WILMINGTON, DE — In a shocking blow to the principles of colorblind meritocracy, a devastating new report in The Atlantic has revealed that former President Joe Biden engaged in what legal experts are calling "the most polite case of systemic racial profiling in modern history." In simple English - 'reverse racism'.
According to the report, Biden—a man who spent fifty years perfecting the art of being a "standard-issue white guy"—allegedly looked Gretchen Whitmer in the eye, felt a "deep personal rapport" with her, and then essentially told her, "I love your vibe, Big Gretchele, but your Pantone shade is currently trending downwards in the key demographics."
The report confirms that Whitmer, the Governor of Michigan, was Biden’s first choice for Vice President in 2020. They had chemistry. They had the same fondness for Amtrak and sensible light jackets. But then, in a move that can only be described as "reverse-DEI-malfeasance," Biden looked at the Black Lives Matter protests and decided that Whitmer’s lack of melanin was a pre-existing condition that disqualified her from the job.
"It’s a classic case of skin-color-based glass ceiling," said one source close to Biden. "Gretchen Whitmer did everything right. She governed a swing state, she couldn't stand Trump, she wore the 'Woman from Michigan' badge with pride and she didn't take her husband's name when she got married [both times...] - even with a hyphen. But at the end of the day, she was passed over for a promotion simply because she couldn't meet the pigment requirements of the 2020 summer fashion cycle. If this isn't blatant discrimination against the 'Beige-American' community, what is?"
The Atlantic report paints a tragic picture of the August 2020 meeting in Delaware. Biden reportedly flew Whitmer in, vetted her thoroughly, and stared longingly at her polling numbers in the Rust Belt. But as the "political moment" shifted, Biden reportedly realized that hiring another white person would be "on-brand but off-trend."
"The moment called for a Black running mate," a former staffer said, confirming that Biden had abandoned the "content of one’s character" in favor of the "shades on a Sherwin-Williams color wheel."
Critics are now calling for a full Department of Justice investigation into Biden’s 2020 HR practices. "We have a clear confession here," said a spokesperson for the 'Foundation for Fair Treatment of Midwestern Governors.' "Joe Biden looked at a qualified candidate and said, 'You’re great, but your ancestors spent too much time in Northern Europe for this specific fiscal quarter.' This is systemic 'Whitmer-ism' at its finest."
Conservative pundits have expressed outrage, noting that for years they were told Biden was a "moderate."
"We thought he was one of us," said one commentator. "But it turns out he’s just another radical extremist who discriminates against white women from Michigan whenever a protest happens. Is no one safe from the bigotry of political timing?"
For her part, Whitmer has remained a "good soldier," reportedly telling friends she was "prepared to say yes" if asked. Unfortunately, she was never asked, marking the first time in American history that a white person was told they didn't have the right "look" for a position of power in Washington, D.C.
As of press time, the Biden camp has not responded to the allegations of "melanin-based hiring bias," though sources close to the former President say that after Kamala replaced him as the candidate for the 2024 elections, he called Gretchen and apologized, realizing that she would never have done that to him.
