By
Rabbi Efrem Goldberg of Boca Raton
[from
his blog]
“Do
you know if anyone in his family is taking medications and
what those
medications are for?”
“Can
you give me the name of a friend of her father and a different friend
of her mother I can speak to about her?”
“What
are the circumstances that led to his parents’ divorce?”
“Is
anyone in her family currently receiving counseling or therapy and
for what?”
“Does
the father come to Shul during the week or only on Shabbos?”
By far, one
of the most uncomfortable aspects of being a Shul Rav is fielding
shidduch inquiries regarding members of our community of all ages by
prospective mates or their parents. Above are just a few of the
actual questions I have received in the last few months alone.
Comprehensive investigations are not only taking place in the more
“right wing” orthodox communities, but are becoming increasingly
customary in modern orthodox circles as well.
As a parent
who wants to protect and guard my children as much as anyone, I can
only imagine the desire that will swell up in me when my children are
dating, please God, to do forensic detective work and uncover
absolutely everything about whomever might win the heart of my child
and contribute to the spiritual and physical genetics of my future
grandchildren.
And yet it
seems to me that the increasing level of investigation, and some of
the latest practices surrounding shidduch dating, are not only
failing to yield greater effectiveness or the desired results, but
they are compounding some of the existing challenges in the system
and are contributing to an inappropriate tone to dating.
There is
little disagreement that the modern shidduch system is flawed and in
some ways broken. There is an inherent imbalance in the numbers
and in the current system, that imbalance favors men and gives them
the upper hand and the opportunity to be highly selective.
While the process of shidduch dating is often filled with
disappointment, loneliness, and frustration for both genders, the
demographics make it especially difficult and sometimes acutely
painful for young women in particular.
There is no
clear way around the demographics and therefore no quick fix for the
system. But at the same time, we need not compound the problems
in the system by asking our eligible men and women to degrade
themselves in order to be noticed. While admittedly I am
neither single nor do I have children currently in the shidduch
scene, I do have the perspective of a community rabbi who fields
weekly phone calls inquiries and who hears from parents of young
people, usually young women, who are struggling with a system that is
frequently demeaning and inequitable and often challenges their
self-worth.
I freely
admit that I don’t have radical suggestions or transformative
solutions. I do, however, feel compelled to share a few
observations with the hope that we can collectively tweak the
terminology we use and the standards we practice as we aspire to
raise the bar, not lower it, and as we try to make the most of a
difficult situation.
First things
first: It is completely reasonable and understandable to feel
entitled to know basic facts about the individual one is being set up
with before agreeing to go out. The question, then, is what is
reasonable? I was recently having a Yom Tov meal at someone’s
home when they shared with me the album they curated out of
memorabilia from their dating and courtship. It began with the
scrap of paper upon which the now-husband jotted down a few facts he
heard from the shadchan about the girl he was being set up with, his
now-wife. Suffice it to say that while it included her
education, hobbies and interests, it did not make reference to her
medical records or her siblings-in-law.
In
contrast, young people from a similar background as this couple are
now told that if they want to enter the shidduch scene, they need to
prepare a proper “shidduch
resume.”
Tips are offered as to how to make the resume look professional and
impressive and what must
be included, including
not only a name, date of birth, height, education, camps, and
extra-curricular activities of the prospective mate, but also their
parents’ names, birthplace, occupations, and shul affiliation, as
well as the siblings’ ages, educational institutions, and spouses’
names, if applicable.
To be clear,
I have nothing against utilizing technology to produce a summary page
that can be shared easily and efficiently. My issue is not with
streamlining the information collection process; it is with the level
of detail we are demanding and expecting on “resumes.” Why is the
sibling’s occupation relevant to whether or not someone is a viable
candidate to meet? Should those who have unemployed siblings,
or older single siblings, or siblings who are “off the derech”
automatically be rejected? If individuals list such information
they are at a disadvantage, and if they omit the information, in the
current resume climate it raises suspicions about why it wasn’t
included.
One can’t
help but wonder regarding this week’s parsha: Had Eliezer seen
Rivka’s “shidduch resume” and investigated her father and
brother, would he have gotten far enough or been open to see her
extraordinary chessed, or would he have nixed the shidduch from the
outset?
Scrutinizing
shidduch suggestions excessively and performing inquisitions on every
recommendation not only precludes and prevents meeting what might
have been one’s soulmate, but it does little to ultimately protect
oneself or one’s children from someone who on the surface “has
everything” going but in reality makes a poor spouse and parent.
In my experience interacting with hundreds of families, I have come
across many individuals who would have had “undesirable” resumes,
including families that have dysfunction, illness, or disability, who
emerge to become the most amazing, kind, sensitive, thoughtful, loyal
and special spouse and parent. In counseling many couples, I
have also discovered many individuals with “perfect” resumes—from
the perfect family and with the perfect pedigree, appearance,
education, and interests—who turn out to be cruel, selfish, and
simply horrible spouses and parents.
It seems to
me that our children don’t need detectives working on their behalf.
They need us to model the balance between reasonable research and
being nonjudgmental, open-minded, and encouraging. The
demographic problem poses a great enough challenge without making
each young woman feel inadequate if her “resume” cannot pass a
forensic investigation.
Additionally,
while I recognize that this is not the biggest issue in shidduch
dating, nor will it provide a sweeping solution, I believe that
language matters, and calling the intake form a “resume” is not
only a semantic mistake but it frames dating negatively from the
outset. A resume is what one produces when he or she is the
applicant seeking entrance to a school or job. When one submits
a resume, the understanding is that they are the candidate making a
case for their worthiness to be accepted by the institution or
employer.
Do we really
want our children approaching dating and courtship as if they are
applying and being interviewed for a job? Don’t we want the
tone of their relationships to be defined by two equals engaged in
the process of learning about one another through conversation,
shared experience, and by observing how they each behave and react in
diverse situations? Would they not be better served if we all called
them “Shidduch Biographies” rather than “resumes?”
Dr.
John Gottman, a world-renowned authority on healthy marriages and
whose insights we have been sharing in our Shalom
Bayis series,
describes the importance of couples forming what he calls “love
maps.” In his extensive research, he found that emotionally
intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s
worlds, including their life goals, dreams, worries, hopes, fears,
and aspirations. Love maps never appear on a resume. They
are written and formed when a couple have enough in common to be
willing to see if there is chemistry between them that transcends
what it says about them on paper.
Sometimes,
when being interrogated about a member of our shul, if I feel it is
appropriate, I will stop the conversation and say, “I think he is
an incredible young man, and if one of my daughters were old enough,
I would be thrilled if she would go out with him.” It never
fails to shock me, and frankly offend me, when the inquirer continues
to proceed with their list of questions, revealing that “the
rabbi’s” glowing endorsement that he would happily welcome
someone into his family is not as important as getting through their
often inappropriate questions.
The latest
phenomenon is that many—mostly boys—won’t entertain a resume
unless it includes a picture. Of course, physical attraction is
a critical component of a successful marriage. In fact, the
Talmud (Kiddushin 41a) forbids a man from marrying a woman without
seeing her first, lest he insult her and hurt her by a lack of
attraction.
Yet
Chazal would never have endorsed the immodest practice of gazing at a
still picture to determine attraction as a prerequisite to meeting
someone in person. When asked about this practice, Rav Chaim
Kanievsky responded,
“that is nonsense! He will not see anything from the
picture. One must meet her in person.” Rav Dovid
Feinstein responded similarly, “Why are we making things more
difficult? There is a certain chein that
young ladies have that often does not come across in a photograph,
and can only be seen in person. We are making the shidduch crisis
worse with these new requirements.”
Don’t we
owe our daughters, many of whom have a hard enough time with dating
already, to not have to suffer the indignity of sweating over
producing a comprehensive resume and attaching a striking picture?
Why is it considered acceptable in some circles for the boy or his
mother to ask about the girl’s dress size (yes, this happens), but
one would be judged negatively for asking about the boy’s pants
size or the receding pattern of his hairline, or even about how many
masechtos he has completed or exactly how much income he earn?
Is
it a surprise that in the current system, with the current
expectations, one prominent author went so far as to suggest,“Mothers
this is my plea to you: There is no reason in today’s day and age
with the panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why
any girl can’t be transformed into a swan. Borrow the money if you
have to; it’s an investment in your daughter’s future, her life.”
Have
these boys that are demanding pictures and dress sizes looked in the
physical and metaphorical mirror lately? The Talmud (Sota 2a)
tells us, “ein
mezavgin l’adom elah l’fi ma’asav,”
we are matched commensurate and in parallel with who we are and what
we have to offer.
I recognize
that like many others, I have highlighted some of the challenges
without offering transformational solutions. I don’t offer
them, as others have not, because they are not obvious or easily
attainable. We many not be able to move the needle in large
ways, but our sympathy and empathy for those stuck in a challenging
system should minimally move us to refuse to participate in some of
the latest trends. The least we can do within the system we are
stuck with is preserve the dignity and self-esteem of our children
and friends with small gestures such as not labeling their lives
resumes, not forcing them to feel they need cosmetic surgery just to
provide a picture to make their “resume” more compelling, and by
not demanding more information than the FBI and CIA together could
uncover.
Nobody is
going to be the one person bucking the system, as repulsive as full
participation may sometimes be, because they fear the consequences of
being ostracized or ignored. If all of those in the “parsha” of
dating, including those single and their parents, collectively refuse
to play by the artificial rules, the system can improve. Shadchanim
should prioritize the people they are representing by not asking for
or providing pictures, and by collecting shidduch biographies, not
resumes. If rabbis, shadchanim, and friends not only refuse to answer
inappropriate questions, but call out and shut down those asking
them, we can scale back the inquisitions and return to reasonable
research. Perhaps more importantly, if every member of the Jewish
community makes it his or her personal mission to advocate for their
single friends, people can be set up by those who know them and
therefore be more trusting and less scrutinizing.
The period of
dating perhaps provides parents with their final opportunity to model
and teach critical life lessons and values to their children while
still living under one roof. If we use the opportunity to
encourage them to be open-minded in dating and to bravely be part of
a community not willing to stoop or cave to unreasonable pressures,
we can not only help our children find appropriate spouses, but we
can also help them become better people.
