In the year 2007 the Internet was abuzz about an article in the New York Times Magazine. It was written by a Professor at Harvard, a graduate of a prominent modern Orthodox day school. He had attended a class reunion and in the picture that was printed of the graduates and their spouses, he and his Korean-American wife had been cropped out [another way of say "cut out"]. He was very offended. On one hand he felt very connected to his roots and tradition, but on the other, this was a choice that he had made and why could it not be respected?! To add insult to injury, when he contacted his school to share the news of the birth of his two children, they neglected to mention it in the mazel tov section. His point was [if I was understanding him correctly] that he was educated to take the best from both the Jewish and non-Jewish worlds and the wife he took was an outgrowth of that education. Why do religious people have to be so narrow minded??
Many, many passionate responses were written. Some [like one by Rabbi Lamm] explained that we are opposed to intermarriage and assimilation etc. and his position of expecting the support of the Jewish community in his life choice cannot be defended. Others attacked the school and the close mindedness of Orthodox people in general.
Like most stories, the storm quickly died down and people focused their attention on "the latest". But the story didn't end there. In 2011, this Professor and his wife DIVORCED. She has since remarried.
What really captures my curiosity is WHY the marriage didn't last? So short!! [I believe that they were married for just 12 years]. I WISH that he would write another article in the New York Times explaining the divorce.
What business is it of mine or anybody else??
Great question!!
The answer is as follows: We are against intermarriage primarily because the Torah forbade it. But there is another often forgotten reality - a marriage cannot be sustained if the couple doesn't share core values. He was a Jew, born and raised to appreciate our deeply spiritual and intellectual texts, to savor the joy of our holidays, to mourn the countless tragedies in our history, to feel connected to our collective destiny. That is very profound, on all levels - intellectual, emotional and spiritual. This woman shared NONE of these values. Her values were about HER family's heritage and customs. She was deeply connected to Korean people and most likely their history and traditions. Is there a bigger clash than this? It is hard enough being married to someone of another gender [Chazal say that men and women are two different nations!!]. Different religions make it much, much harder.
So why did they get married in the first place?? I don't know for sure. But I would guess the following. I read that she was very physically attractive. That already makes a man weak. Add to that that they were both brilliant academics. I assume that their personalities meshed well. Bingo. They get married. Did he feel guilty? I can't believe that he didn't. [Did she? I don't know]. But he was in love. When we fall in love we often become obsessed and all of our rational faculties are suspended.
Then after some time, the ecstasy wears off and real life begins. To build a lasting relationship when there are so many core values that are not shared is a colossal task. So I don't know why they got divorced. It could have been a million reasons. But I am guessing that part of it had to do with their radically different belief systems. If he would only go out and share this with the world then maybe he could save a few more people from intermarrying. He could share the heavy price he paid of estrangement from family and friends, all the people he hurt and the very conflicted children they are raising. It is hard to find a healthy synthesis between the Jewish values of their father and the [secular? Christian? Other?] value system of their mother.
I recently read an article written by another Korean American woman [what is it with Jewish guys and Korean women?? Maybe they watched too many episodes of M*A*S*H]. I actually felt badly for her. [Until I saw that she is a journalist for Al-Jazeera. YICH!!!]. She related that a cordial work relationship with a Jewish man eventually developed into romance and love. [Mussar: Be careful about your work relationships!!] She wanted to marry him and he wanted to marry her. Desperately. There was but one obstacle. What she termed in very pejorative sense - "Jewish tribalism". That noxious Jewish notion that we can only marry our own. This man came from a religious family and his father was even a rabbi and they would not accept her. What made it worse was the racism that they displayed when his mother told him that the fact that she looks so goyish make their union unacceptable. He wanted her to convert and she even toyed with the idea. Ultimately, he tearfully ended it.
She should say Ha-gomel [or the Korean equivalent]. She was saved from a problematic marriage. Her boyfriend was saved even more - from an eternity of I-don't-what-but-I-hope-never-to-find-out רח"ל. What she doesn't realize is that such unions are not sustainable. This man was very connected to his family [despite keeping nothing Jewish when not with them]. The emotions of his Jewish connections, yeshiva background etc. vs. his connection to her spell trouble. And how what about their children? They both claim to be atheist but there is still not one proof that G-d doesn't exist and TRILLIONS of indications that He does. So it is hard to give that over to kids....
Pesach is not only a commemoration of the miracles and salvation of Hashem. It is a celebration of the birth of Jewish nationhood. Being part of this nation comes along with responsibilities and not only rights and privileges. One of those responsibilities is to ensure Jewish continuity by marrying Jewish. It is not merely another halacha that we must keep on an individual level such as eating kosher or keeping Shabbos - which are of course incredibly important as well. To marry out is to break a 3,300 year chain of continuity. It is an act of disloyalty to the highest degree. Of course, not everybody feels connected to our nation or believes that Hashem chose us so it is hard to convince them about this.
Our job is to spread the messages we have to share with the world and to inculcate within ourselves and others the importance of strengthening our nationhood, not in order to be condescending or tribal but to spread the Light, Love and teachings of Hashem to the world as only we can and ultimately bring the final redemption and revelation of Hashem on earth.
