Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
They say that marriage is an institution. Love is blind. That means that marriage is an Institute For The Blind.
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.