Being Real

I  really value sincerity.

Really.

The other day I received a phone call. It was an acquaintance-friend of about 25 years on the line. I knew what he wanted. He wanted to give me mussar for something I am doing. Now, since I firmly believe that what I am doing is 100 percent correct and I have consulted with my Rebbe on the matter and he assured me that HIS Rebbe followed the same approach and that I should go with it - convincing me otherwise is a hard sell. His claim was going to be that I should follow HIS Rebbe.

Hmmmmm.

I don't subscribe to the "Rebbe-Of-The-Week" attitude. I have one and am not really on the market for another - certainly not the one he was offering and I was certainly not going to change my mind so quickly regarding an issue about which I am so passionate.

He started the conversation by asking how I was doing. That is formal-cordial-polite social behavior that while fake and artificial - I can stomach it [with difficulty]. When someone asks how you are, they generally don't want to know the true story. It is just a way of making small talk and showing that you care. "How are you" is a nicer way to start a conversation than "I don't care how you are. Can you give me a ride to the Giants game?"

Then he started talking to me about my move to Givat Ze'ev and my plans for a new yeshiva and started giving me brachos for success etc. etc. All the while I am waiting for him to get to the point. I felt that all of this "concern" [when I didn't feel it in the past] was designed to camouflage his real reason for calling. He NEVER calls me just like that to see how I am. He doesn't come to my simchas when invited. He doesn't invite me to his [I have been working for years on not being offended but I keep feeling that we are close enough that he should want me there. Gotta keep working on it:-)]. When I try to talk to him he is always running in the other direction and just has no time. Suddenly, he has ALLLL the time in the world.

Hmmmm.

The conventional niceties that precede the main event of a typical conversation are going on much longer than usual and my patience is beginning to wear thin. I then started suspecting that I was wrong after all - he really IS just calling to see how I am doing and to wish me hatzlacha.

How sweet:-).

Then he said  - "I really called to see how you are. Now I am going to discuss something completely different with you..... No connection between the two."

Sweetest friends - I work SOOO hard on having an ayin tova and seeing the good in people but this was a lot. I felt that he faked caring just so that it would be easier to convey his next message. I also felt that he was totally out of place in getting involved in a situation that he doesn't know much about and in trying to put me down together with the gedolim whom I follow. Of course I love mussar, one of the 48 ways to acquire Torah is אוהב את התוכחות - Loving rebuke. But I have to love the person giving me the rebuke and not feel that he will only give me the time of day when he has an ulterior motive. It didn't help that I had a very very stressful last few days so this wasn't really the right time.

I will not tell you what happened next but suffice it to say that I am not proud of it. He will never forget this conversation and neither will I.....

The moral is - If you genuinely care about someone then you have the right to give mussar. Maybe. But make sure that you are correct. Maybe you can only see the situation through the prism of your own existence and the other person might be perfectly correct because your way is not the only way. Chazal say at the end of brachos [today's daf yomi!] that Torah scholars increase shalom in the world. Rav Kook explains that the differing viewpoints offered by scholars create a greater shleimus in the world. It allows people to step out of the narrow confines of their existence and to appreciate the broad variety of  approaches that Hashem created in his world.  Make sure you UNDERSTAND the other person and that you step into his reality.

Also, make sure you love him. When Yaakov Avinu was going to give the shepherds mussar for bringing in their flock too soon and not working a full day he prefaced his remarks by saying אחי - my brothers. They were NOT his brothers - he never met them before! The answer is that before giving them mussar he had to sincerely show that he felt a kinship towards them [Rav Yaakov Kaminetzky and the Ponovitcher Rov].

If the above mentioned prerequisites are not met then your words will fall on deaf ears and likely create animosity.

In my story it certainly did. I, OF COURSE have to do tshuva. But hopefully we can all learn a lesson and that will be part of my kappara.

Love always [sincerely:-)]

Me