Heart Rending

This is my translation of a letter made public by R' Yosef Weitzman, a counselor for parents and children. It was written by a 15 year old girl before she committed suicide [I saw it in a journal called "Bisod Siach"].

To Mommy, there are so many things I want to tell you... How much I feel alone now and that nobody cares. What do you know about me?! Nothing!

You think everything is ok but the truth is that my neshama is empty.

I come home to an empty house. The house seems so big and cold... Even the heater which is supposed to warm the house in the winter doesn't take away this feeling of coldness.

Once, when I was little, you told me that when all is said and done, one can only tell everything to family, but now I know what you told me is big baloney. When you come home from work, you say hi, I watch television, instead of telling me, "Sweety, I want to speak to you" you go right to sleep. Only Hashem knows how many times I tried to wake you. Only Hashem. I shake you, beg you, daven that you wake up, the tears begin to fall but still you don't wake up.

.... Your daughter is so alone. She needs you at these moments. My big brother already has a family and I don't want to trouble him with my problems. And Daddy? He doesn't care about anything. Not about me and not about anyone. Both of you never even wonder where I was when I come home. Today we fought. A big fight. Because the whole day I didn't see you and I felt so alone and after you woke for a few minutes you went back to sleep. I begged you to talk to me and you said ok but you weren't really listening. And when you listened you connected what I said to all these topics which really weren't connected. You told me to shower and then we will talk but I didn't want to. I knew that if I showered you would fall asleep and then I couldn't talk to you and my distress would resurface.

Daddy told me that I am a masochist, that he can't stand me for a second, and I was so hurt. So hurt! I am not a masochist. Right? Tell me that I am not, mommy.. Just tell me no, that I am your sweet little daughter.. When I call you at work you don't have time for me. I ask you if you are busy and you tell me "a little". I try to speak but you give me dry answers "Yes" and "No".

Mommy, pay attention to me, I am lonely and need you... Mommy, forever, I love you...."