May 9th, 2025
MONSEY, NY — Local dieter Yossi Goldblum congratulated himself this week on sticking to his rigorous health routine by enjoying his 27th consecutive “Mitzvah Cheat Day.”
After nearly two months on the popular “Be A Gibbor Diet,” Goldblum says the only way to remain a sincere Eved Hashem and stick to a diet for the long haul is by allowing himself to prioritize Simchas Yom Tov and Hachana over mere caloric restrictions.
“I’d go crazy if I didn’t reward my Neshama with the occasional holy indulgence,” said Goldblum while inhaling a third slice of Yerushalmi Kugel. “How can anyone handle eating kale salads when there is so much kedusha in the air? It’s practically a chiyuv.”
According to Goldblum, the diet was going perfectly until about a week before Pesach, when his wife began preparing her legendary brisket and potato kugel. “I couldn’t let my wife’s hard work go to waste—that would create Shalom Bayis issues,” he explained.
The momentum continued through the eight days of their Pesach program in Arizona, where Goldblum noted that since the food was already paid for, it would be Ba’al Tashchis not to visit the 24-hour tea room at least six times a day. “I did it all for Hashem and His Yomim Toivim,” Goldblum said. “You can’t celebrate the Geula on a pear.”
While most dieters would have returned to the gym after Isru Chag, Goldblum realized he had entered the 49 days of Sefiras HaOmer. He argued that preparing for the receiving of the Torah requires a "strong physical foundation," necessitating a 49-day "loading phase" of schnitzel and pasta.
“You have to prepare for the Yom Tov of Shavuos,” Goldblum insisted. “You can’t just walk into a day of cheesecakes, blintzes, and creamed spinach after eating salads. Your system would be in shock. I am slowly building up my dairy tolerance for the sake of the Minhag.”
Goldblum plans to restart his diet immediately following Isru Chag Shavuos, though he noted that the three weeks of mourning before Tisha B'Av are right around the corner, and "one really shouldn't be focused on physical vanity during such a somber time."
Studies show that Goldblum’s "Mitzvah Cheat Day" method is 100% effective at helping dieters successfully navigate the Jewish calendar while maintaining a steady weight gain of 15 pounds per Yom Tov [including pre-YT prep].
