From R' Yoni Lavie
The very last moments, when a person faces death, when he knows that his end is near and soon he will close his eyes forever, give him an opportunity to look at his life in a unique way. He can see things and reach insights that were kept from him for many years. Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who worked for many years in a ward for terminal patients. She cared with great dedication for many patients who had no more than a few weeks to live, and she often spoke to them about their lives and their feelings. One of the questions that she asked them was if there was anything that they regretted. She wanted to know if when looking back there was anything that they would have done differently.
She heard many different answers to this stark and fascinating question, but there were five elements that appeared over and over again.
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. During a lifetime, a person makes hundreds and even thousands of decisions. He or she decides how to behave, how to dress, how to talk, and even to think in a certain manner, without realizing how strongly he is influenced by the will of others. He gives up on some of his dreams or modifies them depending on what his surroundings, his parents, and his friends expect of him. It takes courage to be true to yourself and to live in a way that is really most suitable for you.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. This factor was mentioned by every man that Bronnie treated, and from many of the women too. They missed their children's childhood, their companionship with their parents and with their mate, and they dedicated themselves to working day and night. In the past there may have been some difference between work time and time at home, but today this has all but disappeared. Telephones and mail accompany you wherever you go, and the urge to invest more and more in work and to develop a career draws a person out and steals from him the time that he could have spent with the people he loves most. Without even noticing it, he misses opportunities for magical family moments and times of companionship that will never return. It is necessary for a person to earn a living, but is it really necessary for the work to take up so much of our lives and encroach upon our souls?
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. It seems that many people suppress their feelings. They are restrained and reserved, they keep things bottled up inside, they avoid following their hearts and describing their internal feelings to the outside. Because of this they lack large measures of warmth, happiness, and joy which they might have shared with the people closest to them. Many people developed illness and tensions that stemmed mainly from bitterness and anger that they kept within themselves for years. They "cooked" in their own juices and they never provided an opportunity for matters to come out in the open and to be clarified.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. In the world of facebook and WhatsApp, this might seem a bit strange, but the truth is that today it is more meaningful than ever. Close friendship and a deep relationship are priceless commodities that have become especially rare in our times. In spite of what appears to be a multitude of "friends," very many people are trapped deep in their personal lives, while they have allowed their true friends and soul mates to slip away from them as time went on. They have been very busy with other matters, and they did not invest in their friendships all the time and effort that they deserved. "When they were close to death," Bronnie says, "they all missed their friends..."
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. Far too many people believed throughout most of their lives that to be happy is a result of fate or luck. Only when they were close to death did they realize that more than anything else happiness is a matter of choice. It is more comfortable to get caught up in old habits and behavior patterns and to remain in a "safety zone," a place which is familiar and comfortable. However, one who allows himself to advance, who is not afraid of change, who will be ready to make an effort and try something new even at the possible cost of painful failure or making a mistake, will find that new horizons are opening up before him, and that the goal of happiness is closer than ever.
It seems that our sages were able to summarize the conclusions of this Australian nurse in one main concept: "Repent one day before your death. The students of Rabbi Eliezer asked him, Does a person know what day he will die, so that he will know to repent? He replied, that's just the point. One should repent today because perhaps he will die tomorrow, he should repent tomorrow because perhaps he will die the next day. And in the end, he will be in a permanent state of repentance, every day." [Avot D'Rebbe Natan 15:4]. A person is aware of the five insights listed above deep in his heart even when the time of death is far away. But with the flow of life, he pushes them away and ignores them. And when the moment comes that they echo within him in a loud voice, it turns out that it is too late.
And what about you? Where do these insights come into your life? Is there anything that you would add to this list?
