WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump put Iran on notice, stating that this was his final warning before he would send Bruce Springsteen to perform there.
Trump told the IRGC that if the Strait of Hormuz was not fully reopened by Tuesday tonight, Springsteen would be immediately deployed to start playing concerts all across Iran.
"Springsteen is locked and loaded, Mr. Ayatollah. Don't make me do it," said Trump. "Frankly, I don't want to send Bruce over there. I love the Iranian people. No one should be hurt like that, but this is war. War is ugly, like Rosie O'Donnell, very ugly. This is your final warning."
Sources within Iran reported that Trump's threat to send in Springsteen had wrought fear and panic across the regime. "Not Bruce. Anything but Bruce," said IRGC commander Sharif Rahimi. "Just nuke us, for Pete's sake. The mullahs have no choice now but to reach an agreement. We cannot withstand the torment of Bruce Springsteen."
Pentagon officials confirmed that the "Springsteen Option" would involve a multi-phase acoustic assault. The initial "Shock and Awe" phase would reportedly consist of a four-hour acoustic version of Nebraska, followed immediately by an eighteen-minute harmonica solo that "physically rattles the enrichment centrifuges."
"We’ve looked at the data," said General Mark Milley, appearing visibly shaken. "By the time he gets to the third encore of 'Rosalita,' the structural integrity of the Iranian government will simply dissolve. No regime can withstand that much blue-collar yearning. It’s psychologically devastating."
In response to the threat, the UN Security Council held an emergency session to discuss the "Glory Days" protocols. Human rights groups argued that forcing the Ayatollah to listen to Bruce explain the backstory of his father’s 1950s copper-mining job for forty-five minutes between songs constitutes "unprecedented psychological torture."
Meanwhile, Springsteen himself issued a statement from his home in New Jersey, looking conflicted but patriotic. "Look, I’m a man of peace," said the Boss while wearing a denim jacket and leaning against a rusted pickup truck. "But if the President orders me to sit on a stool and play a 12-string guitar until the Iranian Revolutionary Guard begs for the sweet release of silence, I’ll do my duty. I’ve got enough raspy stories about boardwalks and screen doors to keep that country in lockdown for a decade."
At publishing time, the international community had warned President Trump that sending Bruce Springsteen to perform in Iran would potentially be the most heinous war crime in history.
