Just Friends

Dear Rav Ehrman,

You don't know me but I read and enjoy your blog. I have a question. I have been married for about 8 months. My husband is all in all a good, decent guy [although marriage is a lot more challenging than I thought]. He learns daf yomi, davens 3 times a day with a minyan and works hard to support us. But something is bothering me a lot.

We invite other couples over for shabbos meals and get invited as well [we live in an active community of young couples] and my husband is friendly to other wives in ways that make me uncomfortable. He says that I am being jealous and overbearing but to me it borders on the flirtatious. He sometimes meets girls he once dated and it seems that he is not completely finished with them and really enjoys their company. Maybe he is right and I am overreacting. He told me that women by nature are jealous so it is my problem and not his. I would appreciate your input.


Dear -----

I, too, read and enjoy the blog and appreciate the fact that I am not the only one:). Thanks for visiting the "mevakesh".

I have very strong feelings about your question.

STOP! There is nothing so insidious to the marital bond than friendships with members of the opposite gender. As long as a couple has guests and nothing is happening between members of the opposite gender then one could argue that one may continue. The moment it goes beyond polite you are in a danger zone. A guy gets attracted to a female very quickly and easily. And remember, in public most people put their best foot forward and seem a lot more attractive than they really are, whereas when one is married he sees all of his spouses faults. So who looks better at the shabbos table? A young, pretty, pleasant mannered woman or his annoying nagging wife [by the way - her [the young pretty one] husband thinks that she is annoying and nagging as well but that is another story].

There is no room for ANY type of friendship between the genders outside of marriage. Polite? Yes. Civil? Always. Friends? Never. Both on halachic and common sense grounds such relationships are unacceptable. The reality is that numerous marriages in the frum community have been destroyed because of inter-couple interaction, not to mention the problems in the business world where people work together day after day in a close intense environment.

Keep in mind the brilliant saying of Chazal "Ain apotropos li'arayos" which basically means that you could lock a guy up in jail and he would still find a way to get what he wants. If our desire to learn were as strong as our yetzer for women we would all know Shas by heart. Talking about Shas - don't be confused by his external frumkeit. The yetzer hara isn't impressed - you shouldn't be either.

So I recommend that for the next few months you eat either alone with him to bolster your relationship or [second best] with family, but NOT with other couples. I hope he is receptive and would be willing to speak with him if you think it would help.

BLESSINGS:)



PS - Sweetest friends - I generally don't ask for feedback [and likewise receive almost none] but this time I would particularly appreciate your input. I hope that by reading this blog you learn from me but I would also like to learn from you. If you have had experiences or hold an opinion - please share ally.ehrman@gmail.com