“What do you do?” This is a common and frequently asked question at garden parties, but the question always feels strange to me. Certainly, work and careers are important. We should want to do the best we can and like the feeling that we are giving our utmost effort. Accolades for a job well done are great, but I think that as long as we are doing our best, that in itself is fulfilling. Engagement in work is only a part of what gives us a life worth living.
I wonder what would happen if the person we’re talking to at the party would rather chat about how much he loves his family, an enlightening book he’s reading, or a hobby that makes him feel alive. Western society seems dependent on status, and how we identify ourselves revolves so much around what we do. I’m a lawyer, doctor or accountant. However, worrying about status can be harmful to our health and frame of mind; overthinking status makes us feel less than adequate. Our inadequacies make us feel low self-worth, insecure, mediocre, and bitter. These feelings lead to distress and misery.
When we know what we value, we have clarity and purpose. Knowing our values and what matters is a mainstay of mindful thinking. When we stay focused on this, the bitterness falls away.
The late social psychologist Milton Rokeach developed the Rokeach Value Survey to help classify values in business organizations, and it is used by career counselors, clinical therapists, and many others. The Michigan State University professor included different terminal and instrumental values in his scale. Terminal values are the desired goals we want to achieve in life, including happiness, friendship, love, wisdom, and self-respect. Instrumental values help us accomplish these terminal values. Here are some examples:
The instrumental values of forgiveness and honesty can help us reach the terminal value of mature love.
The instrumental values of conscientiousness and perseverance can help us realize the terminal value of accomplishment.
The instrumental values of independence and curiosity can help us achieve the terminal value of happiness.
People in leadership positions use terminal and instrumental values to help guide their organizations to success. For example, when an employee is open and ambitious, it may lead to professional growth, and when an employee takes responsibility and accountability for their actions, it may lead to honesty and integrity for themselves and their institution.
We Do Not Have to Be Bitter and Disengaged
Physician Nina Cerfolio learned what she values and what matters in life. The professor of medicine at Mount Sinai in New York, and the author of Psychoanalytic and Spiritual Perspectives on Terrorism: Desire for Destruction, discovered what is vital through a difficult period of physical and mental suffering.
In 2005, she traveled to Chechnya, a war-torn region not unlike Ukraine, to help the injured and wounded. She spent ten days in a country that needed skilled physicians. During that time, a Russian federal security service agent escorted her and other professionals who wanted to help others. At one point, the Russian agent handed her a beer.
Cerfolio did not know why she later suffered flu-like symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, and dizziness. She suspected the beer contained anthrax. What had seemed like a friendly gesture had turned into a malicious act. She returned to New York in ill health that lasted for three years. This resulted in recurring pneumonia, infections, chronic inflammation, and other health issues. Cerfolio realized she could easily be bitter, disengaged, and pessimistic about life, but instead, she turned to openness, positivity, and compassion. She also slowed down and accepted her life just as it was. As a result, she became more connected with herself, and after she returned to work, she became more connected with her patients. Perhaps the poisoning helped her to find her authentic self.
We realize we can stop the cycle of negative thoughts by being fluid, open, and mindful—just like Cerfolio. Flexibility of thought means the acceptance of all negative states. Fluid, open thinking embraces all emotions—happiness and sadness, serenity and anxiety, anger and humor. Our mood states are fine as is. We do not have to be set in one way of thinking. Cerfolio felt that she had learned the core meaning of life.
The meaning and purpose of life sit squarely in the domain of philosophy, which can sometimes border on psychology. Confucius, Plato, and other philosophers had much to say about what is important in life. Their tenets are simple:
Be decent and live in peace and harmony.
Revere parents and be kind to elders.
Find humanity within and cherish the heart.
Live with honesty and trustworthiness.
Be respectful of everyone.
Do the right thing.
Work hard.
Contemplate life over seeking material wealth and power.
Help others, especially those in need.
With this, we can all be a little less bitter.
Adapted from the book How to Be Less Miserable. Blackstone Publishing, 2025.
References
Rokeach, Milton. Understanding Human Values. The Free Press. 1979.
Philosophy 312: Oriental Philosophy, Main Concepts of Confucianism. Lander University.
