NEW YORK, NY — According to sources, a group of Reform Jewish congregants have found a strange old book hidden underneath one of their Temple's pews.
The book, labeled "Chamisha Chumshei Torah" on the front of it, was apparently unknown and completely foreign to everyone at the Temple, leaving Reform leaders in fear that they may have been infiltrated by right-wing religious extremists.
"It contained strange text and verses we had never seen before," said Rabbi Jenny Spielman. "Just a cursory glance through this ‘Chumisha' was troubling. It appears to speak of an Almighty deity none of us are familiar with in any way. This seems like it would be the sacred text for fringe, right-wing people [the verses about wearing 'ritual fringes' confirmed our suspicions] who adhere to a dangerous set of fundamental values. We've launched a full investigation into how this ‘Chumisha' could have been brought into our Temple so we can prevent it from ever happening again."
The congregant who discovered the book was still shaken up over the incident hours later. "I've heard things about this book," said worshipper Danny Davis. "Terrifying things. People who read and believe the things in this book believe in a ‘God' who will someday hold unrepentant people accountable for something called ‘sin' and reward for good deeds… and so many laws such as keeping "Shabbat" and kosher, separating from a menstruating wife… and the Land of Israel was promised by God to the Jewish people and not to the Palestinians... and... and... I'm sorry, I can't talk about it. For a progressive like me - it was downright traumatic! I knew I had to notify the Reform leaders about it. A Reform temple is the last place for a book like this." When confronted with the book, Rabbi Spielman assured the person that this book is only binding on Orthodox Jews but says not a word about Reform Jews.
At publishing time, sources close to the Reform movement said an investigation was underway to determine the identity of the book's owner and root out any hint of Judaism from its congregation. Inside sources say that a main culprit is named "Irving Stone".
