Some time back I decided to stop wearing ties. [If you'd like, you can come to my house and I'll give you my ties. I have LOTS!!] That's it. I wear a "tie" around my waist for davening that Jews call a "gartel" but that's it. In Israel, this flies. In America however, most people are wearing ties at least on Shabbos. So being in America now, I decided that the right thing to do is to wear a tie for Shabbos. As I was packing my bag for Shabbos, I was debating between two different ties.
I don't know what I decided and what happened next but neither tie ended up in my bag. I was a little embarrassed being the only guy around who was tieless [although I did notice that some ladies weren't wearing ties...] - especially given that I spoke publicly so I couldn't convince myself that nobody was looking at me... But I didn't think about it much and enjoyed Shabbos regardless. People don't really care what I wear. They are thinking about FARRRR more important things. [How many different types of kugel at the Kiddush, what did his wife prepare for dessert, if he got a good Shabbos shluff etc. etc.].
Why am I telling you this [besides to convince you to take my ties off my hands]? There is a deep lesson here: I had two Retzonos [desires]: On one hand I wanted to wear a tie in order to conform to societal standards. On the other hand, I personally didn't want to wear a tie as I never do.
My EXTERNAL Ratzon - חיצוניות הרצון, was to wear a tie. My DEEPER INTERNAL Ratzon - פנימיות הרצון - was to not wear a tie. On a conscious level I decided to wear a tie. But tachlis, which Ratzon won? The latter.
Why? Because that is what I really wanted.
Lesson: Make sure that your desire to do the right thing, to learn, give tzdaka, perform chesed etc. is in your פנימיות הרצון. Otherwise, it will often not get done or get done in a superficial, careless [because deep down - you don't care] way.
