenge many of us face is to be able to recognize that Hashem puts the Torah into our hands in order that we live by it and constantly seize opportunities to perform mitzvot and observe Torah laws. But, there is a second challenge, and that is to hold on to these merits - after we have performed the good deeds, we must feel a sense of elation and be uplifted by the ecstasy of performing a mitzvah – and let that excitement inspire us to continue on that path. At the same time, to truly guard the mitzvot is to not give in to the yetzer hara even after the fact – to not become haughty or self-righteous.

Yaakov was fully aware of the good deeds and righteous acts that he had done in the past. Still, he knew that to hold on to those merits, he must not become overly prideful and assume that Hashem will perform miracles for him if he did not continue to demonstrate his faith and continue to act in a righteous manner. Yaakov knew that if he "guarded" his mitzvot by not becoming overly prideful - and then Hashem would indeed guard him in his upcoming battle. And so, Yaakov's panic does not reflect a lack of faith in Hashem that He would protect him - but rather it shows that Yaakov understood that he could not depend on his past deeds but must continue on his path of righteousness to merit Divine protection.

It is no surprise that Yaakov Avinu is associated with the quality of tiferet (harmony) as we see how he was able to strike this harmonious balance self-worth and self respect with a humble spirit and mindset. May we learn from Yaakov's was to find this balance - to be able to recognize that as much as he had done, there was so much more to do. May we feel satisfaction in the good we have done and use that healthy dose of pride propel us forward, without becoming too sure of ourselves that we become complacent in our spiritual standings. May we always and always to follow the righteous and honorable path and may Hashem always guide us and guard as as we move forward and upward on this endless journey!

Shabbat Shalom, Taly