Wednesday, March 30, 2016

My Impassioned Speech At The Supermarket/ Why It Is Fun To Die

From my archives.....

Today I went shopping in the supermarket [Fairway on 74th and Broadway, for those curious:)]. I am normally not a big shopping guy, but here I have only one other option.

Starvation, resulting ultimately in death.

The reason that such an eventuality doesn't seem so attractive is because I am far from my family and therefore don't know who would attend my funeral and half the fun of being at one's own funeral [I am assuming] is seeing how all the good buddies came out to offer final respects [the other half is not having to pay ridiculously high taxes]. People are so BUUUUUSSSYYYY. Hard to pin anyone down for 30 seconds. Sometimes I will send a friend an email and two and a half weeks later he will reply with three words making me amazed at how busy he must be. He only found four free seconds for me after two and half weeks:):)! AHHHHHHHH - friends........

There are OTHER reasons why I would prefer not to starve to death, all of them enough to get me to go to the supermarket, take a basket in hand and fill it up with delectable edibles.

Today I was walking around watching everybody shop and I could take it no longer.

[I am making the following up. It DID happened - in my imagination].

I stood up in a shopping cart and said with great drama and pathos:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Goyim and Jews, Republicans and Democrats, Met fans and Yankee fans, I would like your attention for just a few moments, then you can go back to your business of expanding your waistlines and deciding the ever present dilemma of 'should I get the tuna in water or in oil'. Or maybe thinking 'Darn it, did my wife tell me to get the three percent fat milk or eight percent?'.

You are all walking around this supermarket filling your shopping carts and baskets with food. Why? Animals eat just like humans eat. Are we all just a bunch of overdeveloped monkeys?? NO, I SAY! Man is endowed with a Godly soul. In Hebrew, the language of the Bible, we call this a N-E-S-H-O-O-O-M-A [if you live in Boro Park]. A soul is a part of G-d that he gave to us in order to distinguish us from the animal kingdom. So that when we eat and sleep and procreate, we do so with different feelings and attitudes than mammals in the jungle.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS [and illegal immigrants] - ARE WE LIVING TO EAT OR EATING TO LIVE? Do we have a higher purpose? Have we transformed our bellies into a substitute for G-d. Can we somehow ELEVATE our gastronomic endeavors into something rich and satisfying for the indomitable human spirit or is all of the pasta we are buying going to merely serve as fodder for the worms on that dark day when we bite the dust?!

Beloved fellow members of mankind with whom I have the privilege of gracing G-d's earth, I URGE you. Transcend your basic animalistic desire to maximize your physical pleasure and go for something lasting, something eternal. Speak words of spirituality at the table. Read a chapter of Psalms written by King David and know that if he were alive today he would insist that another English name be given to his masterpiece. What a silly name. And why are two of the six letters silent?? Read the Song of Songs and try to experience G-d's love. Connect to the Jewish people who are here to guide the way towards a life of meaning and depth.

Thank you all so much for your attention. I love you all!" 

I then blew kisses to the crowd of dozens that surrounded me.

I can't tell you if they are still clapping hours later but for the next ten minutes I was in the store it didn't stop. All people need is to be reminded that

נשמה שנתת בי טהורה היא