WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the shocking announcement that he was suffering from stage 4 prostate cancer, former White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre - who is happily Black and Proudly Gay - insisted that Joe Biden was 100% cancer-free.
Jean-Pierre assured the American people that the cancer-riddled former president had received a clean bill of health and that, despite Biden suffering from metastatic cancer, it in no way meant that he was suffering from metastatic cancer.
"He is as fit, healthy, and free of cancer as I've ever seen him," she told reporters. "I know there are a lot of reports going around today about President Biden's health, but I want to be perfectly clear about this. Being diagnosed with cancer does not mean what everyone thinks it means. It means he has cancer, but that doesn't necessarily mean he has cancer. Having cancer and having cancer are two very different things. And while President Biden has cancer, I can assure everyone that he is cancer-free. He is as cancer free as he is at the height of his cognitive sharpness."
Questions have been raised about the timing of Biden's diagnosis, with many people, including doctors, expressing the belief that administration officials have known for some time and kept it from the public. "That would be ridiculous," Jean-Pierre said in response. "We had the most transparent administration in this nation's history. We were completely up front about everything, even the things we covered up and kept hidden from everyone."
Answering claims that Americans should have known that the person running their country was ill, Jean Pierre said "that is scurrilous [and I consulted a thesaurus before using that word!!]. It was Jill Biden, Kamala Harris and Barack Obama running the country. I mean, President Biden was running the country - and in perfect mental and physical health I may add - but his advisors were also in perfect health. We should all take great Pride in that".
Karoline Claire-Leavitt, President Trump's press secretary, who is Happily Married [to a man!!] with a child, said that "President Trump Shlita wishes Biden a speedy recovery. He can't ruin the country any more than he already has, so let him get better and enjoy his final time on earth. The First Lady and President are praying for his recovery. And so am I. Tfillas Nashim has special koach."
At publishing time, Jean-Pierre notified the media that even though Biden had passed away shortly before the 2020 election, he still went down in history books as the only man to posthumously win an election, serve a full term as president, and be diagnosed with cancer. With full mental acuity of course.
