Monday, December 7, 2015

A Friend In Whom You Can Confide Your Embarrassing Deed Is A Friend Indeed

Rabbi Frand

The Torah says that Yehudah had a relationship with Tamar, thinking that she was a zonah:  "So he turned to her to the road, and said, 'Prepare please, let me come to you', for he did not know that she was his daughter-in-law.  And she said, 'What will you give me if you come to me?'" [Bereshis 38:16]  She was in fact, playing the role of the zonah and asked Yehudah what he would pay her for her services.  Yehudah promised to send her a young goat from his flock. 
But Tamar told him that she wanted a deposit to back up his promise:  She specifically asked for his signet, his wrap, and the staff that was in his hand.  Yehudah gave them to her, had relations with her, and she conceived by him.
Later, Yehudah sends a young goat with his friend, Chirah the Adullamite, to deliver to the zonah as promised and to retrieve the personal items, which he deposited with her.  Lo and behold, Chirah cannot find her.  He inquires of the people and is told that there was no zonah in town. 
Of course none of us would ever be caught in such a situation.  But let us imagine that one would have found himself in such an indelicate situation as Yehudah was facing.  Isn't this something a person would take care of by himself, rather than going to a trusted friend and asking him to find the zonah he hired, pay her off, and retrieve his pledge?  A person does not ask for such a favor even from a trusted friend!  How did Yehudah do this? 
The answer is that the Torah is revealing something that is so true.  The Torah says "Yehudah sent the young goat through his friend the Adullamite…" [Bereshis 38:20]  This person was ray-ay-hu – his friend.  The definition of a friend is someone who you can tell, "I had an illicit relationship with a zonah, I have to pay her off.  Do me a favor and take the money to her."  This is the definition of a friend.
The Rambam, in his Mishna Commentary to Tractate Avos, on the Mishna that advises, "Acquire a friend," writes as follows: A person should have a friend that he can fully trust and not hide anything from.  He should not have to guard himself in the friend’s presence in either speech or action.  He should be able to tell the friend all his personal matters – the good and the unseemly – without fearing that he will think less of him or tell others about them.
This is the definition of friendship – "You are so close to me and I trust you so much that I can even open up to you and tell you the worst things about myself without feeling self-conscious and without fearing that I will lose you as my friend." 
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The fifth bracha of the Sheva Brochos, recited at a meal during the week of a wedding begins: Sameach te'Samach Re'yim ha'Ahuvim, ke'Samechacha Yetzircha be'Gan Eden mi'Kedem [Gladden the beloved companions as You gladdened Your creature in the Garden of Eden from aforetime.]  Have you ever wondered why it is we refer to the Groom and the Bride as "Re'yim ha'Ahuvim" [beloved companions]?  The bracha is directed at the Chosson and Kallah.  We pray that their relationship should be the type of relationship that is "Re'yim ha'Ahuvim". (The Choson and Kallah should not try this during Sheva Brochos.  First, they need to build the relationship. However…) If a person builds a relationship with his wife and he has a successful marriage, he should be able to come home some day and tell his wife "I did the stupidest thing… I did something so stupid, so bad, and so ugly today…"  And his wife will accept him because she knows that this "stupid act" is only part of a much bigger picture. This is a good friend. This is a ray-ay-hu.
Such was Yehudah's friend, Chirah -- ray-ay-hu ha'Adulami.  Yehudah was literally one of the premier sons of Yakov Avinu, if not the premier son.  He has a relationship with a zonah and he tells Chirah "take the money to her".  How does he do that?  It is because he was a good friend and with a good friend one can do that.   If a person is lucky in life, his spouse may be that friend. If he is even luckier, maybe he also has somebody else who can fill that role.  This is what the Mishna says in Avos:  Acquire for yourself a friend.  Try to get a friend who will stick with you through thick and thin. Whatever may occur, he will stand by you.  We hope that every Chassan-Kallah will merit having the mutual relationship of Ray'yim Ahuvim