Who Do We Really Love And How Much?

This post is dedicated by my beloved friend R' Meir Zev Steinmetz, whose learned, scholarly article on the mitzva of  ואהבת לרעך inspired me to approach the issue from the perspective of mussar and avodas Hashem.  

Why do we attend smachot?

Many times we go just to be "yotzei". We don't really want to be there but we feel a sense of obligation and don't want to offend our friend.

That explains why at a wedding, by the time the first dance is over, half of the people are already out the door and on their way home. Imagine, the families spent tens of thousands of dollars and months of planning. People come, say mazel tov, have a bit [or more than a bit] to eat and drink, socialize, and long before the party is over they are gone. The closer one feels to the simcha, the longer he stays. Sometimes, we don't know many people there, feel out of place, and escape as fast as we can.

So what is wrong with that? People have to get up for work the next morning, they are busy, have their own families, want to watch the 11 o'clock news etc. Cut people some slack!

Full disclosure: Tonight I attended a bar mitzva of the son of a friend and then rushed out early to attend a sheva brachos of a distant family member, then [embarrassedly] excused myself [despite the hosts request that I stay longer and eat] and rushed home to attend to my own very pressing business. So who am I to talk?

That is why I am writing this post. There is a mitzva in the Torah that commands us to love our friend as much as we love ourselves. That would include rejoicing at his simcha as we would our own [regardless of how close we "feel" to him]. The problem rises when there are two or more simchas to attend. Another problem arises when it conflicts with one's own personal obligations and we know the rule that states חייך קודמין - your life comes first [whatever that means - not for now....].

My question is - Are we mekayeim this mitzva properly? How many people do we really love? Remember, the mitzva is to love EVERY JEW ON EARTH as much as one loves oneself [see the formulation of the practical ramifications in the Ramban on the pasuk and the Rambam in hilchos Deyos]. That is the simple meaning of the pasuk. Going to a simcha out of a sense of obligation and then rushing out is certainly no fulfillment of that mitzva. One has to go and FEEL the simcha as if it is his own. That is a high level but that is the command of Hashem.

Imagine. Imagine how the world would look if everybody fulfilled this mitzva ki-pshuto, in its most simple and basic form.

There would be no more poor people, because all of the wealthy people would band together and devise ways to extract all of the poor out of their poverty. They would provide them with jobs and money, just as one would do for his own children, out of love.

All of the single people would find themselves inundated with offers because people would not be able to sleep at night wracking their brains trying to ensure that nobody is alone.

You would never hesitate to ask anyone for a favor because you know that everybody is just waiting to do favors due to their pure love of mankind. When asking, you wouldn't be refused unless the person REALLY couldn't.

There would be no more machlokes in families, yeshivas, shuls, schools, chassidic groups etc. etc. It would just be love and camaraderie everywhere.

I will say the following on a personal note. I have met countless thousands of people in my life. Each and every one of them has positive and admirable qualities. Yet, in my 43 years on the planet, I have met only one person whom I felt [and of course this is all from my limited perspective] actually fulfilled the mitzva as written. A person who truly loved every Jew and would happily do anything for anyone within his human limitations. A person whose critical eye never prevented him from seeing and seeking out the good in everyone - even complete strangers. Just one person. Even if one will say that there are more examples [I would very much like to meet them and I am sure they exist] - it is still a rare phenomenon. At best we love close family members and close friends and even then we often are lax in expressing this love and really being there for them unfailingly.

Our overly excessive vigilance in fulfilling our own needs and wants often come at the expense of our obligations to others.

One more note: While it shouldn't be one's motivation, loving freely and openly adds tremendously to the quality of one's own life. There is nobody who is so pitiful as one who is completely immersed
in himself. I know such people and they are SAD.

I hope that this post will make people think about this mitzva and to do what they can in fulfilling it to the max. Now I am going to fulfill it by taking my crying baby out of her crib....