Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I am invited to a wedding in New Jersey. Where in New Jersey, only Hashem and - li-havdil - my GPS knows. I drive up to the hall in my 2014 sleek sports car and a smiling young man wearing a bow tie, whose name tag says "Kevin", offers to take my keys and park for me. For a moment I hesitate to hand over my keys because I don't know Kevin and he seems like the type who would enjoy owning such a car but I calm myself by remembering that if he were a car thief he would have lost this job long ago [unless it was his first day at work and then maybe I do have something to worry about:)].

I enjoy looking at the waterfall right outside the hall and then enter the building with its high ceilings, large paintings, cacophonous carpets and restrooms that are equipped with either a television or have music playing in the background - ostensibly to distract a person so that he doesn't have Torah thoughts while in there.

After a lavish shmorg, I and the rest of klal yisrael are FULL. I wish the chosson and his father and his-soon-to-be father-in-law a huge mazel accompanied by a kiss and hug. Now the chuppah. A looong chuppah. The kallah marches down the aisle slowly and so do all of her relatives, entire high school and seminary classes, her co-counselor at HASC and all twelve sets of parents and grandparents. The band changes the tune for each group of marchers. When the chosson's nephews and nieces march down, the theme of Sesame Street is played. His little four year old niece holding a basket of petals, suddenly runs in the oppposite direction and everybody who notices laughs. Not everybody notices because a large percentage of the people are either busy on their blackberry's, catching up with their shnaim mikra vi-echad targum or whispering to their neighbors ["When did his parents get divorced?" "Is it true that they broke off the engagement for a while?"].

The Rabbi speaks about how special the chosson and kallah are, the uncles get their brachas under the chuppah, a few people are offended that they didn't get a kibbud, a glass is broken and the festivities begin.

The chosson and kallah go to the yichud room to spend 45 minutes with the photographer and the guests go to the main hall to start a meal they don't really need because they just ate only an hour ago right before the chuppah.

People are eating and talking and talking and talking and eating and talking. Then the band starts a heavy beat which immediately puts pictures of Rocky Balboa in mind from my long lost childhood when I was being molded by Western Culture and all of it's trappings. The girls stand in two lines facing each other, holding circular rods, so that the chosson and kallah can run between them and under the rods. This is also how NFL games begin and I wonder about the significance of starting the dancing with boxing and football symbols. The boys [and I must publicly admit, one man who totally doesn't act his age] start jumping up and down. Hundreds of thousands of dollars of dental work are revealed in the large smiles all over the hall. The air is electrified. Finally, they appear!! The dancing begins and there is not much room to move unless you are in the outer circle. Otherwise, it's really squishy. Everybody is dancing except for a few old-timers who are watching and clapping their hands.

Everything is UNBELIEVABLE.

After 40 minutes the first dance ends and it is time for the main course, so all of the guests are asked to find their seats.

By this time many of the guests have left. Some left right after the chuppah. [I was once asked by the baalei simcha if I am leaving after the chuppah. I am not such a chashuve Rov yet, but I hope one day!!:)]. Some left during the first dance and some are exiting now. The baalei simcha paid 150 dollars a plate [the kallah's father is the caterer's doctor so he got 50 percent off]  and a significant amount of people are not going to enjoy the benefits. Money - down the drain. G-d Himself - teaches the Talmud [known in the "Mir" as "Gemara"] has sensitivities not to waste Jewish money. הקב"ה חס על ממונם של ישראל. But here, money gonno ["gonno" is an Italian word I just made up].

Little by little more and more people clear out. By the second dance, the dance floor is wide open. It is inhabited mostly by young people [and the aforementioned man who doesn't act his age]. As time progresses, more and more people leave until by the time dessert is served, but a small percentage of the guests remain. Mostly the friends of the chosson and kallah, some relatives and a few close friends of the parents. The band plays some yerushalayim songs, concluding with "Soooommeeeee daaaaaayyy weee will allllll beeee togeeeether", and the simcha reaches a crescendo.

Sheva brachos are said [this time the borei pri hagoffen is the last and not first bracha as it was during the chuppah] glasses of wine are mixed together [as explained here] and people line up to get brachos ["Oh Shaindy - give me a bracha that I should find a chosson, soon"] and the search for Kevin and my sports car begins.

Mazel Tov!!

What is my POINT??

It is hard to remain at weddings until the end. People have work the next day. Some masmidim want to go to learn [on a SUNDAY!!]. The drive home is long. People are tired. Weddings are predictable.

This is my hergesh [gut feeling] and you will tell me if I am wrong.

I noticed that at 100 percent of the weddings I attend the choson and kallah stay until the end. Every time. They are ALSO busy. And tired [they just fasted and then danced for a long time]. They have things to do, mitzvos to perform, gifts to open. But they remain. So do the parents and close friends.

Why?

The answer is - the more a person EXPERIENCES THE SIMCHA AS HIS OR HER OWN, the more more likely they are to stay.

Did you ever go to a simcha where you felt out of place and wanted to get out of there? Of course. And get out of there you did. The reason is that you didn't feel like you belonged.

But here is the kicker - we don't attend simchas to enjoy ourselves. We attend in order to enhance the joy of other people. Pil-ei Pla-os! It has NOTHING to do with ME. I am ZEERROOOOO. I am here for the chosson and kallah. It was wonderful that I came and G-d will reward me. But the reward will be commensurate to the amount of simcha I felt for them.

I am not saying that people have to stay until the end of every simcha. I AM saying that I think that people who aren't "feeling it" are more likely to make an early getaway. The proof, as I said, is that the closer a person is to the simcha - the more likely he is to put aside all of his other business and remain. He is also more likely to dance. The parents of the chosson and kalla will always take an active part in the dancing at their own children's weddings but at other weddings they will often be inactive spectators. Of course, it is natural to be happier at one's own child's simcha but to be a real Jew is to step outside of yourself and feel someone else's simcha as if it were your own.

In Israel, since Baruch Hashem there is such a proliferation of smachos [people have an average of nine chidren each - so figure in bris milah's, pidyon haben's, kiddushes, bar mitzva's, weddings, sheva brachos' etc. and multiply that with all of a persons friend's, you get a LOT of smachos] the custom for many, is to come for a few minutes, wish mazel tov and leave.

When I make a simcha - I sense who really wants to be there and who came just to be "yotzei". I assume that I am not the only one... So the message is - try to be at anothers person's simcha with all of your heart and soul - as if it were your own simcha.

Because it is.

Isn't that what ואהבת לרעך כמוך is all about??