My Erstwhile Good Friend

[Erstwhile means "former". I never want to read an essay when I don't even understand the title so I define for those who aren't familiar with the word:)].

When I was in High School, I suddenly disappeared from school. Nobody knew where I went [with the possible exception of myself]. My chemistry teacher [I am told] would call out my name when taking attendance, "Ehrman" and there would be no answer. "Where is that Ehrman? It's been three months!"

Where I went is not the topic of this post but I can ASSURE you that it wasn't to drug rehab. Despite its popularity in the general population and specifically in Modern Orthodox schools, I never tried drugs. My yetzer hara at that time was to watch many hours of college basketball and not to fry my delicate brain with foreign substances. I also didn't go to a Buddhist shrine in India. Worshipping idols just never managed to catch my fancy. BARUCH HASHEM!!

Anyway, I was in a large grade of maybe 100 or so students and was well known. I was not the quiet, introverted sort by any stretch of the imagination. Yet, of all of my friends, only one troubled himself to pick up the phone to find out what happened to me and where I was. None of my teachers inquired either. The fact that this one friend cared enough to call touched me for many years to come. SOMEBODY CARED!

Fast forward about 25 years. I decided to fulfill a dream of opening up a kollel. Kollels cost a great deal to sustain and I needed help. This one and only friend has done very well in life. According to his website, he is investing close to a BILLION dollars. He gives a lot of tzdaka. He appreciates and supports Torah. I asked him to help with the knowledge that he could easily support the holy project for a whole year. We have been in touch over the years. Still good buddies.

Sum of donation: Zero. Not even a quarter that one would give to a Mexican on the A train who is strumming his banjo.   

When he made a Bar-Mitzvah for his son I made a great effort to attend and sent a nice gift. When I made a Bar-Mitzvah for my son he didn't attend. When I told him about the upcoming simcha he made a face that said to me "Why would I care....." [I read faces and body language for a living....:)]

So much for that close friendship:). [I must add that he is a geshmake guy and thinking about him brings up positive feelings. Just because he didn't help my cause doesn't make him a bad person. But something tells me that our friendship won't be so strong in the coming years].

This experience [and many similar ones] drove home an important lesson for life: People usually don't care about you nearly as much as you care about yourself.

The explanation is as follows: Every person is at the center of his universe from his day of birth. We love and care for ourselves without end. For example, my neighbor is, nebach, heavily in debt. I Baruch Hashem am not. I shamefully admit that I lose no sleep over his problems. I feel badly for him but am still sleeping. In contrast, the VERY THOUGHT of the eventuality of myself being in debt is enough to rob me of sleep and much good cheer.

When I am having trouble with a child of mine, I have trouble sleeping and my waking hours aren't so pleasant either. The fact that so many other people I know are having trouble with their children may bother me a little but not enough to put a damper on my day. The reason for this is because I am at the center of existence and my children, as extensions of me, are as well.

The Rambam rules [Hil. Talmud Torah 5/12] that a teacher must love his students as much as he loves his own biological children. I can't say I have ever had such a teacher nor have I ever seen a teacher of any of my children whom I felt loved my child even a small fraction of the amount that I love him. People are just not connected to others as much as they are to themselves and to their own flesh and blood.

When I attend a wedding of a third cousin through marriage I am going to be a lot less happy than when I attend the wedding of my best friend. The reason is that I feel more connected to my friend and since I view the world through the prism of my existence, I naturally feel more joy when the simcha relates more to me.

If I would have had enough money to single handedly fund my project, I would have happily done so. In my universe, that would have been as basic as paying for my groceries. In my world, this project was of critical importance. In my friend's world - I was just another annoying schnorrer.

That is the dynamic whenever you have one person asking and another giving. For the asker - his success in life [and possibly food on the table] is on the balance scales. For the giver - it is another unjustified request for his hard earned funds. He might give but would be much happier if he hadn't been asked. The proof is that if he hears about it and is NOT directly asked he will usually not give. That is why every Rosh Yeshiva must close his gemara and go from door to door and from office to office. Every frum Jew knows that the Mir Yeshiva has a huge yearly budget but Rav Finkel Shlita must still make frequent trips to chutz la-aretz to ask them face to face. It is relatively easy to turn away a small man like me, much more difficult to do so to the Rosh Yeshiva of the Mir.

There is one relationship where it is imperative to place another person as much at the center as you are and that is marriage. Many people live their whole adult lives with their spouse and never quite manage to do so. This of course is the impetus for many conflicts. If my wife is at much at the center of my universe as I am then I will ALWAYS try to do what is best for her. If she is not then she will always take a backseat to me and feelings of tension will prevail. One has to work hard to make one's spouse feel that she is no less important than himself. [Ideally, one should have this attitude with everyone but this is such a high level that I won't even bother addressing it.]

Chazal said it in one sentence. אוהבה כגופו ומכבדה יותר מגופו - Love her as much as you love yourself and honor her even MORE than you would honor yourself.

When a spouse feels unloved, it is the beginning of the end. If you are not going to love her with the same intensity you love yourself - then who will??

Some food for thought....:)

Love and blessings!