BORO PARK, NY — During the quiet standing Shemoneh Esrei at Shachris on Shabbos morning, local yungerman Shragi Eisenbach once again lost his kavanah as he began daydreaming about defending his shul from a crew of armed Arab terrorists.
Almost as soon as he stepped three steps forward to start Shmoneh Esrei, Eisenbach was distracted by thoughts of heavily armed intruders bursting through the doors of the main beis medrash while he bravely stood to face them.
What would he do? Would he dive in front of his women’s section to shield his wife and daughters? Would he leap over the long wooden tables, past the scattered sefarim, and tackle the assailant? Or maybe he’d climb into the air ducts, creating a situation where he could pop out and surprise the attackers.
"No one really knows how they’d react in a real sakanas nefashos," he said. "But I'm pretty sure I'd vault over the bench and tackle the first guy through the door. I'd wrestle the gun away from him — an AK-47, obviously — and start firing back. But when the gun jams — it always jams — I'd start throwing jump kicks. I’ve never taken a karate class in my life, but in the heat of the moment, I'm pretty sure I could pull it off. Bi-siyata Di-shmaya of course".
According to sources, global tensions and rising safety concerns around shuls have led to an increasing number of men getting caught up in elaborate fantasies about single-handedly saving the kehillah.
"He's constantly asking me where we are holding in davening," Eisenbach's chavrusa Duvi said, rolling his eyes. "I ask him, 'Weren't you davening?' and he just admits, 'No, I was mapping out tactical entry points for the doors.'"
At press time, Eisenbach had officially joined the shul’s volunteer Shomrim security detail and ordered a tactical vest, putting himself in the best possible position for the showdown he remains convinced is right around the corner.
