Rabbi Eisenman
Oprah Winfrey, who has been “Dubbed the Queen of All Media; is considered the richest African-American of the 20th century. She is the greatest black philanthropist in American history, and is currently (2015) North America’s only black billionaire. Several assessments regard her as the most influential woman in the world.” (Wikipedia)
Ms.
Winfrey commented on her final episode of her wildly popular TV
show, “I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this
show,” she said, “and all 30,000 had
one thing in common. They all wanted validation.”
Validation,
which can be described as the need to be heard or
the desire to be correct and right; is something we all crave for.
And
there is nothing wrong and there is everything right in giving
someone the proper validation; providing of course they are deserving
of it.
We
should offer validation when appropriate; however, we should make
sure our validation is coming from a good place in order to truly
help the other person and not for our own selfish needs.
Too
often our desire to validate others stems from our own
selfish need to receive reciprocal validation and this
corrupts our thinking and we end up giving wrong or even harmful
validation.
For
instance, if you tell your friend Larry, “Hey Larry, you were so
right in giving your boss a piece of your mind, he really deserved
it!” Chances are that Larry will reply, “Joe, I knew I could
count on you for validation. You are a true friend and I so
appreciate your wisdom and insightfulness.”
Your
desire for reciprocal validation has corrupted your honest assessment
of the situation.
Most
probably Larry was very silly for giving the boss a piece of his mind
and more often than not he will regret his outburst sooner than
later.
And
although Joe knows deep down that he has given Larry the improper
validation for his outburst at his boss; however, his own
narcissistic need for reciprocal validation which he knows will
receive if he validates Larry causes him to actually hurt his friend
by falsely validating him.
This
dysfunctional dance between friends plays out much too often.
We
all want to be validated and we all want our friends to validate us,
however, it should never be on the expense of causing harm to others.
Give
your friend the validation they honestly deserve; however, never
validate your friend just to receive reciprocal validation as this is
not helping your friend at all.
It
would be difficult and somewhat uncomfortable for Joe to actually
tell Larry, “Larry, let me tell you something, you were really
wrong in lashing out at your boss…”
However,
a true friend will forgo his need for reciprocal validation for the
sake of giving his friend the proper advice he needs and not just
offer perfunctory validation.
