Things People Say

1] "I couldn't make it."

Oh yes you could. You CHOSE not to make it for any of a number of reasons. Funny how nobody ever misses their own wedding or their child's wedding. We all have priorities and choose what is more or less important.

2] "I have no time."

You have PLENTY of time. 24 hours a day, just like everybody else. We all choose how to spend our time and act according to our choice. Nobody is forcing us to do anything [unless you are reading this from jail or are a slave in an Arab or African country].

3] "I am too busy, so I can't."

No you are not. You choose with what to be busy. [This is a variation of number 2]. Some people are too busy working so they have no time to learn. Some people are too busy learning so they have no time to work. Some people are too busy outside of the house so they have little time for their families. Other people are the exact opposite. Some people never return phone calls while others always return phone calls. The former values other people's needs less while the latter values other people's feeling more [this often but not always the case]. Most of us choose to return phone calls to certain people while for others we are too busy. No?

We all choose what and whom is important or less important for us.

4] "I forgot."

You don't forget to get dressed in the morning. You don't forget to turn the key in the ignition before you drive. We forget what we want to forgot. NOBODY [except Alzheimer patients or old people] forgets what is really important to them. When a student would say "Rabbi, I forgot about the shiur/chavrusa etc.", I had a different perspective. You WANTED on some level to forget. I keep forgetting to make a dentist appointment which costs me money I don't really have and pain I don't want to experience but I never forget to eat breakfast or put on my glasses. I enjoy eating and seeing so I don't forget:-).

5] "We'll be in touch."

One hears that a lot but it really is often a polite way of saying "goodbye". Most people are "too busy" to keep in touch unless they have a special reason to do so or are bored. Fact.

6] "Nice to meet you."

I have heard that many times but I often get the sense that people don't really mean it and it's just a polite way of saying hello upon being introduced to a new person. You can often see it in their tone of voice, body language or facial expression [most communication is non-verbal].

7] "Hi, how are you?"

People say this as they walk by and don't wait for an answer. If they get an honest answer they will have regretted asking in the first place. So the persons job is to smile and say "great, how are you?" If they are more frum "Baruch Hashem, how are you?" An answer exceeding the two word limit is not acceptable ["Baruch Hashem", "Great" etc.]

8] "I have to run."

No you "choose" to run but it wouldn't be polite to say "I am bored with this conversation and have far more important things to do." 

9] [To a fundraiser] "I can't right now."

Generally, the person can. Really. If something is important enough then we find the money. He can skip the Ranger game and give the hundred and fifty dollar ticket value to this asker. He can write a post dated check based on next month's pay check. He can give at least something small. And sometimes he has hundreds of thousands or more in the bank and just doesn't want to part with even a fraction of it unless he has to....

10] "I hate the scene."

So why are you always part of it?

11] "It's fine"

Nothing could be less fine.

12] "I'm OK".

You are really not.

13] "I just saw this email".

Strange. When the email is important to you - you literally answer within five seconds because you have a blackberry or iphone like eveyone else. But when it is not - two weeks later you say "I just saw this". Odd:-).

14] Add your own examples.

SWEETEST FRIENDS!!! The goal of this post is NOT to find fault with other people. Many will say that my words are unduly harsh. I agree. They are:-). I used this format and language to bring home a point, which is this: Being polite is important but it can hurt others when people say things that they don't really mean. It would be an almost edenic world where you could feel that every individual you meet has your best interests in mind no less than his or her own [as per the famous biblical precept of "Love thy neighbor"]. Often the feeling one gets is that it is a dog-eat-dog world where people are watching out for themselves and those they care about and everybody else is just here if some personal benefit can be extracted from them.

There are Baruch Hashem many, many wonderful emes-dike baalei chesed out there. Our job is to try to "emes-ize" and "chesed-ize" ouselves to the point that we habitually ask people how they are and REALLY CARE to listen what the answer is without playing with our phones in the middle, because who knows - maybe someone more important will call or email.

I hope the message is clear and that the device and langauge I used were appropriate and beneficial.

The bottom line is that Torah is mamesh the SWEETEST.