Male Teachers - Female Students: The Conundrum

A topic that has troubled me for many years....

Men teaching women. The starting point is the Shulchan Aruch who says that one should stay "very very" far away from people of the opposite gender. When we go to shul we are so suspicious of human nature that halacha mandates a physical wall between men and women. Suddenly, after davening the man goes into class and spends the next 50 minutes looking at, talking to and laughing with [if he is funny - most teachers of women are to a certain extent] women.

היתכן - Can it be??

It is. But the question is - What does Hashem think of this? I understand that the practice is widespread [even in my daughter's super farfrumpt Beis Yaakov, while the teachers are female, the administrators are male] and people don't like to question accepted practices but nevertheless....

The pros -  

1] The reality is that men know more Torah [by and large] than women. This is not because men are smarter but because they spend many, many more hours, days and years studying. Every yeshivish boy in the world has full time learning from his teenage years at least until marriage. No girl does. Maybe her year in Israel and even that is watered down with chesed and tiyulim and chagim and ... and... lots of stuff. This is a good thing. It is clearly not a woman's job to be a Talmidah Chachama. A woman's job is to do chesed and daven and learn and be a mommy and lots of other things but certainly not learning to the exclusion of all else. Since men know more they should be the ones passing their knowledge on to the women who will then bring that knowledge and inspiration into their homes.

2] In order to properly receive Torah there must be a feeling of respect towards the teacher. Rav Hutner in a letter explains that the deeper the feeling of awe and reverence for the teacher, the more the Torah will penetrate the depths of the student's soul. It seems that woman by and large have more respect for Rabbonim than they do for Rebbetzins. That is the way it SEEMS to me. Women reading this can confirm or deny because they know better than I. IF my presumption is true then men are definitely necessary teachers so that the tradition is effectively transmitted forward.

3] Parnassa. People need money and the man is usually the primary supporter. For many men, if they don't teach women they will not have enough money to live. That is a serious consideration.

The cons -

1] By golly - it is really not holy for a man to be around women. קדושים תהיו means פרושים מן העריות. To be holy means to be separate. But he is teaching Torah - what is unholy about that??? Well, if the man is a neshma without a body then everything is fine. But he is not. Can male teachers attest to the fact that they have never been attracted to a female student. In order not to be, he must perform the most difficult task known to man - to overcome his most basic and innate nature. In order to do this he must work very, very hard on himself. You will forgive my skepticism but I am not certain every single seminary teacher is on this exalted madreiga. It is such a fundamental and basic part of the male nature to be attracted to females that to be otherwise is virtually angelic. EVEN if one has a GREAT marriage [and not everybody does. Most people don't] it is still a challenge and a fortiori [kal va-chomer] if he doesn't have a solid marriage. In class the girls can be sweet, pretty and undemanding in ways that his wife isn't. When he talks in class, the girls enthusiastically write everything down in their notebooks [I think some girls were born with their notebooks:)] while at home when he talks his wife listens with a half an ear, interrupting him to tell Moishe to stop climbing on the table and to tell Ruchi to eat with her fork. Who is more attractive to him? Rhetorical question.

2] It is not so holy for the women. Can every female student attest to the fact that she never had a crush on a male teacher? I mean he is witty, spiritual, bright, knowledgeable, dresses well and is so respectful to her. Isn't that EXACTLY what she is looking for in a husband? So why shouldn't she be attracted to him. That is nature. She doesn't know that he has a short temper, is messy, demands dinner on time and is awfully forgetful. Only his wife knows that. So the wife is annoyed by his troublesome traits and the girls in his class see only the good side. Isn't that a problem??

3] In order to be a really good Rebbi one has to be close to the student. How close can one get to a girl? This is VERY thorny. IF he views her as his daughter then problem solved. He mamesh loves her but with no physical dimension. Like a father his daughter. But NATURE is that one is not attracted to one's daughter so it is a cinch to have pure love for her. The moment it is someone else's daughter, things become more problematic. So he should be close but always stepping back to make sure that he is not too close. Uncomfortable and awkward. If he is not close to his students and just gives a lecture and leaves without ever learning their names or where they are from and what their favorite flavor of ice cream is, I doubt that he will have much of an effect on their lives. It then sorta defeats the purpose.

4] Until know we have been talking about the level of purifying feeling; That it is a problem even to FEEL attraction to someone other than a spouse or at least potential spouse. But a more serious problem is that concrete things do happen. That is the worst. אין אפוטרופוס לעריות. No one can stop two people who are attracted to each other - even payos, a beard, a huge kippah, a long skirt and lots of chuckling during shmone esrei. People remain people.

What is the solution? Rav Tzvi Yehuda Kook said that IDEALLY only women should teach women. The model is that Sarah taught the women while Avraham taught the men.

But we don't live in an ideal world.

So what I recommend is as follows. If you are a girl/women and have a close student/relationship with a Rebbi - try to determine to the best of your ability that he is a serious Oved Hashem. You can ask other people about him to find out. Somebody who is constantly working on himself and trying to become holier and holier. This way you can be assured that his interactions with you will bring only to more kedusha in the world and not otherwise, G-d forbid.

Also, be suspicious if things get too close but be sure your suspicions are well founded. Sometimes girls think that a man is interested in them [in the male-female sense] when he is just being nice and that is his personality. In the previous post we discussed Rabbeim kissing their male students. A kiss can mean that the Rebbi loves the talmid in a pure way or it can mean, chas vi-shalom... The difference is literally the difference between Heaven and Hell.

If you are a man - Before you teach girls, ask a shyla. After you start - ask yourself if you are going up or down. In high school you were never lucky enough to have thirty girls giving you their full attention and respect and finding you irresistably funny and asking you all their questions as if you are Moses himself. Your newfound popularity might cause a yerida in your ruchniyos. והמבין יבין. If it is not working for you then you can find a different job. I would go into renovations. Lots of houses in our communities post-sandy need serious renovations.

These are just just random thoughts I jotted down to stimulate further discussion. I am surprised that I have never seen anything written about this topic.

People will only start talking about it AFTER a story hits the media. Why not prevent it in advance??!