Pure Motivations

"I DID it"!!!

"You did what?"

"I finished all of meseches bava basra - 175 pages! But each page has two sides so it's really 350 pages!"

"So what? What's the big deal?!"

"No, you don't understand! I had a goal and I reached it."

"So you are happy because you fulfilled your goal?"

"Right, I am happy because I suceeded! I picked the masechta with the most pages and decided that I have to finish it in four months and I did it - two and a half hours before the deadline! Shouldn't I be proud of myself?"

"So who did you learn the masechta for?"

"What sort of question is that? You think I learned it for my accountant? For my cardiologist? Why should they care? I did it for myself. Is there something wrong with that?"

"To be frank [or Tom], yes. We have only been talking for a minute and you used the word "I" ten times. We don't learn Torah because it gives us a sense of accomplishment [even though it does]. We also don't learn Torah because it is the most intellectually stimulating text on the planet [it is]. We learn because it is ratzon Hashem. We learn because Hashem wants us through our learning to bring kedusha to the world. So in a sense you ARE learning for your accountant and cardiologist [even though they may not appreciate it right now]. We learn because it makes us holy and we are commanded to be holy. If one feels a sense of accomplishment that should only be a by-product. Learning is about dveykus Ba-shem. Some people get so caught up in their learning they don't realize that they are not learning for Hashem, they are really learning for themselves. It is a form of self worship. Of course, one sometimes needs some impure motivations to get himself to learn, but ultimately the kavana should be for Hashem."

"Oy, I .... woops, there is that "I" again. I am used to thinking about myself when I learn. You really opened my eyes to the fact that learning should be focused on Hashem. I'll work on it. Is there a sefer on the topic?"

"Glad you asked. Nefesh Hachim shaar dalet."