Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
On the other hand ... you have different fingers.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Israel, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
