The Importance Of Belonging

Recently I read an interesting story. A Rabbi from Bnei Brak related how he had been in France and befriended a secular Jew who was beginning to return to his roots. He was a man of "class" and "style" who enjoyed the "better" things in life.

One day he saw this man in a grocery store in Bnei Brak. His hair was now cut very short in the Charedi style he was wearing an old black hat that had seen better days, his black jacket was also not the height of fashion and his whole look said "No more High-Society-Paris - Bnei Brak and Koillel all the way". This Rabbi was shocked to see his old friend in this context. They warmly greeted each other and after the man made his purchase [not before determining if the flour had been ground after Pesach] they walked out together to the Bnei Brak street with its huge unemptied garbage bins, cats running around, no street lights and general tumult etc. etc.

The Rabbi asked his friend how he was managing in his new lifestyle.  The man said "Great! My days are filled with Gemara, Rashi, Tosfos, Reb Elchonon [that's what he said referring not to the 21st century former Rebbe in Modern Orthodox school but to a 20th century Talmudic Titan Hashem yinkom damo]. It's amazing."

"Yes, but isn't it hard to adapt to life in Bnei Brak after living as you did for so many years?"

The man thought and then offered a powerful insight into life. Yes, he answered. It is EXTREMELY difficult. Every day I have to break a thousand habits to which I had become accustomed. But it's worth it. Now I am associated [אני משתייך] with the community I feel gives me the most meaning in life.

From here we see, explained the Rabbi writing the article, how important it is to have שייכות to a community. It is a basic human need to BELONG. Everybody needs to feel that they belong somewhere. Brings to mind the lyrics to the theme song of the sitcom Cheers. A person wants to go to a place "where everybody knows your name, where they're always glad you came". Every society has their rules for belonging. A person might not always like the rules but it is the price he must pay in order to belong and it is well worth the price.

I know people who aren't married because they don't feel comfortable with girls from any group. The frum girls are too frummie and the modern girls are too modern. Such people just want to go with whatever they happen to feel and thus fit in nowhere. That is NOT a recipe for success in life.

That doesn't mean that one has to be a robot and mindlessly follow the dictates of society. It just means that once one decides where he wants to belong he must externally follow their [often unstated] rules.

If a person wants to be a tzaddik who spends his days and nights ensconced in the tent of Torah but insists on wearing shorts in the Beis Medrash on hot days or growing his hair long he will be an outcast. If a boy from Williamsburg wants to marry a good Stern girl and move to Teaneck he should change his garb [and accent, if possible]. If a girl wants to marry a boy who is serious about learning and halacha but insists that they spend their winter vacation in places where it is permitted only for blind men to go, she will have a problem.

This is critical for raising children. A child needs to feel like he belongs. To a family, to a society, to a  culture. The job of the parents is to give him this sense of belonging.