Many of us consider the month of Elul as a time in which we work to strengthen our connection with Hashem. It is curious, then, that we find that in this week's parsha, Ki Teitzei (the parsha that contains more individual mitzvot than any other parsha) that there is almost no mitzvah directly related to the relationship between man and Hashem. Instead, we find over 70 mitzvot that we would categorize as mitzvot ben adam lechavaro - between man and man.
We learn from this that the month of Elul is not only about strengthening our bond and connection to Hashem, but also with other members of Klal Yisrael. Although some of the mitzvot we read about do not seem to pertain to all of us, by examining several of the mitzvot that we find in the parsha, we can see an underlying theme and a lesson we can learn for our own lives.
Rabbi Yitzchak Etshalom suggests that the mitzvot found in Parshat Ki Teitzei are not only mitzvot between man and man, but more specifically they are mitzvot pertaining to the Jewish family and the values upon which the Jewish home should be built.
The first halacha we find is regarding a man who wants to marry a beautiful woman who he has taken captive from war. This is followed by the halacha pertaining to a man who has two wives – one more beloved than the other. And finally, we learn the laws of the rebellious, wayward child.
Rashi explains that these three laws are found next to one another because they are all related. He explains that if a man marries a woman for her superficial beauty, his initial attraction to her will ultimately fade as her beauty does. In time, a man who marries based on beauty, or lust, will be unhappily married to a woman whom he married for all the wrong reasons. A marriage between a man and wife that are not unified in their values or their love for one another are then likely to have a son that will rebel against them and their ideals.
In trying to elucidate Rashi’s comments, Rav Binny Friedman explains why a man that marries a woman based on superficial beauty alone is doomed to fail. He explains that such a relationship is driven by lust - it is based only on taking, on making oneself feel good and satisfied. In contrast, a relationship built on love and mutual respect is formed and maintained by giving to one another. In such a relationship, a person actually gains more and takes greater pleasure in giving than in taking. A marriage that lasts, according to Rashi as learned in this parsha, is one based on love and not lust, on giving and not taking.
The importance of founding a Jewish family and home based on compassion and kindness is highlighted further at the end of the parsha. The Torah informs us of certain nations with which the Jewish people are forbidden to marry, including Ammon, Moav, Egypt and Amalek. Interestingly, the only nations that are forbidden to the Jewish people for eternity are the people of Ammon and Moav – because they did not go out to greet the Jewish people with bread and water.
Many commentators ask what makes the omission of a kind deed so loathsome in the eyes of the Torah – that the people of Ammon and Moav are presented in even harsher terms than the Egyptians that enslaved us for hundreds of years and Amalek whom we know we are meant to eradicate from the world!
Chazal explain that an inherent quality of the Jewish people is to be gomlei chessed – performers of kind deeds. This characteristic is the foundation of all Jewish interactions and relationships. For this reason, the Torah does not want us to interbreed, so to speak, and start Jewish families with those who do not share the intrinsically Jewish qualities of giving, kindness, and sensitivity.
We find the demonstration of this sensitivity in several of the mitzvot that we read about in our parsha. The most obvious perhaps is the mitzvah of shiluach hakan – in which an individual is obligated to send away the mother bird before taking her young offspring, in order to spare her the pain of seeing her offspring being taken from her.
The lessons we learn from this beautiful mitzvah are manifold. For one, in recognizing that the mother-bird has this deep bond for her children, we are reminded of the love that a parent has for a child. The parent-child relationship is one that is founded on unconditional love, in which the parents’ love for the child grows as the parent gives more and more. In this way, the Torah reminds us once more that true love is not about taking, but about giving – about fulfilling a loved ones needs and desires.
The last set of laws that we will examine together reveal the great lengths a Jew must go to help a fellow Jew in need – these are laws regarding returning a lost item and assisting an ox that is falling on its path. At first glance, these laws do not seem to fit with the theme of building a Jewish family environment. A closer look at the verses reveals that they are, in fact, in line with this theme. In fact, the inclusion of these laws in the parsha sheds light on an even deeper lesson to be learned. The Torah tells us:
Lo tireh et shur achicha oh et shev nidachim vehitalamta me’hem hashev tashivam le’achicha
You shall not see your brother’s ox or sheep straying, and ignore them. Rather you shall return them to your brother (Devarim 22:1)
In the above verses, the Torah specifically refers to other members of the Jewish people as our brothers. The Torah is, in fact, continuing in its theme of mitzvot relating to the responsibilities one has towards their family. Here, however, we see that the Torah refers not to the insular and immediate family, but to the entire Jewish community.
It is noteworthy that the Torah does not simply tell us to return the item, but the Torah specifically tells us not to ignore the animal, or the item, that is misplaced. The Torah recognizes that human nature causes us to instinctively want to serve ourselves and to put our own needs before others – we do not always want to go out of our way to return the lost item to its owner when it will cause us a delay, or it will be burdensome for us in any way. The Torah therefore reminds us that we can and should overcome these instincts and instead go out of our way, out of our comfort zones and even be willing to make personal sacrifices, to help a fellow Jew.
At times a person feels it is easiest to give of ourselves for our family members because we feel so connected to them - we are willing to go great distances to make them happy. Other times, however, perhaps when we are in more troubled times ourselves, it is most difficult to treat the people closest to us with the respect, sensitivity, and appreciation they deserve.
In this month of Elul, when we are working on self-improvement in various ways, the Torah comes to remind us the importance of first and foremost treating our own family members with the utmost care, love, and devotion. It is one area that certainly all of us can work on to some degree.
Beyond this, the Torah teaches us one of the most fundamental lessons about what it means to be a Jew: To be a Jew is to be part of the larger family - and we are responsible for all members of this larger, extended family. We are required to go above and beyond for every Jew as if he is our own brother, sister, parent or spouse.
We are now in the weeks leading up to Rosh Hashanah, the day we commemorate the day man was first created in the image of God. In preparing for this day, we must ask ourselves what does it mean to be in the image of Hashem? The answer I think is found in this week’s parsha – to be godly is to give, to care, and to protect one another. After all, Hashem does all of those things for us every moment that we live and breath.
On the day man was created, Hashem blew life into man – Hashem put a piece of Himself into mankind. We are all, therefore, inherently connected to Hashem – and therefore we are also intrinsically connected to one another. During this time of teshuva, we are all working towards returning to Hashem, to strengthening our bond with our Creator. Perhaps one way we can and should go about doing this is by strengthening our bond with one another.
May we all be able to take this message with us for the remainder of this year and for the whole of the next year - always remembering what makes us a unique people - and let us all strive to live up to our godly potential by being able to give of ourselves to whatever capacity we can! May we realize that the opportunity to give to God is presented to us each time we are presented with an opportunity to help a fellow Jew. May we all seize every opportunity to give - because the ability to give is not only the ability to be godly, but it is also the ability to love!
SHABBAT SHALOM, Taly
