How We View Others

This has been on my mind the last while. I share....

The way we, OK, I, relate to most people is as an object. As an "it".

For example, I spend a lot of time on buses. As far as I am concerned the driver is just a pair of hands and feet whose job is to come on time and help me arrive at my destination as swiftly and safely as possible. Do I ever think about the driver as a PERSON? Someone with hopes, fears and aspirations. Have I ever asked myself if he enjoys being a bus driver and what he would rather do instead? Have I ever wondered what he does when he is in the middle of his route and he REALLY has to go somewhere private.

No.

And I don't care. [Someone was once asked what the difference is between indifference and apathy. He answered "I don't know and I don't care".] Don't get me wrong. NOW that I think about it I start caring but on the average day I am far too immersed in myself and what I am doing to be concerned with the fact that the bus driver dreams of being a professional singer...

Next example: The waiter. When I go to a restaurant to eat [I'm not a big restuarant guy but you catch my drift] do I think "Boy - this waiter has been on his feet for hours. He must be exhausted."

No.

I think "Where is my baked salmon already." He is just a pair of hands whose job is to make sure that I have the finest dining experience possible.

Third example: The pretty girl walking down the street. The basic nature of man is to enjoy looking at attractive women but what does this "look" say? It says "I care nothing about you and who you really are. Only about my own personal pleasure." That is the secret of woman on billboards. Men can just enjoy looking for as long as they wish without having to get involved in the messy aspects of relationships such a respecting the fact the she is a different human being than I with equally important needs, wants and desires.

When dating a girl she is also an object. If he is a frum boy the "object" may be someone with really good middos who loves taking care of children and says 100 chapters of tehillim a day but still an object. The girl will similarly see a boy as an object. Maybe a talmid chochom or someone who will responsibly provide for her but still an object. Even after marriage he/she may well continue to be an object. He is not having kids without her so he may view her as a baby machine. Or a cook. Or a cleaning lady. Or a babysitter. [Women do LOTS of things...]

When I need a minyan and call out "ASIRI" what am I feeling? All I care about now is finding somebody who hasn't davened yet so he can join my minyan. If someone tells me he can't join because he already davened, I am disappointed. Why should it bother me to hear that a Jew davened? I should be ecstatic. But when I need a minyan everyone else is just a potential body to complete my minyan. [I was recently getting a minyan together at a wedding and a tall man with a kippah on his head said "I could join but you probably want Jews for your minyan..." Turns out that he was an Episcopalian business associate of the chosson.]

A higher level is to start viewing the other person as a distinct individual whose purpose in this world is not just to fulfill my needs. To look at a person and try to FEEL what it is like to be them. How does a child feel living in the land of the giants? How would you feel if most people around you  were a foot or two taller and at least a hundred pounds heavier?? Children are NOT [contrary to the way I view them] merely potential sources of nachas or cute. They are real people.

How does your wife feel when she is pregnant? I can tell you how I feel when my wife isn't feeling well when she is pregnant but how does she - independent of me - feel?? I am just giving examples but there are limitless people, situations and personalities so the wise reader will extract from here to every life situation.

The highest level is to UNITE into a deep relationship with the other which is even deeper than experiencing him. It borders on the mystical....